My Walk of Faith

The Thing About Bitterness

2012-02-07T22:13:00.000-08:00

I remember being in 6th grade when we were learning about the 5 senses and we sat outside focusing on the sense of taste. Our teacher pulled out pieces of chocolate and gave us each one. Perhaps you don't know this, but you taste different things with different parts of your tongue. Our teacher told us to hold the chocolate and wait, not to take a bite, but only to lick it with the tip of our tongue. The tip of the tongue tastes "salty and sweet" but when I licked the chocolate I tasted nothing.

There is always at least one person in a group who can't follow directions, and even in the group there was a child who wasn't satisfied with their tasteless lick of the enticing chocolate we'd been given, and sure enough, one of the kids popped the whole piece into his mouth and bit down. When the chocolate touched the back of his tongue, the reaction was swift, and violent. He spat the chocolate out and began to cough and gag. We'd been fooled, because this wasn't Hershey's we'd been given but rather bakers' chocolate, which is unsweetened and bitter. Have you ever bitten into something bitter? It gags you. Your whole body recoils, fighting to expel what has offended it.

This morning I woke up depressed. My heart literally felt heavy in my chest. By no other explanation than revelation of the Holy Spirit, I can tell you, I knew exactly what was wrong with me. I could not deny it. As I was driving my kids to school and they were chattering in the backseat, I was having a private conversation with the Lord in my mind. "God," I said, "I'm bitter." There was no mistaking the "taste" in my soul.

As the kids kept talking, I was quietly praying and lamenting to the Lord. I recognized immediately that there is a root running deep inside that is strangling the life out of me. As much as I want to be free of the bitterness, I can't seem to free myself of it. A psalm of lament began to form in my heart to the Lord. (You can read it on my creative writing blog by clicking here.)

When I got to school I found a message in my phone from a newer friend. She sent me a link that spoke right to the prayer I was struggling through with the God. She had no way of knowing my thoughts, my battle, or of the depression I was fighting this morning, but God chose her as a vessel to pour His love and encouragement into my life. God had impressed it upon her to share something with me, and there was no coincidence to it, it was without question a God-incidence. As much as I would like to just move past this battle with bitterness, the word of encouragement was quite simply, that now is the hard part. Recognizing the need for the break in relationship was difficult, breaking relationship was really hard, but it's now, the healing and restoration of "after" that is hardest of all.

Until this past October, we had a very large tree in our front yard. I remember when my father planted it when I was just a little girl. It was so thin and weak it had to be tied to a post to withstand the Santa Ana winds. But by the time Neal and I bought the house from my parents, it was very large. Over the next 20 years, it became Neal's nemesis. It got too big for the space that contained it, and it began to wreak havoc on our home. It lifted our driveway, and killed all the grass in the small yard around it (you can click here to see pictures in an old unrelated post.) Neal has been pushing for years for the removal of the tree and this past fall, we finally did it. Neal was overjoyed.

The process was unnerving, huge dangerous chunks of lumber coming crashing down as the tree was dismantled piece by piece. Finally, it was leveled down just above the ground when the "tree guy" told us to go into the house while he ground away the stump. From inside we listened and he battled to level it to the ground. Big chunks of wood battering the front of our house. When he knocked on the door he assured us he's gotten the job done. We looked at the yard covered in wood shavings, and laughed about how it looked like we should have our own pumpkin patch, and thanked the man as we sent him with our money on his way.

It was over the next few days and weeks as the shavings were slowly cleaned away that the reality was revealed. As much as the man had promised us that it was as if the tree had never been there, it wasn't the case at all. The tree was gone, but the root system was very much intact. From out in the street you see a huge difference in our yard- the house no longer obscured by the giant tree, but when you step around the hedge, it's obvious, the yard itself is still far from restored. I snapped this picture as I left to take the kids to school, the living metaphor of this tree not at all lost on me.

My husband and younger son have now spent months trying to deal with this eyesore. Day after day the two of them are outside hacking away at this root system with an ax. On a Sunday morning in December we discovered a leak and had to spend several thousand dollars on rerouting our pipe system, because even after the tree was gone, the roots had busted through our pipes. When I got our water bill a few days ago, I discovered that it was nearly three times what it had been in the previous billing cycle. I have no idea how long the slow leak had been going on, but clearly removing the tree alone was not the solution to our problem.

Likewise break in relationship has not been sufficient in solving the problem of hurt and offense in my soul. Even upon removing the "eyesore," the root system has to be dealt with. And the process is not going to be near as "easy" as dismantling the tree. the root system of offense and bitterness in my soul runs and tangles in places I cannot see, nor can I fully comprehend. And like my husband who grows weary hacking away at the ground tree trunk with an ax, I too am weary at the bitterness that lingers just above the surface of my life.

It's important that it is said, I do not wish to hold on to the bitterness I am battling. Constantly I am striving against my flesh that, like the ground around our tree, tries to hold and hide the roots so they will remain untouched, still powerful, still wreaking havoc. I feel stuck, and I am begging the Lord to hack away and pull up the roots that are leaking the life out of me. But it is not a simple process.

Thankfully, unlike my poor husband and son, God can see the pattern of my root of bitterness and I am actually quite confident that He knows exactly what He's doing in the removal process. Ad unlike Neal's surprise when he discovered the leak, God is fully aware of the "damage" we are contending with. I am also confident of this, God does not just yank the root out because that too could be damaging. The removal needs to be careful and precise, and so in His mercy, the process is slow, albeit it painful and difficult. And unlike the tree roots which may never be fully dealt with, I believe with God's help, my hurt and bitterness can.

If nothing else, I am learning the importance of being careful about what I plant in my heart in the future. If my parents had known what destruction the tree would eventually cause, I am certain they never would have planted it. Likewise, I would have dealt with hurts and offenses much differently as they were happening if I had realized what a bitter root was being sown. There were times I tried to handle things in a biblical manner, but to no avail. But there was more that could have been done in me and I never would the enemy have been given such a foothold in my life. I know this, I will be far more careful as I move forward into my future.

"If you stay free from offense you will stay in God's will. If you become offended you will be taken captive by the enemy to fulfill his own purpose and will. Take your pick. It is much more beneficial to stay free from offense. We must remember that nothing can come against us without the Lord's knowledge of it before it happens. If the devil could destroy us at will, he would have wiped us out a long time ago because he hates man with a passion."
- John Bevere
The Bait of Satan: Living Free from the Deadly Trap of Offense

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled...
Hebrews 12:14-15

100 Verses - Week 22

2012-02-05T18:05:00.001-08:00

From my phone, been a traveling weekend, but here are the verses:

Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will support you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. Psalm 55:22

Casting all your care upon Him, because He cares about you.
1 Peter 5:7

The Battle Rages On

2012-02-03T10:20:00.000-08:00

I find great comfort in the writings of Paul the apostle. Although I associate better with Peter, typically (he's so limber like me- always putting his foot in his mouth) the writer in Paul connects to my spirit. Romans chapter 7, in particular, gives me hope and encouragement.

I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
Romans 7:21-24

And the fact that Paul prayed three times for God to remove some undefined "thorn is his flesh to which God's reply was: "NO." He assured Paul His grace was sufficient.

I reposted on my Facebook today a blog from November of 2009. It was about anxiety, and the constant battle I have had with is since 2004. Here we are in 2012 and it is still a nemesis. It's, perhaps not as powerful as it used to be. I am certainly able to call it out and recognize it for what it is, which in reality is a HUGE first step in the battle. (Think of little David calling out big old Goliath as the "uncircumcised Philistine," who had no shot against the him with the Living God on his side.)

But there is something disheartening in the fact that the battle keeps coming back around, a little different, and yet somewhat the same. And for me, I see this with many of my "constant battles." They seem chronic. So when I read Paul's words, the man God chose to use more than possibly any other person ever on the planet, it gives me hope. Because what I understand from my reading here, is that it's not so much the battle that I define that's chronic, but it is the battle that is "the flesh," that is lifelong.

Today in the news there is talk about the fact that Josh Hamilton, MLB outfielder for the Texas Rangers has been seen drinking in bars. I've read Josh's book, and seen his I Am Second video, and the man has had a radical experience with Christ, and been blessed tremendously, and yet, his battle rages on too. You can click on the link of his video and hear him say for himself, HE KNOWS BETTER, and he knows that just one drink is a slippery slope for him toward decisions that could end his career. The first line in the video says in effect, "drugs and alcohol, I never used one without the other," so for him, just a beer in a bar is NOT, "no big deal."

When I told my kids this morning about Josh so we could pray for him, my Jake's response was "He should go watch his 'I Am Second video'," and Jake was right, he needs to remember where he has come from, and be reminded this is a battle he cannot fight on his own. I imagine he too would appreciate Paul's words above. I just hope his desire match's Paul's as well, and that whatever caused him to drink on Monday, he wants Christ more.

Josh makes reference to a particular scripture in his video that is appropriate for any of us to remember as we struggle and fight our own personal battles "of the flesh." Whether it is an issue of alcohol and drug abuse like Josh Hamilton, or something considered more benign like food, or something emotional like anxiety or anger, it's important to recall that we have an enemy of our souls who is studying our weaknesses with one purpose, to destroy us. If he cannot destroy our lives or our salvation, he will find some satisfaction is destroying our witness to the world around us.

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
James 4:7

Sometimes in our minds,I think, we think of "resistance" as some sort of defense mechanism. I can picture someone backed in a corner slapping or striking at someone coming at them. But I don't think this is the kind of resistance referenced here. I think it's far more proactive. It's a pushing back, started perhaps even before the attack begins. And it's done in submission to God, which to me speaks of abiding, praying, meditating on God's word. I know Josh Hamilton has had many "safety nets" in place since his sobriety (though this is his 2nd public slip) and I know recently his accountability partner moved away and the position not yet refilled. It speaks volumes about how we cannot get comfortable in the "status quo" of things when they seem to be going well. The bible describes Satan as a lion prowling about- waiting to pounce. And I suspect it's that moment that we relax in confidence, like Josh thinking, "One drink won't hurt," that the enemy comes out claws drawn.

I know for me the anxiety always comes first thing in the morning because I am in that sleepy unfocused state. To battle it back I have to engage immediately with the Word and use it to resist the sense of fear that tries to overwhelm me.

The battle rages on. Diligence is required in this Walk of Faith, because if we are not focused, we risk falter. And in that moment that we do, the enemy is ready to capitalize. Not for a moment should we ever consider ourselves to have "arrived" to a place where we can get by in the battles of life. If we don't keep the constant mindset that we are in battle, we will never find the victory God has called us to. And most important of all is to remember that that victory is never of our own doing, but is always in our relationship with Christ.

For whatever is born of God overcomes the world.
And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.
Who is he who overcomes the world,
but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?
1 John 5:4-5

Stand firm, be diligent, resist your enemy- fight the good fight submitted to the Lord, and say a prayer for Josh Hamilton that the Spirit of God would rise up in him and help him do the same, in Jesus' name!

Skiing the Mount - Micah 6:8

2012-01-31T13:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish there was a "red phone" like I remember in old cartoons and movies, where if it rang, it meant it was "THE" call you had been waiting for, the answer you needed. But there is no red phone on the path of this walk of faith, because by definition faith has an element of the unknown. Believing in what we SEE isn't faith at all. It's the confidence in the unseen that is what our faith is made of.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1

My journals are full of questions, me asking the Lord for answers and direction. Last year I found myself asking the Lord over and over what He wanted from me, what He required of me, and over and over again, the same scripture would come into my mind. It's probably written in last year's journals at least two dozen times:

He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8

So simple and yet so challenging. They're all twisted together. And though simply stated, they are not the easiest commands to walk out.

Doing justly is perhaps, in a way, the step I struggle the least with. I see the world in a very black and white way, right is right and wrong is wrong. I think "shades of gray" are over stated. But there in my "doing justly" I have already begun to stumble in both "loving mercy" and "walking humbly." Because when you are "doing right," or perhaps I should say when I am "doing right," I look around and think to myself how that ought to be the case for everyone else as well. And I even begin to look highly on myself for my doing, and the walking with humility has gone completely by the way side. I've slipped down the slope already.

I was reading Romans 14 the other day, and I had an a-ha moment:

So then, we must pursue what promotes peace and what builds up one another. Do not tear down God’s work because of food. Everything is clean, but it is wrong for a man to cause stumbling by what he eats. It is a noble thing not to eat meat, or drink wine, or do anything that makes your brother stumble. Do you have a conviction? Keep it to yourself before God. The man who does not condemn himself by what he approves is blessed. But whoever doubts stands condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from a conviction,and everything that is not from a conviction is sin.
Romans 14:19-23

There's a truth here about doing justly. I can only define with certainty what "doing justly" means for myself, I cannot not be certain of what it means for another. But if God places a conviction in my heart, then I must be obedient to it, if I do not, then I am guilty of sin.

Now mind you, I am NOT expanding shades of gray. Much of life is STILL very black and white. Sin IS sin, even if not all conviction is conviction. For example, my husband and I don't drink alcohol, at all, ever. It's our conviction that drinking alcohol is wrong. For us it is. But we know many other Christians who do not hold our conviction. They like a bottle of wine with dinner, or a beer after work, not drinking is not their conviction. It doesn't make us better Christians (which is actually impossible to be.) Drinking may be defined by conviction, but getting drunk on the other hand is not. The Bible states VERY clearly, DO NOT GET DRUNK. So getting drunk is a sin for all.

I also find myself often struggling with mercy. I like to see people get what they deserve. Yes, I said it. I am a "justice minded" person, and when I see someone continuing in sin. If I found out (hypothetically) that someone who was getting drunk regularly was going to jail for drunk and disorderly or for a DUI, mercy would not be my first inclination, my thought would be "Well, GOOD. Now perhaps they will wake up/ wise up/ sober up and make better choices." That isn't merciful. And I would struggle with the situation if someone got off with a slap on the hand or a warning, I would not find myself loving mercy. But God says I should. And again, when I don't, I am NOT walking humbly with my God.

I am a work in process (as we all are,) and I am trying so hard to find the manner in which to walk this Truth out. Recently the Lord reminded me that if there is mercy for me, there must be mercy for all. When I demand justice, I make myself subject to it as well. If I want others to get "exactly what they deserve" when they wrong me, or someone I love, I have to ask myself, "am I willing to get exactly what I deserve?" Or would I prefer to live under the grace and mercy that I've personally traded for justice. If it's good for me, it has to be good for others as well.

This scripture, like so many is simply stated. It's beautiful and clear and its purpose is evident. It's like strapping on a set of skis. I look at them, I know how they work, I have seen others ski and I mentally "get" what I need to do, but when I put the, on for myself I stumble, struggle, fall down and fail. It is awkward and difficult. There is nothing "natural" about it. So what do you do? You keep getting up, and doing it over again and again and again, until what you mentally understand that you need to do becomes natural to do. It won't be perfect, there will always be falls, and you have to watch out for the obstacles and terrain that make it more difficult, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

That's where I am, trying to learn how to ski this simple mountain, that really isn't so simple at all. Mount Micah - here I come... again. Maybe I won't fall down so many times today.

100 Verses - Week 21

2012-01-29T17:54:00.000-08:00

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape, so that you are able to bear it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

Join the Challenge.

Based on the book 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart by Robert J. Morgan

100 Verses - Week 20 - The Hardest Verse of All

2012-01-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

The verses for this week are probably going to be a huge sigh of relief for most long time Christians. My guess would be that next to John 3:16, this weeks 2 verse passage is probably one of the most well-known, commonly quoted passages of all of scripture. If you have not yourself recited it, I would be surprised if you didn't have it quoted to you or at least hear it said at some point and time in your own personal Walk of Faith.

So other than the probable slight difference in the translation that we've been using, I am figuring that most of you will read the passage with a huge sigh of relief and mentally check your memory verses for this next week off your list. You might consider it a great week for catching up on verses from previous weeks in the Challenge. Woot! Woot! You've got this.

As for me, meditating on this week's passage is going to be tough. When I look at it, I see simple "kingdom math" - a + b = c, kind of stuff, the classic if/ then scenario. It's truth, and it sounds so simple, but I personally find myself in the thick of begging God to prove it true in my life, and I find myself waiting. I have confidence it will prove true, I just don't know when.

This week's verses:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own understanding.
Think about Him in all your ways,
and He will guide you on the right paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

I trust the Lord, with all my heart. I take Him at His word, completely. I know if He said, He will surely do it, God is not a man that He should lie. God has proven Himself trustworthy to me, time and time again. So often it doesn't make sense to me, but I trust Him more than I trust me anyway. Too much flesh and emotion in the human psyche, including mine. I do think about Him all the time, in everything I do. He is the filter I run everything through. I'm constantly thinking about Him, and about how He feels about the things I do and the things I say. I seek His wisdom and direction constantly. I do my best (which of course in my humanness always falls short) to follow the three commands before the promise in this passage of scripture.

But I am waiting on the promise. I am waiting for the direction. I'm not seeing it, I'm not hearing it, but I am waiting for it. Right now I find myself feeling completely lost. I don't know where God wants me, or what He wants me to be doing. I feel adrift. I don't know where Go wants me to serve or how. I feel like I am supposed to know and make a decision, and I am terrified of finding myself in a place I don't belong for another ten years (even a year is too long.) I know my gifts, and I can find no place for them. I don't know what God wants me to do with the blog, I don't know what God wants me to do with my book. The speaking opportunity I have been praying for finally presents itself and then He tells me to say "no." I suppose that was "directing me on a right path." But the right path still feels like a whole lot of limbo, and I have been in limbo for a very long time, and the path ahead, looks like a whole lot more.

...He will guide you on the right paths. It's truth. But it isn't easy. This kingdom math is actually a lot like "kingdom algebra." There are a lot of unknowns in this equation. My heart aches at the difficulty of the problem. But as it says in the Psalms, "Whom have I in heaven BUT You, Lord?"

I'm going to be soaking the verse in this week. I'm going to believe and hold to it in faith, and hope for the day to soon come when the promise it holds is fulfilled in my life, in Jesus' name.

The 100 Verse Challenge is based on Robert J. Morgan's book 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart.

Hard Questions

2012-01-18T11:39:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who wants to demand an answer of God sometimes? The question may vary, but the attitude is the same, "Please Lord, ANSWER ME!"

Why?

When?

How?

So many different questions, but the heart behind it is the same, "Lord, I want some assurance, I want some encouragement, direction, insight, help..." I want something from You!

Sometimes the questions are big, "Why did He die Lord? He was so young, had so much to offer, had so much potential..." Sometimes not so much so, "Why Lord did the car have to break down today?"

"When" is my question often. "When Lord will the reaping season begin?" "When will I see answers to my prayers, hopes, dreams, aspirations...??" There are big "when's" too, "When will my loved one see their need for You?" "When will you return?" "When will suffering end?" "When will Your will be done on earth?"

"How" I find to often be a constant question. It's behind all the why's and when's, even when it isn't spoken. "How are we going to come up with the money to pay for the new tire?" "How is God ever going to get through to him?" "God, how will You ever answer my prayer?"

There is an accusation, albeit probably unintentional, in practically all of these questions. It says, "I don't trust You, God." For people of faith, that's a hard reality to wrestle with. Where is our faith and confidence in the God we proclaim to worship. Because the fact of the matter is, if we don't believe He has the power, ability, compassion, concern, desire to care for our needs, then why would we worship Him anyway?

Now make no mistake, I'm not talking about some "concession" God, enter prayer/ out comes the answer, but what I am saying is, when we DON'T get the answers to the questions we are answering, we need to check our hearts, and see if our faith is in the answers or in God! When we questions His actions (or lack of them) we need to be careful we don't allow it to accuse His character. We need to, with purpose, remember to take our eyes off of our circumstances and put them on our God. We have to remember WHO He is, and we we need to answer the "why's," "when's" and "how's" with the Who.

Do you know WHO God is?

Do you know He is the One who is the Rewarder of those who diligently seek Him?

Do you know He is the One Who is faithful and just to forgive of us of all our sins? (Through Christ)

Do you know He is the Giver of every good and perfect gift?

Do you know He is the Lover of your soul?

Do you know He is the Author and Finisher of your faith?

And as such He is far more concerned with revealing Himself to you than He is with proving Himself to you.

So let me encourage you, next time you find yourself asking the hard questions, look for the One who is the answer, rather than the answers themselves.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD...
Jeremiah 29:11-14
(emphaisis mine)

VLOG - 39 Years, 50 Million Dead

2012-01-16T12:12:00.000-08:00

This is my first ever "vlog" or video blog, and honestly, I have to say, I could make a list of a thousand reasons why (aesthetically) not to post it, but the message is more important than the messenger.

I hope you will overlook the videos shortcomings and hear the heart behind it.

100 Verses - Week 19

2012-01-15T17:58:00.000-08:00

This week is going to be one of the more "challenging" weeks of the Challenge. It's one of the rare weeks where we have THREE verses, but we're on our 19th - that's NINETEENTH - week of our challenge, and I have full confidence that you can rise to the... well, Challenge! So I hope you all feel up to it and are ready for this week.

So we are continuing in 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart in the section titled: "Promises: Verses to Stand On." Check out Robert J. Morgan's website, he has the book on sale and has updated the website as well. He has a new devotional available based on his "Then Sings My Soul" series, you might want to check that out.

I'm going to be honest, I am behind in reading the commentary about the verses in the book, but "commentary" is a far second to the verses themselves, so give thanks to the Lord, I'm going to be short and sweet and straight to the point, here are your THREE memory verses for week 19:

Verse 1:

"For I know the plans I have for you,"-- this is the Lord's declaration-- "Plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11

Verse 2:

But if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.
1 John 1:7

Verse 3:

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9

OK, there's lots of memorizing to work on this week, so you better get to it!

Intimate God

2012-01-13T21:53:00.001-08:00

How do you picture God?

Do you imagine Him far off and distant? Uninterested in your daily life? Do you picture Him as the the Great Disciplinarian? Watching over you angrily, waiting for you to make a mistake so He can being down His holy hammer and punish you? Think a moment about that one. When something goes wrong, do you immediately assume it's because He is displeased with you? The car breaks down because you forgot to write your tithe check? Sickness comes because you aren't faithful enough in your prayers?

Maybe you think He isn't interested in the little details of your life. He's too busy concerning Himself with war and famine and "important issues" to pay any mind to what concerns you. Hard hearted and official? Like a bean counter for eternity, a naughty and nice list for heaven? How do you see Him?

When my oldest child was a toddler I used to pray about how to make God real to my son. One of the things I find hardest as a parent is passing on the "reality" of faith, the tangible sense of knowing God. Jacob used to carry around this little green frog with him. It was not bigger than a quarter, and he LOVED it. Needless to say, it was easily misplaced. One day Jake was beside himself after having lost it. The "thought" occurred to me, we should pray to find it. So we did. He stood before me as I sat on the couch and we bowed our heads and prayed together, he asked God to help him find his "froggie." After our "Amens" I lifted my head and looked across the room. I saw a glint of green that caught my eye. I walked across the room and found the frog wedged between our other couch and the end table. Froggie was added to the list, he "once was lost and now was found."

Sincerely though, it was a beginning, God revealed Himself not only to Jacob but to me. He cared enough about Jake's little heart to help us find it. Not because it was important, but because it mattered to Jake. And Jake matters to God. In the sixteen some years since then, we've prayed for many lost things. Just last year we went over to a friend's house and found her keys for her after they had been missing for a day and a half. We drove over and found them literally within minutes. I believe the lesson for me was if I would listen, God would lead.

That's an important lesson, and one God simplified in little things, so that I would have confidence to listen to Him in bigger and much more difficult tasks. I could dismiss the "still small voice" or I could train myself to listen, and learn to respond in faith.

That's how this blog was started. After a very difficult season of not being able to serve in my gifts, I was hurting and frustrated, and crying out before the Lord. It was alone in a hotel room at a women's retreat that I heard Him whisper, "write." Then He spoke to the heart of a trusted friend who knew nothing of what I had thought I'd heard, and praying for me, she felt she heard God encourage her to exhort me to "blog." It was a confirmation, and it was the direction I asked for, because when God said, "write," I asked "write what?" He answered.

Does that sound nuts to you? It shouldn't. The Bible says, My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. (John 10:27) The Lord still speaks. He told us to follow Him,and so He leads. The Holy Spirit lives INSIDE of believers! I don't believe He lives there silently. In fact I wonder how often the still small voice goes unnoticed.

I've noticed alot lately how noisy and busy life has become these days. "Still" and "quiet" are words that only describe the dead these days. TV's, iPods, laptops, smart phones- often all at once. Even as I sit here now typing this on my laptop, the TV is on, I keep checking Facebook and Twitter and text messages. I don't fully focus one thing, much less fully focus on Him. I think about how often my husband sit in a restaurant at dinner both fiddling on our phones while we "talk." Facebook, Words With Friends, the "net," all distracting our focus- we barely focus on each other and we're sitting there face to face- how much harder is it to focus on the Lord?

I've been working a lot to still my heart and my mind, taking quiet walks with the Lord, trying to listen. I've stopped taking my phone in my room at night, I don't go and retrieve it in the morning until I have spent time reading the Word. Even still, I find my mind running a thousand directions. I know in my spirit, the Lord is calling me to come, to be still, to listen for His voice. Why? Because he cares about the things that concern me... because He cares about me.

But know that the LORD has set apart for Himself
him who is godly;
The LORD will hear when I call to Him.
Be angry, and do not sin.
Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.
Psalm 4:3-4

Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!
The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah
Psalm 46:10-11

Selah is a musical term, it is a rest, a break. I believe it is made in anticipation of what is coming next. Like a gasp of air before submerging under water, it is a gasp for the breath of life before entering fully into Him. Perhaps? Could it be like the whispered beckon. God is our refuge, breathe deep, enter in. And listen for your Shepherd's voice.

100 Verses - Week 18- Anchored

2012-01-08T17:58:00.000-08:00

Congratulations! I want to congratulate every one of you who has been participating in the 100 Verse Challenge. Whether this is your 2nd week of our 18th, you are making a wise decision to hide God's word in your heart. And whether you have all 33 verses firmly established, or some smaller amount, there is NO failure when it comes to learning the Word of God. And I applaud you for your effort. And I suspect even if you don't feel confident that you have learned every scripture, chapter and verse, I am confident that it has been hidden in your heart for the Lord to draw upon in the moment He requires it. Your treasure box is getting fuller, and with it you are getting richer!

We are entering into a new division in Robert J. Morgan's 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart this week. The new portion is titled "Promises: Verses to Stand On." And truth be told, that is EXACTLY why I started the Challenge. I think having verses to hold onto, or "stand on" in life make all the difference in our "walks of faith."

I had a conversation with a friend earlier this week. It's someone I have "kept my eye on" consistently since we met not long after his conversion. As a new young believer there have been times when I have tried to direct him toward the Word in his struggles with his new found faith. Often I have been extremely maternal toward him, one of my "spiritual kids." He told me about some changes going on with him. When I responded that I wasn't worried about him, he seemed surprised and found it to be a "new experience." I told him he seemed anchored to me, to which he replied, "I feel shaken up, but I know what to do." And I know what he meant, he's finally grasped that his answers are in God's Word.

That really is what "anchored" means. It does not mean that you are not tossed about by the waves, it just means the waves don't have the power to move you away from where you need to be. When you are anchored to the Word, standing on the promises of God, you can be secure in any circumstance. Taking God at His Word is a major faith empowerment. (And He does, after all, deserve that confidence.)

I'm going to be honest, I already have both of this week's verses established firmly in my heart and mind (which is convenient also because I need a little more work on the verses from the past 2 weeks while the kids were on break, but I digress.) Both of these verses are very dear to me. The first verse is one I have recited continually during financial difficulties and during seasons where I have battle anxiety attacks (specifically along with the first verse we will be working on next week.)

The 2nd verse from this week is one of my life verses. It's a verse that I have held to, and seen proven in my own life since my return to Christ in 1992. This verse has been constantly intertwined throughout my entire testimony regarding the spiritual healing of my abortion, my infertility struggles, and through Ethan's adoption. It is one of the first anchors the Lord ever gave me in "My Walk of Faith."

I suspect both of this week's verses will be familiar to you, if not, I am excited for you! But even if they are, and you already have one or both of them memorized, I encourage, meditate on them this week, think about how they have proven true in your own walk, and allow them to remind you of the goodness and faithfulness of our God! So here we go:

Verse 1:

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.
Matthew 6:33

Verse 2:

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
emphasis mine

Thank you all who are continuing on (or joining in) this journey on the 100 Verse Challenge with me. God bless you as you grow your hearts by filling it with God's Word!

Heart Surgery

2012-01-02T20:42:00.000-08:00

Submission, worship and prayer.

These are the three areas I feel (know) I need work. So I am carefully contemplating asking for it.

It feels like a dangerous prayer. And if I am honest, I've already prayed it, because in the moment of revelation where God is showing me that's what I need, I actually want it. But when the process is happening, I find myself less certain that it's what I want. As soon as the discomfort is there, I'm ready to bail.

It's only about 60 hours or so since I prayed it with confidence. And although the Lord has already shown me He was listening, I find myself wanting to take it back.

It's sort of like having heard the diagnosis from the doctor. He's said, "your heart is sick, and the only answer is surgery." The problem is, I don't feel "sick." At least not all the time. If I'm resting, and not trying to exert myself (spiritually) I don't notice the weakness in my heart. If i sit back and relax, I feel fine, in fact, that is if I willingly ignore the need to get off the "couch" to live the abundant life God has called me to.

But the truth is, the diagnosis isn't in what I feel, it's in what the Physician sees. He knows the signs, He knows the dangers, and He is a good doctor, and so if He says I need "surgery," He's right. And because even getting to His examination room required enough heart effort to feel the weakness and sickness inside, I agree with his diagnosis, and I sign up for his treatment plan.

So I show up for surgery. Showing up doesn't require a lot of effort, and as I wait to be wheeled into the "operating room," I find myself leaning back, comfortable, and not feeling the stress or strain of my weak heart at all. Even as I am wheeled into the operating room, I'm feeling pretty good.

As I lay waiting, I find myself thinking maybe I don't need surgery after all. I mean the fact is, the surgery is likely to be painful, the recovery a slow and even difficult process. Maybe I'd rather just live with the weak heart. It's not killing me today, so maybe I'd rather just wait, and make the best of my weakened condition. And that's why I want to climb off the operating table, run out of the operating room and never look back.

I am tired of being torn between living with this weakened heart and suffering the process of God fixing it.

It's been a long dang season. I thought I was finally seeing a season of change up ahead, and now I feel like what I thought was going to be different isn't going to be different at all. At least not unless I finally get up on that operating table and let God do the work He needs to do.

There's that first part of that list, submit. And the situation comes full circle.

I am tired of loss. I am tired of loneliness. I am tired of feeling like an outsider. I am tired of feeling stuck. But I am terrified of the process of change. But I am even more terrified of things never changing.

I want to know every detail of the surgery. I want my Surgeon to tell me exactly what He's going to do. I want Him to tell me all the what's and the why's. I want to know how and I want to know how long, but He's not talking. And I know why- it's the one thing I am certain about.

It's not for me to know, because I'm not the Physician, and I'm not in charge of the surgery. Just as I can't fully know what the problem with my heart is, neither can I know or understand what is required to fix it. And I need to just trust the One who does.

Honestly, I wish it was my physical heart that needed fixing. There would probably be clearer answers about the healing process then. But no, it's not that simple.

I need to just face the diagnosis, and let the Doctor do His job (submit); I need to focus on the One who knows what He's doing and give Him the honor and respect to trust Him to be who He is, and accomplish what He can (worship); and I need to just ask Him to do the work that needs to be done, and to help me through the healing process, whatever it may require (prayer).

I've never felt so alone, but that's the thing about surgery, there isn't anyone there who can hold your hand. Laying alone on the operating table is a lonely and scary place. But what's the risk if I don't allow the surgery to be done? That needs to be the scariest question of all.

100 Verses Week 17

2012-01-01T17:09:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

One of the best parts of 2011 for me was starting the 100 Verse Challenge, and I'm excited to continue it here in 2012. Welcome to those of you who are continuing with me, and welcome to those of you who are just going to begin. Hiding the Word of God in our hearts is one of the most important things we can do as Christ followers. There is no better way to "follow Christ" than to know which way He is going, and being in the Word (remember from one our first verses Jesus is the Word) is our best bet.

Last week during our worship service, I could hear the Lord speaking quietly to my spirit about my need to grow in the area of worship. When it comes to Sunday morning worship, attention is a battle for me. I am easily distracted, and I struggle to focus on the Lord. My own voice and "how I sound" is often one of the worst culprits of distraction. I am chewing on the reality that it probably stretches beyond my singing where my own voice often stumbles me. I'm heading into 2012 with a heart to grow in the area of worship.

So I am excited that this week's memory verse is about... (drumroll please)... worship!

I heard a teaching once about worship where the speaker shared that worship is the one thing we do n this life that we will continue in eternity. There won't be prayer, there won't be witnessing, there won't be reading the Word (in their supposition) but there will be worship, and lots of it. In eternity, worship will absolutely be a lifestyle.

In his commentary about this week's verse, Robert J.Morgan, shares the following in our text 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart about worship and this week's verse:

"Worship is the gyroscope of the soul. A person without personal patterns of worship is like a ship or an airplane without any stabilization or direction. When we worship, we our aligning our minds to God's truth, our imaginations to God's glory, our emotions to God's stability, and our souls to God's songs. When we worship, we are approaching a glorious throne, joining an eternal chorus, praising a triune God, and glorifying a worthy Lord..."

Morgan highly recommends the extended text of Revelation 4 & 5 as the "primary text" on the subject of worship. This week we will be meditating and memorizing the one verse from the passage. Morgan recommends as you do so, think of it as a "summary of the whole scene around the throne" of God.

Here's this week's verse:

Our Lord and God, You are worthy to receive glory and honor and power, because You have created all things, and because of Your will they exist and were created.
Revelation 4:11

Was 2011 a Success?

2011-12-30T11:08:00.000-08:00

I've been pondering 2011 a lot these last couple weeks. And as I sit down to write this blog, there are just under 37 hours left in the year.

Last New Year's Eve all five members of my family sat down and wrote out a letter to the Lord- a list of our hopes and prayers, of our goals for 2011. Tomorrow sometime we will open them and see if and how things were answered. I suppose in a way we could use it to evaluate whether or not we consider 2011 to have been a successful year.

Honestly, I have forgotten a lot of the things I wrote in my letter. I do remember three goals. I wanted to lose 75 lbs, the term "epic failure" doesn't begin to express how bad I dropped the ball on that one. Another goal was to journal to the Lord every day. I didn't make it. I started out strong, but it didn't last, but I did fill two journals full of prayers and conversations, and am into my third. It's not a failure, it's just not the success I was hoping for. My third goal was to read through my entire Bible this year. I'm very excited about the fact that that goal will be accomplished by tomorrow evening. I've never done it before, but this year I will have (in Jesus' name.) One thing I didn't dare to hope I also accomplished, I wrote my first book in 2011. It's not much more than a stack of papers right now, but the potential for God's purpose is there. I know He was with me in the process.

Last New Year's Eve at a church service I was given a Bible verse, just as I was practically every year for almost two decades. It was Psalm 34:19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. And I'm going to be honest, I wasn't thrilled, the only one I liked less was when I got Psalm 23:4 a few years before (Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil...) But as always, even with Psalm 23:4, I saw the Lord was in fact speaking into the year ahead.

My reaction was eyes rolling and a heavy sigh of "not again!" My family laughed that once again I got one of THOSE scriptures. I was focused on the afflictions when the Lord was all about the deliverance, but I just could not know. I tried to rebuke the verse, but it was just a couple weeks into the New Year when Victoria came home with a Bible card she'd earned at school. She was reading it to me from the back seat of the van on the way home. "And the Bible verse is Psalm 34:19, Mommy, do you know it?" she asked. I told her I did, and I asked her if I could keep the card.

My prayer for the year of 2011 was a prayer for "jubilee." I was praying for freedom from financial debt, but the Lord answered it in His own way- truly a better way, that I could not have foreseen. I'll keep praying for freedom from financial debt, but I am grateful for better kinds of freedom, like freedom to hope again.

I lost my voice over the Christmas season this year. Funny thing about induced silence, it makes you a better listener. I was disappointed not to be able to sing Christmas carols with my church family. As I stood silently though, the Lord reminded me how often I get distracted by the sound of my own voice. I lose its purpose, giving honor to the Lord, when I become too consumed with how I sound. It's not just true in signing in church, it's true in life. I need to beware of becoming so consumed with "appearances" that I lose track of what the heart is supposed to be behind them. God was able to move my heart when I couldn't move my lips. It's a fact I am continuing to ponder.

This picture represents the best parts of 2011 for me (not counting people.)

My mom bought me the "Unlocking the Bible" series and my Kindle for Christmas 2010. I used the reading plan in the back of "Unlocking" and read through the books as they corresponded and it was life changing. My Kindle became a constant companion, and as a formerly avid reader, the e-reader re-Kindle-d my passion. I read probably two dozen books (after the prior year of not finishing two) and two of them I would consider life-changing: Anonymous by Alicia Britt Chloe and A Tale of Three Kings by Gene Edwards (read that one in just the last two days.)

The 100 Verse Challenge was birthed our of the 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart, we started it in September and I've memorized 30 verses already - awesome. I had the privilege of facilitating not one, but two bible studies this year. Who could foresee the irony of "Becoming a Woman of Freedom"? And the transtion represented in "Duty of Delight" has been an ongoing theme this year for me. The women I shared these studies with have established themselves firmly in my heart.

My journals represent a year of finally fully striving after the right thing in my life, a closer walk with the Lord. My new church, and particularly the "Hole in the Gospel" series we went through has has an impact on my life I could never have foreseen. And my Max Lucado Bible has been a gift, and my best companion in 2011.

This New Year's Eve I won't be pulling a card with a scripture like I have all these years before. So I asked the Lord to show me what the scripture was for me to hold to. After I asked I opeened my Bible to check out what reading was coming up in my plan, and the book of Habakkuk stood out to me. The next morning at church my pastor shared a verse from it.

For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry.
Habakkuk 2:3

When I asked the Lord for my scripture, I prayed He would help me be sure. I have been asking Him questions of "when?" and "how long?" all throughout this year. Some He has answered, some I stillwait and wonder. When my pastor read this verse the next morning, he read it, and he said, emphatically, "wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait for it..." I knew the Lord was helping me be sure. And just to confirm it, a mom at Victoria's birthday party brought it up again later that day. I feel confident this is the verse I am to hold to in 2012.

I am waiting with hope and expectation, confident not in the answer, but in the One who answers. Because I have learned in 2011, even if it isn't the answer I might imgine, the Lord's way is alwas the best.

For the first time in a very long time, I can say with all honesty that I feel like I am in a very different place spiritually than I was a year ago. And in all honesty, that makes 2011 an absolute success. I look forward to what 2012 will bring.

100 Verses- Week 16

2011-12-25T17:49:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!!!

Hey all! Jake here. Mama's up to her elbows in prime rib right now so I'm gonna give you this week's verse aaaaaaaand here it is!!!

Enter His gates with Thanksgiving and His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him and praise His name. For the Lord is good, and His love is eternal; His faithfulnes endures through all generations.
Psalm 100:4-5

100 Verses - Week 15 - Easter

2011-12-18T17:58:00.000-08:00

Christmas is just a week away. We are about to head into one of the busiest weeks of the year. If you are like me, there is still shopping for gifts to be done, packages will need to be wrapped. I have a special meal to plan, and all the shopping and preparation to do as well. I am grateful that the calendar is somewhat open, the kids' Christmas program is behind us, and our church Growth Groups are on a break, so evenings are open, but there is still much to be done. And of course we want to spend time together enjoying family, and most of all remembering the Reason for the Season, celebrating Jesus.

For those of you participating in our 100 Verse Challenge, you'll be relieved to know that we only have one verse this week. So in the midst of the busyness, the Challenge might be a little easier, only one verse to meditate on and commit to memory.

When I got up this morning and turned to the new chapter in 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart to see what verse we would be learning, I was kind of excited to see the verse we're learning could actually be considered an Easter verse. Why would I be excited about an Easter verse in the week leading up to Christmas, you might ask? The answer is simple, because without Easter, Christmas doesn't really mean much at all.

Without Easter the Christmas story is just a tale about a young woman giving birth in a difficult situation. If it were not for Easter, the Angels would have had nothing to proclaim, the shepherds would not have been drawn to the stable and the wise men would have had no reason to come and worship. Without Easter, Christmas isn't anything special at all.

Easter is the reason the Baby was born. Easter is the reason Jesus came. He came to give His life as a sacrifice for our sins, and on Easter morning when He rose again, Christmas became a day that mattered more than anyone could have fully realized as the Baby was laid in the manger that night. We never would have realized the Gift we were all given that night from the Father of Lights.

Here is our verse for memorizing this week:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to His great mercy, He has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
1 Peter 1:3

One thing it does not look like I will be getting to do this week is sing. I woke up yesterday morning with almost no voice, and now it's pretty much gone. A good hoarse whisper is about the best I've got. This morning at church I listened as Christmas carols were sung. They sang my favorite, "Joy to the World."

I would like to leave you with one final thought with the words to this beautiful song:

Joy to the world
the Lord has come.
Let earth receive her King.
Let every heart prepare Him room.

Think about our verse this week, and take heed to the invitation in this song. Prepare your heart to receive the Gift your Heavenly Father gave you on Christmas- a Savior who came to save your soul by giving His life as a sacrifice for you, and conquering death that you might have eternal life. Jesus is indeed the Reason for the season, and if you know that, then your Christmas will surely be Joy-filled, for you have much to celebrate!

Merry CHRISTmas!!!

100 Verses - Week 14 - Ungraspable Grace

2011-12-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

We have arrived at the 14th week of our Challenge. Our two verses from 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart this week are again consecutive and from what could arguably be the most significant chapter in all of the Old Testament, dare I say the whole Bible. They were prophetic when written, but for us a beautiful account of the Truth of our salvation today.

Robert J. Morgan shares his own insights in the book for our final two verses in the section titled "Assurance: Inner Peace and Security," but this week I want to share my own thoughts about the passage we'll be memorizing this week:

But He was pierced for our transgressions, crushed because of our iniquities; punishment for our peace was on Him, and we are healed by His wounds. We all went astray like sheep; we all have turned to our own way; and the LORD has punished Him for the iniquity of us all.
Isaiah 53:5-6

I get emotional as I read this passage. I struggle to even put into words the way it touches my heart in the deepest and darkest places. This truth is so amazing... it's Amazing Grace, really. The imbalance that I see here. I can't fully express it. Let me break it down in the way I read it.

Our transgressions...
Our iniquities...
We all went astray...
We all have turned our own way...

He was pierced...
Crushed....
Punishment was on Him...
His wounds...
The LORD punished Him...

For our peace...
We are healed...

Why? It's a question that can never be answered, because it's a love we cannot comprehend. No matter how much we love, our love has limits. You see it everywhere, estranged children, divorced couples, broken friendships. Our love is limited. We can reach a point of pain where we choose to walk away. Jesus never did. And the pain we have inflicted upon Him, is more than we can even fathom.

I love the Lord, and I honestly think about Him constantly. I have said many times, if He was still walking around here on earth, I would be His stalker. But I fail Him every day: an unkind word, a selfish attitude, a sinful thought. The things I did before I knew Him? Sinful beyond words. But every one of those sins, were wounds He bore so He could forgive me. And still I fail. And still He loves. To me, the reality of His grace cannot be grasped, but I am so thankful it can be received.

As the holidays approach, I need to remind myself that this is what Christmas is really all about. Celebrating my Savior, who loves me more than I can fathom. And the LORD has punished Him for the iniquity of us all. So the truth is, He died to forgive all, and yet so many celebrate CHRISTmas without even knowing the gift He died to give them as well. So I encourage you, as you work on your verses this week, not only ponder the wonder of the gift you've already been given, but consider passing that gift along to some that don't and perhaps they can unwrap the Geatest Gift ever this CHRISTmas season.

PS DON'T FORGET TO RSVP TO THE 2ND LEG THAT BEGINS ON JANUARY 1, 2012!!!

Lamentation

2011-12-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

Lamentation

Tomorrow seems to loom and say,
"I have no intention of going your way."

"My purpose is not in what you plan,
You can't direct me, only a fool thinks she can."

My heart's discouraged because I cannot see,
What in the world is planned for me.

I seem to fail, no matter how I strive,
To keep my diligence and determination alive.

What must God think when He can see,
All the hurt and anger that reside in me?

Feelings are not friends, can't trust what they say,
For me I often find, they just get in the way.

I don't feel like praying, of calling out to God,
Today my faith feels like nothing more than a facade.

Questioning so many, who call themselves my "friends,"
Actions speak louder than what the word pretends.

Then I have to wonder, is that the voice of dark oppression?
I honestly cannot say, that is a true confession.

When the feelings come, I want not to lift my head,
I'd honestly rather wallow and be swallowed up instead.

This the walk of a Christian? Surely it ought not be.
But this is how it happens, when my focus is only me.

Lord, forgive me for this bent, that draws my eyes away.
How I long for a steadfast focus that would never remotely stray.

My heart is troubled, which You said not to let it be,
"Believe in God," You said, "Believe also in Me."

I believe, I believe, I believe the Truth and not the lie.
My faith must rise, and my heart and feelings it must defy.

I pray the prayer of the prophet, "Lord, help my unbelief,"
For when my eyes are fixed on You, then I'll find relief.

Thank You God that you remember, I am alone but dust;
But You, my faithful Father, are deserving of my trust.

Help me not to falter, but to find my strength in You.
Lifter of my head, lift my eyes toward what is true.

Forgiven, not forsaken, chosen and set apart,
Written on Your hand, kept lovingly in Your heart.

Thank you for Your patience, and a friendship that is real,
Not defined by my circumstance, or by what I feel.

I'm longing for the peace of Your presence, in it's where I want to be,
For there I can exchange this hurt for joy, and in You I'll be free.

By Diana DePriest
© December 7, 2011

"Your heart must not be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if not, I would have told you. I am going away to prepare a place for you. If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come back and receive you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also.
John 14:1-3

100 Verses - Week 13

2011-12-04T17:58:00.000-08:00

Week 13. This week we continue in our portion titled "Assurance: Inner Peace and Security." It's the time of year when the word "Peace" is easily and frequently found. It's on tiny ornaments on the Christmas tree, it's on the stamps of Christmas cards, it's on the cover of the Christmas cards inside those envelopes, "Peace, peace, peace." The word is everywhere, but the sense of it can be very difficult to find.

As people look to the traditions of holidays, and they spy a shortage in their bank account for the "disposable income" for gifts, many of us don't feel a lot of peace. Spend twenty minutes at Wal-Mart or a mall, and you'll be hard pressed to find peace pushing through the intensity and chaos of the Christmas shoppers, that's assuming you get past the peace-stealing process of parking the car. The world proclaims peace, but it doesn't offer much, not even at Christmas. Which is why our first verse this week is so beautiful to me.

Verse 1:

Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Your heart must not be troubled or fearful.
John 14:27

What a beautiful truth. The peace Christ has for us is not temporary or easily affected the way the peace of the world is. It is deep and abiding. Robert J. Morgan encourages us to remember this verse and in times are hard to close your eyes and hear Jesus Himself whisper it to your heart. His peace is precious, and it is His gift to you.

The second verse from 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart this week is one of my all time favorites! It's one I have recited to myself and prayed over others a thousand times. Have you ever looked at something to hard that everything else around it sort of distorts and fades from your view? That's what this verse makes me think of.

You will keep in perfect peace the mind that is dependent on You,
for it is trusting in You.
Isaiah 26:3

The version I have memorized says "the mind that is fixed on You." When our minds are fixed, focused on the Lord, it overpowers whatever other "stuff" is trying to demand our focus. It makes the appearance of the Lord so keen, that we cannot see anything else, and no worry, fear or anxious thought can draw away our eyes from the Truth.

Every year at Christmas we pull out our stocking hangers. It's five letters, they spell out "P-E-A-C-E." Last year, my husband Neal suggested that we not put them away with all the other Christmas decorations after the holidays. So we didn't. And for the entire year "Peace" has stood on our mantle. I think it's an appropriate metaphor for the Christian life. Jesus may be "the Reason for the Season," but for us, He is celebrated in our home every day, 365 days a year. And because of that, His peace, His true peace is ours every day.

To the 100 Verse Challenge participants, thank you! Thank you for being here and learning God's word with us so faithfully. Be sure to RSVP to the Second Leg of the Challenge that starts on January 1st. I hope this Challenge has been as much of a blessing to you as it has been to me!

If you're new here, or just finally deciding you want to participate you can catch the last couple weeks of the Challenge by RSVP'ing here. (But that link will only get you through the next few weeks, RSVP to the 2nd leg as well.) Or just join the "100 Verses in a Year Group" on Facebook.

Do Discipline

2011-12-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

Discipline isn't discipline when there is no restoration, it's punishment. And punishment isn't a godly example in any way shape or form.

This holds true whether you are disciplining as a parent, a pastor or a boss. If you never restore the one you have "disciplined" then you have completely missed the point of the discipline in the first place, and in all likelihood done far more harm than good.

If the one who is under the discipline walks away feeling condemned rather than convicted then you have to take a hard look at the process, more so than the person. It is the one who is in the position of authority over another who has the greater responsibility, not the one who needs the discipline. In reality, so often as leaders (parents, pastors, teachers, bosses) the reason for necessary discipline can in many ways be traced back to a lack of instruction. As the same authority who is responsible for the instruction as the discipline, we need to take a hard look at what we can do to correct what caused the fault/ failure/ sin in the first place.

The key to good discipline is love. And it isn't evaluated by how the one who doing the discipline INTENDS it, the love is defined by the one who receives it. Now granted this isn't a foolproof litmus test, some people don't receive correction well. The Bible describes those kind of people as "fools," but again, that would indicate a greater burden would fall to the one who is wise, the one who's job it is to correct, and to discipline.

A fool spurns a parent’s discipline,
but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.
Proverbs 15:5

I believe this passage refers not only to actual physical parents, but spiritual parents as well (pastors, elders, teachers).

The origin of discipline is in the Lord, more specifically, in the LOVE of the Lord.

My son, do not despise the chastening (discipline) of the LORD,
Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;
For whom the LORD loves He chastens (disciplines),
And scourges every son whom He receives.”
Hebrews 12:5-6
But discipline always, always, ALWAYS should come with RESTORATION. I think of when Peter "sinned" against Jesus in his denial of Christ. It's an account in in the 21st chapter in the Book of John, and sincerely, for many reasons, it is one of my favorite stories in the Bible, including what I see in restoration. Three times Peter denied knowing Christ. It's an interesting dichotomy here of Christ's prophecy of it, could it have been a warning? If it was, it was one that Peter blazed right past. (I love that Peter, he gives me hope!) But either way, Peter committed the sin, and three times he denied Christ.

Peter's discipline was the natural consequence of the guilt and pain of committing the sin. (Sometimes, natural consequences, a parent's disappointment, seeing the pain one has inflicted IS sufficient discipline, other times a harsher consequence must be added on-- whole other blog post.) The reality is, Peter sinned THREE times, THREE denials of knowing Christ. And when Jesus came to the side of the sea and called out to Peter on the boat, I can't begin to imagine Pete's joy, because he saw standing there on the side of the sea, a second chance, of that I am certain. Old Pete put on his coat and dove right in to swim after it.

Next comes, to me, one of the most tender scenes in all the Bible. As Jesus sits down and has a conversation with Peter. I think there was more discipline here, because he asked Peter hard questions about whether or not Peter truly loved Him, and poor Peter felt the weight of his failure, but for the restoration of his failures, Jesus told him THREE times, to get back to doing what Christ had called him to in the first place, “Feed My lambs.” “Tend My sheep.” “Feed My sheep."

Oh glorious God, I could bawl my eyes out right here reading it! That is true restoration, restoring one to be able to serve and walk out his or her faith in the Lord! How many wounded walk away never to find their place in the family again because someone has not disciplined properly, and instead they have added to the list of the bitter and wounded, those hurt "by the church." The heart of God is not in the discipline, it is in the restoration! And that alone is the sole purpose of the discipline in the first place!!

We have to grab hold of this people. This is Truth, and as parents, pastors, leaders, teachers, we need to remember the power and responsibility to discipline another should be worn as a weighty burden, not lorded over others, but carried with fear and trembling. And if we are EVER called to do it, we have not done it properly unless we have completed the process with restoration.

Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.
Galatians 6:1-3

The heard of God is always in the redemption, and the redemption is found only in the restoration. Praise be to the God who restores and redeems, let us each seek to be like Him.

Suffer an Awakening

2011-11-29T19:22:00.000-08:00

We've been at our new church home for eleven Sundays now. Honestly, we couldn't be happier. All change has its challenges, but God has had His hand in our transitioning.

We've been slowly getting plugged in, meeting new people, making new friends. We've joined a home group, Jake has been attending youth group, Ethan and Victoria have started Awana. We took the membership class (and signed on the dotted line) and even participated in a couple of outreach fundraisers, and even attended a really fun concert with one of the pastors and several members of our church.

We haven't plugged in yet to serve, Neal's not playing drums yet, Jake hasn't stepped up to get involved with children's ministry, I haven't even found a place where I fee like I might belong, but all of us still feel a part. My younger kids have actually started serving, and I have been reminded about the Lord's encouragement that what they need as we're raising them is different than the things that were best for Jake.

It's starting to feel like home, and all of us feel really grateful to be there. But for the past few weeks, I have been feeling something else, something new, and painful.

As a church, we are currently going through a series based on the book "The Hole in the Gospel" written by World Vision CEO Richard Stearns. It's a powerful and thought provoking book that talks about where our "personal gospel" is missing the mark, and the way each of us as individuals is missing the heart of God, specifically in what the book of James calls "pure religion."

Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.
James 1:27
The pain I've been feeling, is the slow realization that my personal religion has not, at least for sometime, been either pure or undefiled. These last few Sundays as my family and I drive away from our church, I have sensed such a heavy pain and ache in my chest. It's almost as though I can feel the weight pulling my proverbial heart from my core.

It's a funny thing this ache though. As much as it hurts, it's a good thing. It reminds me of the way I have felt when my arm feels when I've laid on it wrong at night and I wake to a numbness in it. When I shift and move and the circulation is restored, it begins to tingle, and to ache. It's because where life has been held back, the blood begins to flow, and feeling is restored, but before it's "well" and feels healthy again, it has to suffer the discomfort of awakening.

I feel like my heart has been suffering an awakening. Where it has been asleep, and the blood of Christ has not been flowing, life is slowly returning. When the flow of blood is fully restored, so will its strength be.

I want my heart to feel the full flow of the blood of Christ, so that it may wash clean my "personal religion," and make it both pure and undefiled, but the process is painful. Even admitting that this pain is a reality is hard. It's not as though I was backslidden or in rebellion, I was just missing the mark. Which in reality is how sin is defined.

I have been challenged to pray for the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His, and I think this crushing pain I feel is exactly that. He is breaking my heart. But I am grateful for the pain, because it is a sign of life, renewed life, I pray.

100 Verses - Week 12

2011-11-27T17:32:00.000-08:00

It's a holiday weekend, don't you know. And I'm not going to lie, I am BEHIND! That's part of the Walk of Faith, really, sometimes you're running and sometimes you're stumbling. I'm not stumbling in the "being left behind sense," but I am a little focused in other areas this week, like family time and getting my home in order. I've been working my tail off to get my house clean (yes, it was that much work) and to get back on track with my coupon clipping and what not with grocery shopping (today I spent $121, saved $129... I'd like a better margin, but it's a start.) So the truth is, I haven't even read the chapters for this week's verses in 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart, and I have no clue what Robert J. Morgan has to say about them. But I have said all along how you don't even have to have the book to participate in the Challenge, so this week I am going to start out experiencing a little of that for myself. I don't even have the scripture up on the board yet!!

In all honesty we struggled practicing the verses together this past week as well. My little kids were off school for the whole week and we lost our regular practice time, so we will be doing some review this week, and I am already thinking ahead about how I will handle Christmas Break differently. It's obviously going to be an issue.

The good news is this weeks verses are linked to last week's verses, so there's an opportunity to learn them together still. Before I give you this week's verses, let me remind you that you need to RSVP to the 2nd leg if you want to continue with us in the New Year. The current leg of the Challenge ends on New Year's Eve. Click HERE to RSVP to continue in the 2nd leg of the Challenge. Hope you will continue with us! (Of course you can also just continue here on the blog as well.)

OK enough stalling, here on this week's verses:

Verse 1:

If I go away and prepare a place for you,I will come back and receive you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also.
John 14:3

Verse 2:

Jesus told him, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.
John 14:6

Hope you're Thanksgiving was awesome, I'm thankful for all of you who support the blog and are joining us here in the Challenge!!

100 Verses - Week 11

2011-11-20T12:30:00.000-08:00

Going to keep it short and sweet this week (relatively speaking, it's still me after all, haha.)
We're at week 11, and this week's verses are rolled into another "double shot" - two consecutive verses in a single passage. I'll give you a sneak peak and tell you the first verse from next week is the 3rd consecutive verses, to complete a whole passage, in case you want to work ahead. We're in the gospel of John again, and still in the portion of Robert J. Morgan's section entitled: "Assurance - Inner Peace and Security."

Just as a reminder, you don't need the book 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart that our Challenge is based on, but if you're looking for a good book, I would highly recommend this one. It's got some great insights into the verses and explains the reasons behind his choices. So, put it on your wish list. But to participate, you need to pop over here to the blog or onto the Challenge Page on Facebook to RSVP, and every Sunday around 6 PM PST, you can find out the new verses for the coming week. It's not too late to join, we still have 42 weeks (including this one) and some 80+ verses to memorize.

This week my kids and I were reviewing the verses we've been learning so far and it was exciting to see how much has stuck. I was especially proud of my daughter, she was nailing alomost every one! So, you're here, why not join in? What could you possibly regret?

Here is our passage (2 verses) for this week:

Your heart must not be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me.
In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if not I would have told you. I am going away to prepare a place for you.
John 14:1-2
Morgan points out that the context of these verses are important. Let not your heart be troubled... These were not empty words shared in simple times. The Lord told them this just after informing them He would be leaving them. This is a passage of scripture to hold on to "in the most troubling times of life." Morgan encourages us with these words I want to pass on to you: "...it's able to reassure us, too, in life's deepest valleys,darkest days, and strangest twists and turns.We trust in God and in God's Son!"

That, I believe is an encouraging word, and a Word to be thankful for! So as we enter into Thanksgiving week, remember these words, and know whatever you may be facing, God is for you.

By the way, we will soon be entering into the 2nd leg of our Challenge which requires a new RSVP for the second leg. It won't automatically transfer, so click on over HERE and sign back up for part 2, or join is for the first time.

Convicted to Remember

2011-11-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

Someone challenged me more than year ago to write a novel during the NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month - Challenge. At the time I was dismissive, but I kept the idea filed away in my mind. This summer I remembered the challenge and decided to jump in with both feet.

I knew from the beginning what story I wanted to tell. All fiction is rooted in some truth. The story I wanted to share was part of my own testimony, part of the testimony of someone I love, but mostly parts of many stories I have known and heard. (For more on my personal Testimony, click: HERE.)

When I came to Christ, I came broken, destroyed even. Abortion had left a huge scar on my heart and my soul. In reality, God was gracious to me. I suffered that pain for only a few years, compared to women who God later brought into my life who suffered much longer, decades even, I was extremely fortunate. But God did not grant me that grace without a purpose.

For many years I had an online ministry to other women who suffered from post-abortion syndrome. It is like a form of PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, and it is much more common than one might think, or want to acknowledge. I was fortunate to be placed in the lives of hundreds of women through the anonymity of the internet in the early 90s. I had a ministry called Saving Grace Ministries, and we ran a group called PAWSE - Post Abortion Women, Support & Encouragement. Through this group God helped me to help dozens of women reach out for help in their own churches and communities. I had a front line view of the devastation abortion causes among women, and had the privilege of helping them find healing and wholeness in Christ the way I did, through other supportive women, and most of all through Christ's love and His Word.

In the late 90s I had the privilege to serve in a national ministry called Healing Hearts and was trained to lead a Bible study very much like the one I went through that led me to a recommitted life to Christ, and the healing and wholeness that can only be found in Him. I had the privilege also of facilitating one session of that study, and helping 5 other women find healing in Christ.

I knew the truth, and I did what I could to make an impact for Christ and help women find hope and redemption the way I had. But in 2001 I both adopted and gave birth to a baby in the same year. Two babies born (not quite) ten months apart had a huge impact on my world. The fact that my son's adoption was a nightmare did not help matters at all. For the next three and a half years till we finalized his adoption, it was all I could to to be a wife and mom and juggle life at home. I'm not making excuses, life is seasonal, and God is gracious, but in the process of working on this novel, I have realized how much I have forgotten.

In the 90s when I came to Christ, taking a stand against abortion was fashionable. The fact is, the last 10 or more years in the church, that's no longer the case. Abortion is the issue Christians may vote against, or even make a moral statement against, but fewer and fewer are actually doing anything to take a stand against. The frightening thing about that is that statistically, nothing has changed, the abortion situation is getting no better. The fact is, statistically speaking, in the ten minutes it takes you to read this blog, 23 babies will have been aborted, that's if you imagine abortion happening every minute of every day of the year. Over 2 unborn babies a minute, and not only is their life destroyed, the life of their mother is impacted as well.

As research I watched a 9 week ultrasound on YouTube. That's how far along I was when I had my abortion. Go to YouTube for yourself and see, watch a video from any first trimester ultrasound. These babies are aborted in droves. For every 3 children born in the US, 1 is aborted. As a mother of 3 living children, the irony of that is not lost on me.

The Lord has convicted me greatly these past few months, and especially the past few weeks as I have been writing my novel, that as Christians, we cannot turn a blind eye to the devastation of abortion. The fact is that statistically the percentages are exactly the same both in and out of the church. We need to take a stand for the unborn, but we also need to reach out to the hurting women who are siting in the pews of our churches feeling shame and fearing judgment. And I will tell you, it is not that the church is bringing the shame on women. As a woman who has had an abortion, I can tell you in all honesty, God has created in us an awareness of how unnatural it is to destroy life. Shame comes from the act, not its observation. But it is not God's will that these women continue in pain and shame, it is His will to bring the freedom and wholeness that can only be found in Christ.

Please take a moment to watch this video:

I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live...
Deuteronomy 30:19

100 Verse Challenge - Week 10!

2011-11-13T17:58:00.000-08:00

Amazing! We've made it to week 10! Double digits seem like a bit of a milestone to me, and I would like to congratulate anyone who is still here and still working at the challenge. If you're on track and have memorized all the verses up to now, you are on either your 19th & 20th verses, or your 20th & 21st if you included the "bonus verse" that completed the Roman Road. Either way that's quite an accomplishment! And even if you have only learned some of them, that's still something to be proud of. If by chance you have just stumbled upon us, I encourage you, we have a lot more road before us than we do road behind. We are still going to learn around another 80 verses between now and the end of the Challenge. If you would like to join in, you can click here to RSVP on Facebook for the rest of the first leg of the Challenge, or you can subscribe to the blog on the upper left hand corner of the page.

I don't know about you, but we found Week 9 to be a little difficult around here. The passage from last week was a bit of a tongue twister. We were still working on it even this morning. I'm happy to report that our verses for this week look a little less difficult, and so I'm hoping we'll get both passages down pat by the end of this week.

Interestingly enough, the two verses Robert J. Morgan chose for this week are just a couple verses in the bible before the ones we studied last week. Like last week, our two verses are consecutive and forming a single passage. The math therefore is 1+1=1, so before it gets confusing, it is technically TWO verses, but they are written, and best memorized, together as one passage.

In his book 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart, Morgan lists this weeks verses as the first two under the section he has labeled, "ASSURANCE: Inner Peace and Security." He tells a story abot how when he was in college an older classmate told him to memorize these scriptures. His encouragement to Morgan was that as long as he knew these verses, he would never doubt his salvation. Morgan shares how through the years he has referred back to them many times.

So here we go, ready? Week 10's verses:

And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life,
and this life is in His Son. The one who has the Son has life.
The one who doesn't have the Son of God does not have life.
1 John 5:11-12
Morgan points out that it is important to note what is NOT in this passage, he says, "there is no maybe, if, might or hope so..." It is a done deal, "irrevocably accomplished," and this is a promise to hold on to.

God has done it, and if you have accepted Christ, you have received with Him life, and life eternal. Because He lives, you live too! What a thrilling truth to hold to!

Links:

Leg one of our Challenge on Facebook (September 11-December 31)to RSVP Click Here

Leg two of our Challenge begins January 1, 2012, to RSVP Click Here

And finally, if you'd like more info on the book that we are basing our Challenge on and its author, you can Click Here. The book is also available on Amazon, Click Here.

Famine

2011-11-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

"Go hungry, so children don't have to." That was the challenge brought before our church. Honestly I was excited to be a part of a body that was coming together in sacrifice and determination to meet an immediate need for starving children. I'd never received that kind of invitation before. Of course I have heard requests for fundraising, been solicited to donate or help out people in need, but this was different. This was the first time I felt like I was given an invitation to truly participate, and get a (very small)glimpse into their need.

Neal and I are World Vision sponsors. We sponsor two different children, a boy, Jose, who lives in the Dominican Republic, and a girl, Rahel Juju who lives in Tanzania. Each of them are the same ages as Ethan and Victoria respectively. We do help these children, our support makes their world different, and World Vision is an amazing organization. At our church our pastor is currently doing a series on the book "A Hole in Our Gospel," which is written by the president of World Vision, Richard Stearns. But the fact is, I don't even see my payment go to World Vision. It's an automatic payment that it withdrawn monthly from our bank account, it's just a part of our budget, and I don't even give it much more consideration than being aware of it when I balance our checking account. It by no means diminishes what the money does for those children, but I am realizing it has diminished what it does in my heart.

It was only for 24 hours. Eat an early dinner on Thursday night and a late dinner on Friday, and honestly it was only two meals we were asking to say "no" to. The goal was to take whatever money you would have spent on eating out or groceries and donate it to feed children in the Philippines instead.

I was excited because for the first time in 20 years Neal wanted to participate in a fast. I was so excited when I looked over in church a couple weeks ago and saw him check the box. The truth is, the things we've been hearing on Sunday mornings lately have been stirring both our hearts. We're coming to realize that maybe our faith hasn't been all it could be. Maybe in the "circle" of our lives, we were a little more center than either Christ or others, and that is, in essence, the HOLE in our gospel.

We decided to participate as a family. Giving up food isn't easy. Headaches, crankiness, but we were being asked to catch a glimpse, a tiny little glimpse of what millions experience daily. I couldn't have my 9 and 10 year old go to school without food. The reality is, I don't think the school would allow them to go the whole day without. I have on more than one occasion been charged for a $6 "emergency meal" because my kids forgot their lunches on the counter at home. So the children's breakfast and lunch were going to be rice and a little but of canned tuna. It was the closest I could come up with to be the equivalent of what the kids in feeding centers are finding to be a blessing and a bounty. I was hoping to create a little gratitude in the heart of my kids. As for their part in the challenge, the children's ministry was participating in a canned food drive for local families who are battling their own form of famine and need.

There were two things that really stuck with me about the day yesterday. The first was late Thursday night when I was preparing the bowls of rice for my kids. As I tried to find a balance of not giving them "too much" to diminish the insight for them, I thought about what it must be like for the mother finds herself wondering how to find enough. Here I was trying to figure out how not to give my kids too much. I can't imagine what it must be like trying figure out how to make something from nothing.

The second thing that really struck me was how hard it was to avoid food. Jacob came to work with Neal and I that day, and the thing I was most aware of was how much food there was to say no too. There was popcorn and chips to choose from on top of the refrigerator, a salad and yogurt inside of it. There was a box of Gingerbread Men in my desk drawer that I joked about them mocking me all day. It was hard to avoid food. I can't even begin to comprehend what it is to live in so much lack like the children we were trying to help.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit the revelation I was having. I'm not a cold-hearted or insensitive person. I DO care, that's why we are World Vision Sponsors, but my compassion lacked awareness. I'm excited to be a part of a place where I'm not allowed to be blinded to the needs of others any longer. There is pain in opening eyes to a light that it has been shaded from for many years, but it is better to see. Because only when we see can we make a difference. I feel like yesterday, my and my family's eyes were opened a little further to the truth of the needs of the world around us. I just pray I keep them open.

We when we gathered to break fast with communion last night, all of us were challenged to pray a prayer, "Break my heart, with what breaks Yours, Lord." I am praying that prayer now, and I hope it makes me a better tool in the hands of God to touch the world for Jesus. A small group of people raised enough money in a single day with a modicum of sacrifice to feed 185 children for a month! Why wouldn't we want to do that more?? We have the power to change the world, in Jesus' name!

The righteous care about justice for the poor,
but the wicked have no such concern.
Proverbs 29:7

*** Want to help feed a starving child? Check out crosspointechurch.tv where you can click on "give" and designate to "Manna" or consider sponsoring a child at worldvision.org***

Fat

2011-11-10T11:12:00.001-08:00

Have you ever eaten so much that you made yourself sick? Have you had the kind of meal that you ate so far beyond your capacity that it incapacitated you? Maybe a Thanksgiving dinner? Or a potluck? You've stuffed yourself full and you know you should stop but you don't? Have you ever made it your lifestyle? To the point that every time you step on the scale you've found the numbers going up a pound or two?

Physically, I think we've all done at least the meal. Some people like me can relate to fighting to overcome the bad habits of the lifestyle. Fat people live and eat differently than "naturally" thin people. For the thin, food is fuel, a stop in the road. For the fat, food is a destination, a place to get to. Whether you are fat or thin in body, you are one of these types of people in your head. You may have the will to overcome it, you may counter it as best you can with exercise and movement or by limiting what you take in, but if you are "fat-minded" food is still a destination and not a pit stop, and that means there is a problem, to be specific, a sin problem.

The food itself isn't the evil (truly thin people do not find themselves consumed with the count of every calorie, carb or fat gram.) The "evil" lies in the control that the food holds over us. It's the hidden spiritual issue that needs to be overcome, and probably why God listed "gluttony" as one of the seven deadly sins. I don't think He was expressing a concern about diabetes or high cholesterol, I think he was addressing "heart disease," and I don't just mean physically.

The tightening in my waistline has made me very aware of the physical ramifications of that kind of the fat-minded person's lifestyle, but only recently have I seen the depths of living that way spiritually. And I know I'm not the only one. Spiritually speaking it isn't "food" that makes us fat, but like the overeaten meal on Thanksgiving Day, it's the overabundance that incapacitates us. I think of Jesus' interaction with the rich young ruler in the gospel of Luke chapter 18:

18 Now a certain ruler asked Him, saying, “Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?”
19 So Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God. 20 You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not bear false witness,’ ‘Honor your father and your mother.’”[a]
21 And he said, “All these things I have kept from my youth.”
22 So when Jesus heard these things, He said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”
23 But when he heard this, he became very sorrowful, for he was very rich.

I think this young man was spiritually "fat." He had stuffed himself so full, that he couldn't even move. He wanted to follow Jesus, but his overabundance of "satisfaction" kept him from being able to get off the couch.

I think when we get spiritually "fat" we lay aside our commission to become "fishers of men" and turn ourselves into keepers of an aquarium. Forgive the multitude of metaphors here, but we become so satisfied with what's on our own table, and in our own bellies, that we become completely oblivious to the starving just outside our door. And when I say starving, I refer both to those starving physically and those starving spiritually.

I don't think it's intentional, but I think it is the risk we run here in the American church with our abundance; and the "heart disease" that comes from spiritual gluttony is a huge issue we need to overcome. We sit and thank God for our bounty, but our memory of what it was to be hungry (physically and spiritually speaking) is so completely faded, that we don't really appreciate what we have. And instead of being satisfied with "enough," we overindulge, and even suffer a consequence for it with a stagnation that is easily ignored if you find yourself surrounded by other "fat-minded" people.

It's then that we become "aquarium keepers" rather than the "fishers of men" we were called to be. We get focused on wrong things. First off, we forget that what we "have" isn't really ours, and was never intended to lull us into a place of complacenncy. We get to thinking of ourselves as owners rather than stewards. Like in the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30), what God has given to us was intended to be multiplied. Not for the purpose of us having more, but for the purpose of furthering of His kingdom.

There is a need to become "spiritually thin." In Hebrews 12:1 the Bible tells us "let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us I think God is calling us to thin out, and cease to overindulge. We need to remember what it is to be spiritually hungry.

I know I have a habit of not allowing myself to find physical hunger, but only recently have I begun to realize how much I have been too "satisfied" spiritually for too long. One of the most obvious ways to realize you are "fat" is to be surrounded by thin people. Never am I more aware of my thick waistline than when I am standing next to a thin friend for a photograph. Likewise, what I am finding, is that when you enter into a place of "spiritually thin" people, it magnifies your awareness of being spiritually fat as well.

God has brought me into a place where I am suddenly surrounded by the spiritually thin (and interestingly enough, many of them seem pretty fit and thin physically as well) and all I can think is how much I want to get to that place. I want to get to the place where I am focused on fishing men, looking outside the confines of my aquarium.

I want to find my way back to physically thin, but never have I realized the need to get there spiritually as well. I want to touch the world for Christ, and point people to the cross. There's a world starvig out there, and it's time to get off the couch and do something about it.

100 Verse Challenge - Week 9

2011-11-06T17:58:00.000-08:00

Super excited to still be here in week 9 learning the Word of God with those of you who are joining in with me. I look forward to Sunday each week finding out what the new verses of focus will be. I have a spiral notebook of index cards that I write my verses out in each week. I try to keep it with me regularly. When I'm driving it's in my center console so I can practice it with my kids. It's always part of our morning routine on the way to school. I also take it in and place it on my desk when I am work every day. It's an excellent way for me to practice the verses continually. This week as I was flipping through pages, it was exciting to realize that I've hidden these verses in my heart. I may not be able to memorize every single one verbatim, chapter and verse, but it's close. It was also fun when I was doing some reading along with my Bible reading that several verses in the commentary were familiar to me because of this Challenge. I hope everyone else participating is enjoying the experience as much as I am.

This week in 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart we are going to be memorizing and meditating on the last 2 verses in the section titled "Listening: The Word of God and Prayer." As has been the case on occasion in previous weeks, this week's two verses are consecutive, and so they will be written out as a single passage. If it's easier for you, feel free to break them up as the two individual verses, but be aware that they do go hand in hand. So here's our passage (2 verses) for this week:

Now this is the confidence we have before Him:
whenever we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.
And if we know that He hears whatever we ask,
we know that we have what we have asked Him for.
1 John 5:14-15

I think it's important to point out a particular phrase in this week's passage, ...according to His will. So often these days I hear a preaching of what has been come to known as the "Prosperity Gospel;" it is the name it and claim mentality of a lot of Christians. "Speak it as it is so," which I personally find to be a set up for disappointment in believers and a stumbling block for blaming God when people don't get the answers they to their prayers that they hope for. But it's clear from this passage that a huge prerequisite to God hearing and answering our prayers is that they are lined up with God's will.

Robert J. Morgan talks in the 100 Verses book about the importance of realizing that every prayer should in addendum speak a silent "if it be Your will." It is good to understand that our own perspective is limited, and therefore we should be willing and active in our efforts to defer to the leadership of the Father who knows exactly what the right answer is for our prayers, as Morgan puts it because "His perfect,providential oversight makes no mistakes and always results in the best for His children." Isn't that an exciting revelation??

HIStory

2011-11-03T12:54:00.000-07:00

November is National Novel Writing Month, and after the bidding of a girlfriend who encouraged me to participate in the event last year, I finally decided that this was the year to give it a shot. The goal is simple, you're supposed to write 50,000 words in 30 days. All totaled I think it will come out to about 125 pages if you hit the 50,000 mark. The goal is really no more complicated than that. No one is judging your work or editing your spelling and grammar, it's just about getting writers to write. You don't even have to finish the book in the 30 days, as long as 50,000 words are written, you have succeeded at the challenge.

It's not much past noon on day 3 for me, and I am going strong. I have hit the 10,000 word mark (10,455 to be specific) and am six chapters in to a novel of Christian fiction. There are moments where I wonder if the sense of accomplishment will be enough for me, or if I'll have regret of having written a work of fiction that other than a few close friends no one may ever read. If course there are lofty dreams of becoming the next Karen Kingsbury (accomplished Christian novelist) that waft through the corners of my imagination as well.

It's an interesting process writing a story. I think it has been said that all fiction has some roots of truth in it, and I can certainly trace lines between the story and characters I am creating with people and experiences in and around my own life, but the more I write, the more I find the story and the people in it taking on a life of their own. It's exciting. Just as in reading a good book, when I have a hard time putting it down and can't wait to get back to it, I find the same true in writing a story, one I can only hope will be found "good" upon it's completion.

One thing I did find interesting though was the importance of creating a mental history for my characters. As I write about who these people are in the moment of the story, I find myself having to reflect in my imagination on who they were before and where they'd come from. I actually had to finally sit down and write out a timeline and mark the milestones of the lives of my characters: places they had been, things that happened to them, ages they were in times of crisis or victory. I had to give consideration to how the people's paths has crossed in their history, and how their relationships in their pasts effected their interaction in the present day.

It made me think about how true that was in the real world for us as well. Who we are and where we are in life today has a lot to do with where we've been and what we come from.

I can't help but wonder if that isn't why in the Bible God is often reminding us to "remember" and to "tell."

Oh, give thanks to the LORD!
Call upon His name;
Make known His deeds among the peoples!
Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him;
Talk of all His wondrous works!
Glory in His holy name;
Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD!
Seek the LORD and His strength;
Seek His face evermore!
Remember His marvelous works which He has done,
His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth,
O seed of Abraham His servant,
You children of Jacob, His chosen ones!
Psalm 105:1-6

Have you ever shared your testimony with someone? A lot of people are intimidated at the thought of telling their stories, the stories about the things God has done in their lives, or even the promises He has spoken into their hearts. Even when they have seen prayers answered or dreams fulfilled, often many hold back from sharing it with others. Why? Fear perhaps? Intimidation? But I encourage you, step outside of your comfort zone.

Our testimony is the history of our lives, but if we will remember and tell, our "history" can become HIS-Story. And when our story is used as His story, telling of from where we have come, and our experiences along that path, we can bring both benefit to others and glory to God. Your life is a Truth that cannot be denied as God has written the gospel both on our hearts and demonstrated to those around us through our lives.

An added bonus I have experienced personally in the telling of my own testimony is the increase in my own faith. When I think upon the things God has gone has done in my life up to this day, and as I speak of His goodness to me, it is a powerful reminder of how and why I can trust Him with the story that still remains unwritten. For as a follower of Christ, I know God has good plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11), and a future planned also for my good and His glory.

As I continue writing me novel in the coming months, I can only hope to have the inspiration to write a story that will both entertain and encourage. But as I look forward into my own real life, I can look with confidence, knowing that the Author of my life will write the story of a lifetime, His Story, so long as I remain surrendered to Him.

I look forward to how my novel will unfold, but I can hardly begin to express the anticipation that rises up inside of me as I think of the promise and potential of my life tale that lies ahead following Jesus, a truly never ending story.

100 Verse Challenge - Week 8

2011-10-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love about the Lord is his timing. If you want to know the truth, I sincerely see the Lord as the Great Orchestrator. He is the God of the details, and if you could get a peek into His "Day Planner" I am confident we would be blown away by the way He manages everything. I know lots of people believe coincidences, but I'm not one of them. I do believe in God-incidences, and when I read the perfect passage or devotional or hear just the right song at the perfect time that I need to hear it's message, I give God credit, and I find myself in awe of His timing and organization.

So although it's not one of the life-changing God-incidences this week for me, I did get a kick out of the fact that in the reading plan I am using to read through my bible in a year, I started the book of Hebrews this morning, and both of our verses for this week are key verses from the book of Hebrews. When I get to chapter four this week I will take greater note of the context and content, because after all, when Robert J. Morgan picked the 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart, both of these verses make the Top 20. (#s 15 & 16 to be exact.)

The two verses this week may actually make out 100 Verse Challenge feel challenging. Though I suspect both will be at least somewhat familiar to many believers. Morgan suggests the importance of reading our first verse in context. He recommends backing up and reading Hebrews 3:7-4:12, encouraging us to take particular notice of the references to rest in this passage. The verse itself is important because it is God's Word about God's Word. His break down of the verse is summed up nicely in a quote by A.T. Pierson, which says: The Word of Christ proves itself to be the Word of God by its living energy and it's penetrating power.

Verse 1:

For the Word of God is living and effective and sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating as far as to divide soul, spirit, joints and marrow; it is a judge of the ideas and thoughts of the heart.
Hebrews 4:12

Our second verse comes just a few scriptures later in the 4th chapter of Hebrews. It's a verse about prayer. Morgan recommends we walk through it with the 5 W's. Remember the 5 W's in school when you were working on reading comprehension? Who, what, where, why and when. Let's look at the verse and then walk briefly through the questions to break down the verse.

Verse 2:

Therefore let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us at the proper time.
Hebrews 4:16

The break down: Who? "Let us..." What? Prayer is approaching God, ...let us approach... Where? ...the throne of grace... Why? ...so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us... And finally, When? ...at the proper time.

"At the proper time," in our modern language we might use the term "in the nick of time." It's full circle here, God's timing is perfect. Whether it be in the moment of need, or the need of escape for temptation, a timely word or encouragement, God's timing is in fact perfect. I'm telling you, I'd give anything for a glimpse at His day planner, and even more for His gift for planning it. At least I can say I am happy to benefit from it.

God, In My Pocket

2011-10-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that the month of October is almost over. 2011 has gone by so quickly. In some ways it feels as though it has gone in a blink of an eye, but as I sit and look over the challenges and changes we have faced, things that happened only months ago feel like years.

I started 2011 with two goals: I wanted to read through my entire Bible in a year; and I wanted to journal to the Lord every day. 2010 was such a difficult year for me spiritually, and in some ways a defining one, because never were my faith and character more challenged than during that year. It was just over a year ago now when I had my "come to Jesus" moment and realized I had to decide who I was and what I believed. And in the end, I knew I had to seek the Lord with a renewed passion and purpose. I didn't wait till the New Year to do that, but I knew I had to enter 2011 with a resolve.

The Bible reading has remained solidly consistent. I know it has to be Holy Spirit powered, because honestly, like a fast or an oath, certain things don't get accomplished through sheer willpower, not in the spiritual realm of things anyway. It hasn't always been easy though, and often I have had to try to break the tendency towards my reading becoming just a check on my "to do" list. I have to stop and remind myself often that the Word IS God. It's not just reading, it's relational. And when it becomes just reading, it isn't being done right. (But some books of the Bible, quite honestly, are just harder than others.)

The journaling commitment has not held up as well as the reading. When I write in my journal, it's not your typical diary style keeping, it's not even writing with an awareness that God is somehow peeking over my shoulder. I guess the best thing I could compare it to would be taking two tin cans and tying them by the string, making a makeshift telephone like we did as kids. I think it's a good metaphor because although as I write to God, and I try to listen to hear what He says in return, the message doesn't always come across clearly. And likewise I often find myself struggling to speak my own heart clearly. Someday when I am dead and gone and my children find my journals they will find the deepest and darkest places of their mother, pride to humility, hope to pain, anger to love, all poured out. And because it is deep, and intimate, there are times when I don't have the strength or desire to go there with the Lord. And so I don't. I break my promise, and I stay away, those are often the days I struggle most with my reading being a check mark.

I did a great study over the summer, "Becoming a Woman of Freedom." It many ways I think that title was prophetic, though I didn't realize it when I started it. I don't think the prophecy has come to full fruition, but leaps and bounds have been accomplished. I'm doing another study now, called "Duty or Delight," and without intention, it has turned out to be the perfect continuation of the summer study. God has continued to stretch and grow, stripping and healing, refining and redirecting. But the process of growth can be painful.

I remember when my middle son was little and he would cry at night with pain in his legs. The growing pains he suffered hindered his rest. I've been mindful of the fact that spiritually speaking, "growing pains" don't rob you of rest, but they do weary you at times. Only in God's hand can you find the underlying peace in a storm, and rest in weariness. And that is very much how I have been feeling this past year, and in particular the past couple months. There has been a lot of change and a lot of loss, and sometimes I feel extremely lonely in it, except for the fact that God, Himself, feels very near.

I came across a verse in the current "Duty or Delight" study that has really become an anchor for this season. Isaiah 30:15 says, This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it."

The Lord is speaking to the nation of Israel in the midst of (one of their) rebellion(s) against Him.

"...but you would have none of it."

That was me, not much more than a year ago. I was going to do things my own way without counting the cost. I was silencing the Lord's voice, and His Spirit's conviction. I thought I knew better, and then I came to my senses. And so I look at this verse and I see, I don't want to be that person. I want to be the one who believes what God has said here:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..."

Repentance has been ongoing, rest is a reality from the Lord, I am grateful to say, I do know He is trustworthy, and I do trust. BUT... Quiet isn't always easy for me. But I am working on it. I am finding something about the moment- the moment where instead of moving and speaking, even barreling ahead that I just stop, quiet: God is in that moment, and just like He promised, strength is found there too.

In our study this week we were advised to write on a stone one of the characteristics of God that really spoke to us. Because of what I was learning about the truth of this scripture, the best attribute I could come up with was "Present," so I wrote that on one side and the scripture reference on the other. As I have at times carried this stone with me, it has more than once been a reminder to me to stop and be quiet before the Lord. Moving and feeling the weight of the stone in my pocket, God has established again his truth in my heart, and revealed Himself there and with me, in the moment, very present, very real, very much my God. When the stone has not been there, even it's absence has been the reminder to stop in the struggles and find my strength in quietness before Him, wherever I am.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Psalm 46:1

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Matthew 28:20b

100 Verse Challenge - Week 7

2011-10-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

In the commentary regarding this week's verses, Robert J. Morgan shares some seriously disturbing statistics about the future of evangelical Christianity. His numbers include an expectation that by the year 2050 Southern Baptists expect there denomination to have been reduced by 1/2 if current trends continue. And by the same year, Anglicans in England expect a reduction of 90%! NINETY percent!

Morgan goes on to tell us, in 100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart that the most alarming statistics are regarding teenagers and young adults. It seems that young people are leaving the church and their faith in masses after graduating high school. As the mom of a senior in high school, I find these statistics terrifying.

Morgan goes on to share the importance of modeling real and vibrant faith to our children. They need to see us living what we preach, and we need to model a love for God's Word that will hopefully inspire the same in our children, and counter the risk to them of becoming another fallen away statistic. Watching my own son struggle with life these last few months, I have never been more aware how real the risk is.

The Bible promises us in the Book of Isaiah that God's Word never returns void to Him, but always accomplishes God's purpose. It is surely God's purpose to anchor our children in their faith and in the Truth. It is the utmost importance, therefore, just as we care for and feed our children's physical bodies, we must also feed their spirits to strengthen them with the Bread of Life. And that is the exhortation of this weeks verses:

These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house, and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7

I want to encourage those of you participating in the Challenge, we are on the right path for doing this! Continue to learn and meditate on God's Word, speak it, and also speak of it. Press on in this Challenge, and involve your children, physical and spiritual in nature. Let's continue the efforts to equip ourselves and those around us to do something to counter the downward trend of Christianity.

Feelings

2011-10-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

I'm not a fan of feelings. I have them, I know they are God-given (and I am certain with good purpose) but I don't like the expression of them. If I let them out it is more natural for me to let out the harsher feelings than the tender ones. I can't stand to let anyone to see me cry, and I don't like to cry for that matter. Fact is when tears make their way out it is usually out of frustration or anger, rarely out of sadness.

Compassion for me is something I think more in my mind than I feel in my heart. The older I get, the more I find that to be the case, even the days of getting choked up at heart string pulling movies is past. I am more comfortable in my head than I am in my heart. I would rather rationalize than feel. I would rather plot out than tear up.

I don't like feelings, but I do have them. And I cannot stand to feel at the mercy of them.

Today I do not feel good.

I don't mean in the physical sense, if only that were the case. A nap and a bowl of warm soup often rectifies that kind of feeling. But the struggle I have today isn't in my body, it's in my heart, and my mind keeps trying to rise up and bring clarity to my feelings, but it keeps getting shoved back, and when my feelings get in control like that, it's never a good thing.

Today my feelings want very much to take control, and the truth is there is a part of me that wants me to let them, come what may... but feelings can be dangerous.

Today I feel walking away

from people

from relationships

from commitments.

Today I feel like people I count as friends really aren't,

like friendships are one-sided,

like I am disregarded,

distrusted,

just plain dis'd.

Today I feel like I am insignificant,

like nothing I do has ever had any lasting impact,

like I am completely replaceable,

like my life doesn't count.

I'm not writing this because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, or so good-intentioned people will try to boost my ego, or so that those who maybe actually have contributed to my feelings can try to rectify, justify or solidify the feelings. The truth is, right now I don't feel like giving a rat about it anyway.

I told you, feelings are dangerous, and the way I feel right now, I feel like being rash and making big sweeping cuts and moves in my life even if it means leaving a wake of "bodies" behind me. That is how I honestly feel.

It makes me wonder if this is what James referred to in the Bible as being double-minded. Because when my brain takes a back seat to my heart, I certainly feel "unstable in all my ways." And yet, even in acknowledging that struggle within, part of me feels like not caring and just being rash, making moves, living with consequences.

It's how I feel.

Maybe that's why God tells the double minded to resist the devil, because these fighting feelings want to usurp the authority in my life that should belong to the Holy Spirit of God. It is the opposite of the self-control that the Bible says is a fruit of the Spirit. These feelings, corruptible as they are. resist the wisdom that God offers, even advises the double minded to ask for.

"Be sober minded" the Bible says, but right now my mind is on a contact high of whatever my feelings are focused on. And the battle to wake up and walk right wages within me.

By the grace of God, the mind eventually rises up, remembers the Word of Truth that it has hidden in the heart of itself. But right now that eventual grace seems distant, because right now I would rather silence the wisdom and succumb to how I feel.

It makes me feel like I ought to step back, reign myself in and let the storm of emotions pass, however long that might require. So maybe not all feelings are bad after all.

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.
James 4:7-9

100 Verse Challenge - Week 6

2011-10-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm super excited about this week's verses. I know the Challenge started off pretty easy, and for us at least with a lot of fervor. By week 4 the Challenge actually felt, well, challenging, and when week 5 was a light week and an opportunity to catch up, it also kind of felt like a week to slack off. I got the verse from week 5 down, but really not until yesterday. And then today I sat and read our verses for the new week, and the timing of them feels perfect. The perfect scriptures to remind me, and hopefully all of you exactly why we are doing this!

I'm excited about this week's TWO scriptures. Consider them confident "atta boy's" or "atta girl's" - there is GREAT purpose in why we are pursuing God's Word and hiding it in our hearts. So here we go, are you ready for the good news about learning and memorizing the Good News?

First scripture:

This book of instruction must not depart from your mouth; you are to recite it day and night, so that you may carefully observe everything written in it. For then you will prosper and succeed in whatever you do. Joshua 1:8

I love this passage- clear instruction, 3 parts; with a promise, doubled It's simple, and yet so very profound.

Robert J. Morgan clarifies this verse for us in his book "100 Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart":

The Instruction:

(1) Don't let the word depart from your mouth: Speak it, read it, repeat it, hear it.

(2) Meditate on it day and night. Morgan tells us the original Hebrew word used here came from the word for "to mutter," imagine yourself continually speaking the Word of God to yourself and establishing it into your own heart.

(3) And after you have done these things, observe it. More simply said, OBEY. (OK, I realize it's not always that simple, but you get my drift.)

The Promise:

I'm excited because the promise in this verse is two fold: Prosperity and success. Now, I am by no means a "name it and claim it" Christian. But I do believe that in God's view point, if we put into practice His word, have it in our hearts and are obeying it, then surely we will be prosperous and successful in His kingdom.

Our next scripture for week 6 is one of my favorites. I love all of Psalm 119, God's Word about God's Word. Verse 11 is one I like to remind myself and my children of often. It's a simple truth that when put into practice, has a profound effect.

Second verse:

I have treasured Your word in my heart so that I may not sin against You. Psalm 119:11

This verse is an example of what I like to refer to as "kingdom math," the if/then passages of scripture. It's like simple mathematics, the basics of faith. 1 + 1 = 2 scripture. And the math here is simple, if you increase the Word you decrease the sin. The more of the Word you have, the less room there is for the corruptible.

Morgan shares a great D.L. Moody quote at the end of his expounding on Psalm 119:11 that is a great way to end this week's blog post: "Sin will keep us from the Bible, or the Bible will keep us from sin." Maybe this could be consider kingdom economics, but whatever way you might like to label it, in the end, the message is clear, if you're participating with us on this Challenge and learning these verses, your on your way to fulfilling the premises to some wonderful promises! And if you're new here, it's not too late to join! Click on The Challenge to RSVP now.

100 Verse Challenge - Week 5

2011-10-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

We are at week 5! And by the end of it, we will have completed the first ten percent of our ultimate goal. I think that is very exciting! I'm proud of my hubby and kids for their efforts, and I am excited about building my own arsenal of scripture. I know arsenal might be a funny choice of word, but let's face it, the scripture is our offensive weapon for taking ground from the enemy. What an awesome truth! It really is a perfect weapon, and why wouldn't it be? Look who the "Designer" is!

This week we are learning the first of the verses in the section of Robert J. Morgan's book 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart that is titled "Listening: The Word of God and Prayer."

The "address" of the single scripture we are learning this week is familiar, but the street is different. But Morgan points out many similarities between John 3:16 that we learned during week two, and 2 Timothy 3:16 that we will be working on this week:

All Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, for rebuking, for correcting, for training in righteousness."

I'd just like to note a couple of the similarities between the two verses that Morgan draws, John 3:16 referring to our Savior and 2 Timothy 3:16 referring to the Scripture.

- The two, Savior And Scripture comprise the two greatest gifts ever bestowed upon mankind.

- Both Savior and Scripture are referred to as "The Word."

- Both are "utterly unique," Jesus was like no other man, and the Bible is like no other book.

- And as the Savior was without sin, so the Scriptures are without error (Holy Spirit inspired.)

There are more, and there are deeper insights as well as a list of "3:16's" in the Bible that are significant, which is why I highly recommend the book that goes along with our Challenge. But I would remind you it is not required to participate. If you haven't signed up it really isn't too late. Even if you can't catch up, we still have 90% of our challenge ahead. (91 if you count this week!)

There is only one verse this week and I highly recommend if you are behind at all from the previous weeks verses, it would be a great time to devote a little effort to getting caught up. I personally get more and more excited each day as I continue to hide more of the Word in my heat. It's kind of exciting to thin I have already learned the "Fantastic Four" and the "Roman Road" so far in just about a month's time.

I am listing our previous verses below for those who do need to either catch up or who want to see where we have been so far on our Challenge.

Beginnings: The Bible's Fantastic Four:

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. - Genesis 1:1

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. - John 1:1

"The Word became flesh and took up residence among us. We observed His glory, the glory as the One and Only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1:14 CSB (Holman Christian Standard Version)

"For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 CSB

The Roman Road: The Plan of Salvation

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us! Romans 5:8

If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. With the heart one believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth one confesses, resulting in salvation. Romans 10:9-10

And our "bonus verse" that completes the Roman Road but isn't "technically" one of the 100:

For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. Romans 10:13

If you are like me and can look at most of what we have done so far and know if you can't necessarily quote every word verbatim, but at least know the principles and truth have been hidden in your heart, be excited! Or even better if you can quote them, aren't you thrilled at the strength your "arsenal" has gained? I am proud of every one of you who is here with me even giving it a tribe! Let's keep up the good work and get busy working on our new verse for this week!

"180" - I DARE YOU TO WATCH

2011-10-03T19:31:00.000-07:00

I have never hesitated to share my pro-life viewpoints here on this blog. You can click here if you want to see more of that.

Below is a powerful and thought provoking movie. It's not short, but it is worth your time to watch. I don't share this in a judgmental fashion. I am pro-life, I am a woman who has had an abortion, and I am an adoptive mom. All of these factors are reasons for my pro-life stand.

Please, watch this movie. In fact, I dare you to.

100 Verse Challenge - Week 4

2011-10-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

So, I'm not sure who's still here and particpating in the 100 Verse Challenge, but my family and I are still working together to learn our verses every week. The first two weeks went really well and were pretty much on the easy side. Week three with it's extra verse was a little more challenging. As we learned the first three steps on "the Roman Road," we found the first two verses relatively easy, but the third gave us a little more challenge. In all honesty, I think we may have to give it a little more attention this week to commit it completely to memory. But we will do it, it's worth the effort.

"The Roman Road" has three remaining verses on it, but only two of them are on the actual 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart list. So, I'm providing your verses this week with the two actual memory verses and a "bonus" verse for the final step on the Roman Road

This week's memory verses are consecutive in the bible, so honestly I recommend you memorize "them" as one verse, but I am listing them separately, because I think the break down may be required for me and mine to get them all in our heads, and more importantly our hearts. So are you ready for this week's verses? Because here they are:

First verse:

If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9

Second verse:

With the heart one believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth one confesses, resulting in salvation. Romans 10:10

These verses are written in what Morgan refers to as an ABBA pattern. Mouth, heart; heart, mouth - do you see it? Something to keep in mind to help you learn the verses together: mouth confesses, heart believes; heart believes, mouth confesses. Now fill in the rest of the good stuff.

And your "Bonus verse" for all you overachievers, Type A personalities or rule followers like me (feels like a rule to learn the whole "Roman Road:):

For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. Romans 10:13

Now that really doesn't look so hard does it? Totally worth ending week four with a sense of accomplishment by learning your bonus verse! I believe in you!

On another note, I highly recommend another assignment for you this week. Get out to a movie theater and see the new movie Courageous. It's a terrific faith-based film that just came out in theaters this weekend by the same company that produced Facing the Giants and Fireproof. Every production seems to get better and better. And the fact is, if folks don't support positive media, they won't keep making it. I saw it twice this weekend, and it was so worth the time to see! I recommend you do too! But start working on your new verses first! If you'd like to see the trailer, click here.

Who I Want to Be

2011-09-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

Who I want to be is someone who can be counted on.

I want my friends to say, "she was there through thick and thin," and I want my children to never have to question my word. "If mom said it, she'll do it." I want that to be the confidence of their heart.

Who I want to be is someone who is honest.

I want to be a person of integrity. I want someone to feel like they never have to question my character. I want people to say "You can believe Diana, if she said it had to be true."

Who I want to be is a person who loves.

I want people to know that I love them and accept them unconditionally, even when I disagree with them wholeheartedly. I want my kids to know no matter how bad they screw up, I will love them still. And I want my friends to know that even though I may say things they don't want to hear, our ability to agree to disagree is assurance for them even if we don't see eye to eye, I don't reject them.

Who I want to be is a person who encourages.

I want to be someone who sees the best in others and encourages them in their gifts and talents and cheers them on even when they are being stretched beyond their limitations. I want to be someone who recognizes gifts and beauty in others and not only sees it but acknowledges it.

Who I want to be is a person of faith.

I want to be a woman who always takes God at His word, and believes Him for all His promises, even when times are hard and things are tough. I want to be a woman who trusts confidently in the character of her God, and a woman who stands firm on His word.

Who I want to be is a person of hope.

I want ot be a person who looks at the future and sees all the potential it holds. I want to be a woman who lives in expectation of God's blessings and goodness.

Who I want to be is a reflection.

I want to reflect the love and hope and potential of the God I serve. I want to reflect the acceptance and grace of the Savior Who died for me. When people look at me, I want them to continually see less of me, and more of my Jesus.

I am not the person who I want to be, but I hope I am more like her today than I was yesterday, and I hope tomorrow the reflection and the resemblance to her will be even stronger.

I am grateful that the Lord is the one who will bring those things about, and that He alone is faithful to finish the good work he has begun.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

1 Corinthians 13:11-12

100 Verse Challenge - Week 3

2011-09-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone in this Challenge is enjoying this adventure as much as I am. I'm getting a real kick out of learning new scriptures, and reading Robert J. Morgan's insights about the verses. I highly recommend the book 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart. HOWEVER, the book isn't necessary to participate. And if you want to learn a lot of scripture along with me and a couple hundred other hungry folk, you can RSVP on Facebook or follow along here and join in the fun.

The first two weeks we covered the "Four Corners" of our faith. And you can click back to Week 1 and/or Week 2 if you need to catch up. Or you can jump in now as we continue on and start down what Morgan refers to as "The Roman Road."

"The Roman Road" Morgan tells us "is one of the most effective presentations for people who have heard the message (of the gospel) but need to see it in black and white." It's an encapsulation of the whole Bible, a clear concise expression of God's plan of salvation. Once you have these verses down, you are in essence "fully equipped" to share the Good News.

I warned you in the beginning that there may be a few weeks where we had an extra verse to learn in a giving week. This is one of those weeks, we have three verses for week three. But I think you will find them short, and for some of you they may be familiar again. (Isn't it kind of exciting to realize you already know some of the verses that you "should"?

So here we go, week three's 3 verses:

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

Only one person has ever been without sin and remained that way, and this verse is the statement of "why" behind our need for Him as Savior.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

Death is what we've earned, but eternal life is the gift God has freely offered in His Son. Morgan reminds us of the word picture many have seen with us in our sin on one side and God and the gift unreachable on the other. He reminds us that only Christ's cross can serve as the bridge between the two.

But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us! Romans 5:8

Personally I love that this scripture ends in an exclamation point, and as I learn it with my kids this week my intention is to speak it with that force. This is exciting news! Christ died for me! I have said often, "He loved us at our worst first." And too often as believers we get bogged down in our "ought to's and should's" and buy into the lie that if we are falling short, God somehow loves us less. So not so. So not so!

On that note, I want to say a little something about the Challenge. There's been a lot of discussion about the "right" way to do the Challenge. Can I just say one more time? This Challenge is what you make of it. There is no wrong way to do it. Some people are adamant that they want to learn it in their own versions. More power to you! If that works for you, great! The point it getting it. I have people who if they know a verse already they are just bypassing it. OK, great - but I would encourage you, you might be missing out, but again, so be it. I have another (English speaking) friend who is memorizing all the verses in Spanish because of her heart for outreach and missions. More power to her.

I do recommend you give time and effort to this Challenge, the more you put in, the more you get out. BUT I also say, if you only memorizing 1/10th of the list, you're still way ahead of where you would be if you hadn't even tried. So let go of your ought to's and should's and make the best of the adventure!

Get busy now, start working on week 3:

Adopted!

2011-09-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will— to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.
Ephesians 3:1-6

This passage of scripture was in my daily reading plan this morning, and it really touched my heart. It's not an unfamiliar passage to me, I have heard it probably hundreds of times, maybe even heard dozens of messages on it, but this morning, I don't know it really just struck a cord in my heart.

I have always said that for me at least, being a parent has been an awesome insight into what the heart of God is like. By no means am I successful in loving my children as perfectly and unconditionally as God loves His kids, but it is a glimpse. I do love my kids with all of my heart.

But as much as just being a "mom" shows me a little something about God's love, I have to say, having the privilege of being an adopted mom really is a revelation about God's heart for us all the more.

I think back to the 4 am phone call I received from Oklahoma that morning in February 2001. I wasn't there, my child was being born, but I was 1,300 miles away. There was just one thing to do, get to Oklahoma, and get to my son.

It took me 22 hours between the time of that first phone call and the moment I finally met Ethan. It was a harried day, getting plane tickets for Neal and I, making arrangements for a car when we got to Oklahoma, making arrangements for our older son Jacob, packing, just the actual process of getting there.

When we finally made it to Oklahoma, we were exhausted. Ethan was asleep in his birth mother's room. We said our hellos to his birth mom and her family. I held Ethan in my arms for the first time, and took in this new baby.

I'm not going to lie, Ethan was a little train wreck. He had a couple birth defects that would require surgical correction and he was covered in ugly red pustules all over his body. He was a newborn, but he wasn't cute or cuddly. In all honesty, he was kind of ugly, and definitely broken. As I held him his birth mom asked me, "I know he has a lot of problems, but are you still going to take him?" I am relieved to say that I never had a moment's thought of bailing on this little boy, but if we hadn't already made the commitment, he might have been a hard sell.

The hospital staff was very supportive and soon after we arrived they set up a room for the three of us. Neal and I took our new sleeping son and setting his bassinet between us we each climbed into separate hospital beds and tried to catch a little sleep. It must have been about an hour or so later when I heard the most pitiful bleating cry that awoke me. I got up in the darkened room and went to Ethan.

As I picked him up into my arms, something happened in that moment. I honestly can't even find the words to describe it, but it was as though something physically happened. I am the birth mother of my other two children and I loved them before I ever held them. They were a part of me from conception, but this moment, Ethan and I alone in the dark (because Neal slept through the crying), I actually felt the moment I fell in love with my son. Even now I can remember like a click in my heart, as our two lives became eternally connected.

There was nothing about this little boy that made him desirable. He was a broken mess, He had nothing to offer but had every need for me. He had come in to the world under unfortunate circumstances and he had no fault or control in his situation. He could do nothing for himself, and if someone did not rescue him from himself and his circumstance, the truth is, his future looked very bleak, hopeless even. And yet, in that moment, there was nothing I wanted more in life than to make Ethan my own.

Ethan's adoption story was long and complicated. It was the very next morning that we actually had to begin a 3 1/2 year long and difficult battle to arrive on the day when he would truly become our son legally, but that moment in the dark is when he became the son of my heart.

This is why I get this passage of scripture, and it moved my heart so deeply. You see, Jesus traveled a great distance to come after me, and he came to me in the darkness. I was a broken mess and had nothing to offer Him but ugliness and need. And in the moment that he held me, our hearts were linked together, eternally too. There's no rhyme or reason to the why of God wanting me, but He did. And all on His own, out of the love in His heart, He came to me in my need and made me a part of His family.

The other day, my kids were kind of driving me crazy. And in my typical sarcastic/ comic way, I, in exasperation, blurted out, "I'm going to disown you all!" When I said it, my daughter, who was born to me just under 10 months after that night in the hospital in Oklahoma, said from the back seat, "That's not fair! You can't disown Ethan!"

You see, one of the benefits for Ethan as my adopted child is that I have to guarantee him two things, (1) He will always belong to us, there is no undoing an adoption, unlike my other kids who can be disowned, it can never happen to my Ethan. And (2) I must guarantee Ethan an inheritance. Whatever I leave behind someday, Ethan is guaranteed his portion of it. I cannot leave him "out of the will."

Likewise, when we come to Christ, our position is secure and our inheritance is guaranteed. Though God would never blurt out the threat of disowning us if our actions were frustrating and contrary to His will, I think sometimes in our hearts, the sense of the threat tries to rise up. But be encouraged, it's not so! Our place in Christ, and all the blessings there are ours!

Although we have NOTHING to offer, and we could never find ourselves worthy, God wanted us. He made a way for us, and HE willingly adopted us into His family through Christ!

I have heard Ethan on more than one occasion tell his siblings, "She CHOSE me, she just got stuck with you." And although the truth is that I love all my children equally, there is also truth in Ethan's security that he was wanted, he was chosen, and his bond to our family runs far deeper than blood.

If you are a follower of Christ, you were bought with His blood, and you were wanted and chosen, and your bond is secure. You belong, you are ADOPTED! Never forget what that means!

100 Verse Challenge - Week 2

2011-09-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

Robert J. Morgan tells us in his book 100 Verses Everyone Should Know By Heart, that by adding these two new verse to your scripture tank, you have complete the four corners of the gospel. These first four verses tell the story of the gospel.

I hope you have your first two "tent stakes" down having already memorized Genesis 1:1 and John 1:1, our "In the beginning verses."

This week's verses share the common theme of the "One and Only Son. And our first verse actually makes reference to pitching our tent, as you study the Greek, "taking up residence" in the verse refers to "pitching a tent."

"The Word became flesh and took up residence among us. We observed His glory, the glory as the One and Only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1:14 CSB (Holman Christian Standard Version)

Morgan tells us this verse does a better job than any other in the Bible making known the incarnation of Christ. It's when Jesus came and pitched his tent to live among us, to make Himself and the Father known to us.

Our second verse is one familiar to all Christians. It's the crux of the gospel. I like the version that Morgan has chosen and I highly recommend not dismissing the verse as already in your "tank," but rather take the time and opportunity to memorize it in this version and dwell on the truth that it imparts.

Morgan shares a DL Moody hearing a sermon from a young man named Henry Moorhouse, a gambler, gang leader and thief who was converted during a revival. It was Moorhouse who Moody first heard the passage preached to relay the message, "God loves sinners. "

Morgan goes on to point out that in this verse the word GOSPEL is even spelled out. See for yourself:

"For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 CSB

Let God's Word dwell richly in your heart this week and change you.

It's not too late to join the Challenge! Click on the box at the top of the collumn on the right to RSVP today!

Pain

2011-09-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about pain a lot lately. Probably because I have been in it for so long now.

Several months ago I did something to pinch a nerve in my back. The pain is inside my left shoulder blade. Originally, it hurt the most when I was either driving my car, or sitting at my desk working (at work or at home). Can I just say? As a working mom, those were two EXTREMELY difficult times to deal with pain. Working at my desk and driving in my car are UNAVOIDABLE, and also completely necessary. Whatever the nerve is that is pinched, it also has caused a facial tick. If I raise my eyebrows, there is what feels like a fish hook in my bottom lip that causes it to quiver. How the two are related is completely beyond me, but they are.

For several months, I tried my best to work through the pain. I would shift on to one hip, sit up on one leg. In the car I would lean back like a low rider just to remove the hot stabbing pain in my back. Ideally if I could just have avoided the positions I had to be in to drive and work maybe it would have gotten better, but it wasn't an option. So for several months I suffered through.

Pain- a huge hot knife like feeling in my back and painful tingling down through my arm. I would take 15 Advil a day to suffer through. When I started getting bloody noses, I decided I better bite the bullet and go see the chiropractor so he could possibly help.

Come to find out the nerve in my back was pinched between a displaced rib and a displaced vertebrae. My doctor was a little shocked about how out of whack things were. So he aligned things back and I have since been to see him nearly a dozen times getting "adjusted."

The fact is, in many ways, things have only gotten worse. This nerve that was pinched has now been released, but the compression of it actually limited it's ability to feel the discomfort. Now this damaged nerve has to heal. And instead of the relief of circulation being cut off much of the time, blood is flowing fully to it, and it hurts all the time.

Sitting and driving still hurt. The knife is a little smaller, and the numbness has subsided considerably, but the pain is still just as intense. But now I can no longer find relief by standing up and moving around. The respite that laying down used to bring doesn't exist anymore, now I wake up and I ache constantly. The hurt is constant.

It's sort of interesting to me how when you remove the source of the pain, it didn't actually bring relief to it. I thought once the doctor adjusted me, things would get instantly better, but it just hasn't turned out to be the case.

I'm finding it not to be just the case in the situation of my back either. Heart pain can be very much the same way. Even when you remove, or move away from the source of it, the pain can linger. Sometimes it can even intensify.

I don't believe that time has the ability to heal wounds, but I do believe that sometimes time must pass for healing to take place. So I guess in both my body and my heart, though adjustments have been made, and sources of pain removed, it's a matter of time before the hurt no longer besets me.

For my body I'll take an Advil and put my salon pas pad in place. For my heart, I will say a prayer and rest in the knowledge that God is with me and for me, and will see me through.

100 Verse Challenge - Week 1

2011-09-11T17:58:00.000-07:00

Today is the day! We have finally arrived at the kickoff! We are going to spend the next year memorizing 100 verses in the Bible! Based on Robert J. Morgan's book "100 Verses Everybody Should Know by Heart." If you haven't joined the challenge, it's not too late. How can you go wrong? There is no failure in this endeavor, if you only learn 10% of the verses on the list, a "fail" on any test in the world, you will have a "win" because you will have learned 10 of God's scriptures and hidden them in your heart! Every verse you write on your heart is a treasure for your life! So it's worth the effort.

You can still head over to the event on Facebook and RSVP (click) to join, or you can just follow along here on the blog. Every Sunday evening (Lord, willing) at about 6 pm Pacific Time, I will post the scriptures we are working on for the coming week (between 1 and 3 verses, keeping corresponding verses together). I highly recommend the book, but you don't have to have it to participate. So what do you have to lose? Jump in!

The two verses for week one are the first two of what Mr. Morgan refers to as "The Fantastic Four." They are about "Beginnings," and truth be told, I suspect many of our participants will be relieved to find them very familiar, and possibly already written on your heart. If so, use them as a source of scripture meditation this week. Think upon the word of God.

Some of Mr. Morgans suggestions are to create a sing-song way of saying them, and to include the chapter and verse in your recitation. And say them out loud, A LOT! And write them down, for you visual learners, post it notes, EVERYWHERE!

My suggestion remains, involve others, learn them with your spouse, or your children, or both. Make it a competition, keep yourself accountable with a friend. Make it a goal, reward yourself when you learn every ten or so, make it fun, but as the saying goes, "JUST DO IT!" It will be AWESOME! So you've been waiting, are you ready? Here are your first two verses for week one:

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. - Genesis 1:1

Mr. Morgan refers to this verse as the "bedrock of the Bible" and says it "encompasses the totality of Truth." This verse gives us "roots" - rooted in "the glory of God whose image we bear." And it gives us "routes" Morgan says, "If we are created in God's image, we have eternal potential."

Our second verse for week 1 is:

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. - John 1:1

This verse Morgan tells us "touches" on the "mysteries at the heart of Christianity, the Trinity and the person of Jesus Christ." He goes on to say, "John 1:1 speaks of our Christ's preexistence, In the beginning was the Word; it speaks of His coexistence: And the Word was with God; and it speaks of His divine existence: And the Word was God. We cannot fully grasp these mysteries, but this verse surely gives us a glimpse into them.

I highly recommend the book, "100 Verses Everybody Should Know by Heart," and you can purchase them for yourself from Robert J. Morgan's website (click to go) and you can also find several free downloads to help you on this journey at the bottom of the page. It is also available at Amazon.com. But whether you buy the book or not, you can participate for sure! So come on, join us on this journey and grow in your own Walk of Faith....

On your mark, get set, GO! Memorize!!!!

Pilgrims

2011-09-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

We've had a hard couple of days around here.

And yesterday, after 20 years of calling one church home, we finally came to the decision, that it was time to leave.

It isn't about dramatic statements, or high intrigue drama, it isn't about anything really, other than it was just simply, time to go.

It wasn't a sudden decision, some people, perhaps many, have seen it coming for a while. But it wasn't an easy decision by any stretch of the imagination.

I recommitted my life to Christ in that church. My husband Neal got saved there. The two of us were baptized together there. All of our children were born to us while we were a part of that family. They are the connection through which God brought us Ethan, and they stood with us through many hard things.

And yet, it was just time.

Obedience isn't always easy. The truth is, it's a little how I imagine an amicable divorce would feel. They wish us well, we wish them well, but it still hurts. It still hurts our kids. There are still a thousand little things you have to grieve.

When I thought this morning about my husband and son never going on another Father Son camp out with our church, it felt a lot like someone punched me in the gut. When I see tears fill in my daughters eyes because she won't have her Wednesday night meetings with her girlfriends, it breaks my mother's heart a little. And when I wonder who will decide to reject us because of our decision, I won't lie, it frightens me. I am afraid of hurting, but even more, I am afraid of my kids being hurt.

This is my hope, that people who thought well of us two weeks ago, will still think well of us today. And I hope that people who believed that we are true believers who love and follow Christ will not question that now. I hope the address of where we worship will not change the opinions of our character and our integrity.

It's not easy. God has asked us to step out into an unknown. We don't have a church yet. We have no idea where God is calling us to. And all these past few days I have expressed to the Lord, "I don't want us to be nomads!" That was my word. Nomads. I don't want to be a wanderer.

We have some heavy things going on right now, which made the decision even a little more complicated, but when you know, you know. And when God says go, you go. But after a long meeting in our home with a trusted shepherd to help us through, I headed off to bed.

As tempting as it was not to do my daily reading, I determined that I was going to see through my promise to the Lord about reading my bible passages every day. So in my Bible that I am using for the year through read, there is commentary along side each chapter, excerpts from assorted books. And the excerpt was by Max Lucado and his book And the Angels Were Silent. It talked about how one of God's favorite words is "Come." Come you who are weary... Come you who are thirsty... Come. And it said, "God is a God who invites. God is a God who calls. God is a God who opens the door and waves his hand pointing pilgrims to a full table." And as I read that, it registered with my spirit.

The word "pilgrim" stood out to me. And I felt like the Lord was saying, that we are not in fact becoming nomads, but for a season, we are becoming pilgrims. So I had to look up the words.

nomad - 1. a member of a people or tribe that has no permanent abode but moves about from place to place, usually seasonally and often following a traditional route or circuit according to the state of the pasturage or food supply. 2. any wanderer; itinerant.

pilgrim - 1. A religious devotee who journeys to a shrine or sacred place. 2. One who embarks on a quest for something conceived of as sacred.

I felt like there was a promise for us in the difference between those two definitions. And it is what I am holding onto right now.

Yesterday when I picked V up at school and told her that our departure from our church was inevitable, she began to cry. I spoke Jeremiah 29:11 over her as we stood on her school campus and tried to comfort her. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Later when we got home, she was working on her school verse with her dad.

It was Jeremiah 29:11-12, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. I said, "Victoria! Do you see? God wants you to know that verse is for you!

This morning I asked her how she was doing. And she said, "Mom, did you hear in my verse how it said if I prayed God would listen? Well, I prayed last night he would help me fall asleep before your meeting so I wouldn't get up and bother you." And she said, "And I think just before I fell asleep, maybe, I might have heard God speak to my heart."

I asked her what she thought she heard. She said, "He said, 'I have a plan.'"

Yes, He does.

Please say a prayer for our family. Transition is hard, but God is good.

Hard Things

2011-09-05T02:22:00.000-07:00

It's nearly 3 am and I cannot sleep. My mind is heavy, my thoughts constant. It's not confusion that keeps me awake but constancy. Thought after thought is running through my mind. Overload of concerns and information keep me from closing my eyes. It's not unrest exactly, but even with the residing peace in my soul, I feel burdened.

Without deciding to, my husband and I find ourselves in the position of teaching our children hard things. As a parent I find myself teaching my children something almost all the time. But sometimes the lessons are thrust upon us and not chosen. I find myself in the midst of that.

Teaching my children that mom and dad don't always have all the answers is difficult. So many things in life have simple answers, and honestly as parents, we often make decisions in the teaching process just for the purpose of giving our kids resolution. Lots of things are "black an white" enough that you can make a choice and live with it.

Right now my children are learning that not all decisions are "black and white." They're also learning that some decisions can't be made quickly. That's hard for me. I'm the kind of person who likes to lay everything out, pros and cons below each option, at least mentally, and look at the choices and go with one. But right now, things aren't all that simple, and there really isn't anything that can be done to change that. And that is a hard thing.

"Follow your heart" is a worldly wisdom that works its way into the lives of us all. Often in easy choices it can actually be wisdom. But sometimes, like now for us, our hearts have to be removed from the decision making process. That's a hard thing to teach your child. That's a hard thing fr anyone to learn, and a really hard thing to walk out.

Sometimes in life you find yourself in limbo, and that too is a hard thing. Waiting and watching is probably a better description for the goal of where we'd like to truly be, but in all honesty, it really just feels like limbo. It's hard enough to find yourself dancing there, but teaching your children to keep the rhythm of that dance, it's a hard thing.

Suddenly, I'm remembering a ride on a catamaran when I was about 12 years old. The ride on that boat felt a lot like what life feels like these days, in flux. I remember laying down in the back of the boat, my stomach turning. I was so sick. As I sat and stared at the waves it just caused my head to spin and my tummy to turn. The truth is, as I look at so much of the things about me, I feel very much the same way.

I remember my dad coming along side me. He pointed to a large island off on the horizon. He told me, "Look at the island, whatever you do, look at what isn't moving, and not at what is." I just wanted to close my eyes, but "No," he told me, "force your eyes open and look at the island. Closing your eyes will only make it worse."

My dad was right. It was a hard thing to overcome the desire to just close my eyes to the waves around me, but when I did what he said and I focused on what was not moving, I actually started to feel better. The headache began to subside and my stomach ceased to churn. The waves were no less choppy, and the ride was no more smooth, but when I fixed my eyes, I was able to not only weather the ride, but to a degree, I even found myself able to enjoy it.

It's a hard thing to teach your kids, and to remember for yourself for that matter, that when the waves are raging and the ride feels choppy, you have to fix your eyes on what is solid and unmoving. When you cannot find your own bearings you have to focus what is secure.

It's a hard thing to teach your children to fix their eyes on Jesus and to overlook the waves they do not understand. To teach them to trust in something bigger than their minds can fully grasp.

As I am finishing this up, I just clicked over to my Facebook where a young man I know has left me a scripture to encourage me. He's spoken prophetically into my life without even realizing it. And the passage is a perfect way to end this post.

"Listen to Me, you who follow after righteousness, You who seek the Lord: Look to the rock from which you were hewn, and to the hole of the pit from which you were dug...For the Lord will comfort Zion, He will comfort her waste places; He will maker her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; Joy and gladness will be found in it, Thanksgiving and the voice of melody."
Isaiah 51:1-3

Looking to the immovable Rock. It is a hard thing, but so much harder not to.

10 DAYS...

2011-09-01T23:41:00.000-07:00

...till the Challenge begins!

Head on over to FACEBOOK(click) and RSVP to join the Challenge
and learn 100 verses in the next year!

Countdown 10 days - As We Think:

10 days until we start on this great adventure!

In his book "100 Bible Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart" Robert J. Morgan says "we are what we think, and our lives run in the direction of our thoughts. If we think angry thoughts we will be angry; if we think positive thoughts we will be positive; if we think negative thoughts we will be negative. The mind is a garden and we have to cultivate it, and we are responsible for the kind of seed we sow into the furrows of our mind." This viewpoint is based on Proverb 23:7 which says "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he."

I'm looking forward to joining on all of you in this exciting journey and renewing our hearts and minds together with the Word of God! I hope you're excited as well. Just 10 days to go! Invite and challenge your friends and family to join us on this adventure!

The Challenge

2011-08-31T17:33:00.000-07:00

This is a duplicate of the post over on the Family Blog, DePriest Days. Both sites are co-sponsoring this Challenge.

“Therefore you shall lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, that your days and the days of your children may be multiplied in the land of which the LORD swore to your fathers to give them, like the days of the heavens above the earth.
Deuteronomy 11:18-21

I've been thinking about this passage of scripture A LOT lately. I just feel like when Jake was little, and our "only" child, we just did a much better job of instructing him in God's Word and His ways. Something about two kids in ten months rattled us and we never really fully recuperated. (There's lack in the manners instruction too for that matter.)

But, the Word of God seems far more pressing. And don't get me wrong, they aren't total heathens or anything, in fact Ethan blew me away recently as he gave me a passage of scripture to pass on to a friend and he nailed the perfect passage. And all the kids have always had Christian education, so scripture is a regular part of their lives not only at church and home, but at school too. And yet, there can never be too much.

So today I came across this book: "100 Bible Verses Everyone Should Know by Heart" by Rober J. Morgan, and I was inspired. I thought to myself, what a terrific challenge! I want to memorize the 100 verses. At first I thought how cool it would be to memorize 100 verses in 100 days, and then I thought about the fact that that was a completely crazy goal, especially the first time out. So I got my wits about me and thought about the fact that there are 52 weeks in a year, so the math was close enough and reasonable enough that we could do on average 2 a week and have the whole 100 verses memorized in a year.

I'll be honest, the year thing makes me want to start at the beginning of a month or even the beginning of a year, but tomorrow is too soon and January is too far, and for that matter so is October, so I decided to blow off the Type-A organized tendency, and I'm starting on the 11th of September. (That's the eve of the first full week of school for my clan.)

So, if you know me, you also know I am a big believer in "the more the merrier" concept, so why not invite all my Christian Facebook friends... and any of their Facebook friends. And then I thought to myself, why not introduce the idea to my bloggy world peeps as well. So here is your invitation. Click HERE if you belong to Facebook to head over and join the Challenge.

Think about it. You really can't go wrong even for trying. Let's say you only complete 10%. In a test in the real world that might be an utter failure, but in this case, you've learned TEN SCRIPTURES! WIN! 10X over! And if you manage the whole 100, what a beginning that could be to a lifetime habit of learning and memorizing the Word! And you can include your family like I plan to mine and you will bless and grow your kids in the process! AWESOME!!

So I hope you'll join us. Head over, sign up and get the rest of the details.

How can a young man cleanse his way?
By taking heed according to Your word.
With my whole heart I have sought You;
Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!
Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.
Blessed are You, O LORD!
Teach me Your statutes.
Psalm 119:9-12

Heavy

2011-08-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

My heart is so heavy.

I don't even know how to write. And if you know me, you know that makes the burden so much heavier.

So many of the burdens aren't really mine, but it doesn't change the fact that they are weighing on my heart. Every where I turn, it seems I see something of concern.

Sin, injustice, woundedness, brokenness, foolishness... the list is long.

I wish there was a phone booth and a cape with my name on it. I wish I could swoop down in and rescue the hurting, wake up the foolish, and make an impact on the world around me.

But alas, I have no cape. And I don't supposed I could find a phone booth if my life depended on it. And I don't have the super powers to back up any of it.

My heart aches.

I think back to a prophesy that was spoken over me about a year ago. Part of it said, "Burdens have been placed over you, but what is heavy TO you, will not be heavy ON you."

Right now, it all feels heavy ON me.

Other people's secrets.

Other people's sins.

Other people's offenses.

Other people's hurt.

Other people's fear.

Other people's anger.

Other people's problems.

I am NOT an intercessor. But I am doing my best to take the weights I feel and lay them at the foot of the cross.

I'm doing my best not to let righteous indignation rule.

I'm doing my best to remember we are ALL sinners saved by grace.

And I'm doing my best to hold up under the weight of silence.

God sees what I don't see. He knows what I don't know. He has the strength to not only lift, but to carry the weight that feels so very heavy on my heart.

Heavy

I feel so heavy laden,
Father help me let go;
Of things I don't understand,
Things I cannot know.

Remind my of Your Truth,
Help me trust again;
Remembering Your love,
Remembering my Friend.

I'm growing so tired,
Father lift the weight;
Be the Lord of all,
Set my focus straight.

Taking on so much,
No burden is mine to bear;
You're willing to take it all,
Just because You care.

And not just for me,
But for all those that I love;
So take over all the burdens,
Work them out from up above.

And help me find the rest,
That only in You is found;
And I can feel light,
Not anchored to the ground.

You bid me "Come,"
And so now I choose to do,
I give You all these burdens,
In exchange for more of You.

By Diana DePriest
© August 28, 2011

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11:28-29

Transition

2011-08-20T01:09:00.001-07:00

I remember when I was in labor with my kids.

I remember the pain. I remember the contractions. I remember how they increased in pain and intensity. I remember when they got closer and closer together.

Then I remember the lull.

Transition.

There was a phase between the pain and the pushing when everything just seemed to be still.

It wasn't long. After the pain came the pushing.

Spiritually speaking, I feel like I am in transition.

I want to write, but I don't have anything to say.

I feel like I have labored here. I have poured out my self and poured it into this blog. Like actual labor, sometimes it feels just like pain and effort without a purpose. I can't see any progress or effect, I don't know if it is accomplishing anything, but I press through, ride it out. I hope it's effective, but whether it is or not, I just hang on, because there is no other option.

Spiritually speaking I feel like I am in the lull. The pushing and production are ahead, but for now, I wait. Everything is still.

I want to write, but I have nothing to say.

I'm weary from the efforts.

I can only hope that there is a birth up ahead.

Like as I awaited the arrival of my children, I find myself wondering.

What will it look like?

What will it be?

I don't know, but I long to.

I'm waiting for the moment...

When the lull is over...

And I know I can wait no longer...

It has to be birthed...

And it is finally time to push.

In Jesus' name....

I Can Sing

2011-08-08T17:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning at church, after worship, the older gentleman seated in front of me turned around and asked me, "Are you from the south?" I assumed Southern California didn't count, so I said "No, but he is," pointing at Neal. To which he replied, pointing towards his throat, "You have a really wide range. It's nice."

Yes, it's a well kept secret that I can sing. I can carry a tune pretty well, and I know I can sing both high and low. I know I can sing because other people have told me so. A woman at my friend's retreat told me in April, "I could sit next to you and listen to you sing for hours." And my neighbor one night was over and asked if we could sing some worship while we were praying together and then said, "Wow, you can sing." And even one morning while Neal was hurriedly getting ready to play drums as an emergency last minute substitute, as I was trying to help him get the list figured out, I was talking to the head of our worship ministry and singing the songs to make sure I could help Neal figure out which song he was going to have to play. She said, "Wow, you can sing, like worship team sing."

The truth is though, it's not my gift. When the gentleman on Sunday said "You have a wide range," I replied, "Yeah, I have a hard time finding where I'm supposed to be." And the truth is, when it comes to singing I fumble around quite a bit. A friend of mine who is extremely gifted in worship used to sing with me in the car on occasion and once I remember her stopping and just staring at me in frustration. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "You keep switching keys on me!"

The truth is, I don't even fully understand what that means. I get the gist, but I don't understand it well enough to not fumble around and bounce from low to high and back to low again. She'd do her best to help me understand it, but I'd just smile as pretty as possible and nod, really not having a clue, knowing it didn't matter, because God never called me to stand on a stage to sing.

When I sing, it's a sacrifice of praise. Sometimes it's beautiful and even gets a good response from others. (Please note, I am by no means being prideful about my ability to sing, as many times as I have "lifted my voice" in praise, the percentage of notable response is small.) But often no one is impressed or even noting my efforts at all. No one that is except the Lord. And I know for a fact that the Lord's attention isn't at all focused on the key of my singing, so much as He is the heart behind it.

As the gentleman turned back around and I sat down, that's the thought that occurred to me. As much as I like the idea of being thought of as "a good singer," if the only reason I did it was for the recognition of others it wouldn't be an offering to the Lord at all. But on the contrary, if my voice cracks and struggles as I try to find the right "key" with a heart of worship towards the Lord, then it's value is eternal.

This truth applies far beyond me and my singing. It's true of any act we do in the name of the Lord. Teach, preach, serve, sing, what is sustaining and stands is more about the heart behind it than the perfection of the effort. I think someday when we all get to heaven, I suspect we will find that things we thought were treasures for God will turn out to have been straw, and likewise things that we never thought really counted for much at all stood as strength in the big picture, and in the work of the Lord.

And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.
Colossians 3:23-24

For we are God’s fellow workers; you are God’s field, you are God’s building. According to the grace of God which was given to me, as a wise master builder I have laid the foundation, and another builds on it. But let each one take heed how he builds on it. For no other foundation can anyone lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each one’s work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one’s work, of what sort it is. If anyone’s work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone’s work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire.
1 Corinthians 3:9-15

Cast Aside

2011-08-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

The Bible describes our Christian life as a race. When I think about the reality of running an actual race, I am defeated from the thought process. I have not taken care of my body the way that I should. A year and a half ago when I felt in the best physical condition I had in a very long time, I remember surprising myself at Disneyland when I was able to run and do a decent job of keeping up with my kids. I was 30 lbs. lighter and conditioning my body daily. I probably couldn't have run a a marathon, but I could at least run a good solid sprint.

Today I have put the weight back on and I am suffering several injuries that are hindering me from even being able to get back on track. A pinched nerve in my back for months has developed into pain from the middle of of my back all the way up into the top of my neck. It's constant. An ankle injury that won't fully seem to heal still plagues me and favoring it has caused issues in both my knees and my hip. I couldn't run a physical race if I wanted to. If I tried I might just do even more harm.

Sometimes that sort of thing happens to us in the spiritual lives as well. An old injury plagues and hinders us in other capacities. A constant source of discomfort or pain comes upon us and the persistent hurt keeps us from even wanting to move, and completely saps us of any desire to actually aspire.

Physically I find myself at an impasse. I need to lose weight to be able to get moving to regain my strength. Without the ability to get moving and get exercise, the ability to lose weight is greatly hindered. Even if I change my eating habits, cut back, etc., I am likely to lose not only weight but the small amount of muscle mass I have. It is a defeating purpose. Yes, I can and should try to press through the pain toward some semblance of accomplishment, but there are limits, and lots of them.

Thankfully this isn't the case spiritually. There is an immediate solution to the burden of weight that hinders me. Unlike the months of effort and restraint that it would require to take off the weight, spiritually it is done with a single simple motion.

...let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us... Hebrews 12:1

Psalm 55:22 says it this way: Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you...

I remember on one of my many downward falls in physical weight, how I was teasing a pregnant friend. She would compliment me on my weight loss and I would thank her for being pregnant so there was a safe place for the weight to be found. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could just walk up to some skinny underweight girls and bump into her and provide for her lack with my abundance. I would be dancing down the halls of life hip bumping all sorts of skinny women and kids. But it's not like that physically. Yet spiritually, it is.

The Lord says, "give it to Me. I will not only take your weight, but I will give you My strength." What a great deal! He'll willing take my weight, my heaviness and my injuries as well, and bring strength and wholeness where there is infirmity... if I will let Him.

Reality is, I know this task is not as simple to walk out as I have made it sound. Too often in stubbornness or perhaps ignorance, we hold onto our burdens and our hurts and we in a total lack of faith don't even try to give them up. We are comfortable with the familiar, or frightened by the unknown, worst case scenario, sometimes we even define ourselves with our injuries and weights.

"I'm the woman with fibromyalgia of the spirit," if you will. Instead of being a person fighting an affliction, the risk is becoming a person defined by it.

I find myself at a crossroads. Physically I am concerned with becoming the woman with back problems with a long list of "can't do's," but even more, spiritually speaking, I am concerned with becoming a person defined by her hurts and her heaviness. Depression looms and discouragement sits on the sidelines of my life calling out. The easy thing to do would be to decide to define myself by those things, but something deep inside continues to resist.

There is a Truth that reigns inside me that says, "CAST!" Cast your burdens, your cares, your hurts, your fears! Jesus says, "Cast them on Me! I came so you would, I died so you could." And the beautiful thing is that when we do, we can finally be defined by the only Truth that should define us. And instead of hindrances, all these weights and burdens we carry become tools to be used in the process of becoming who we were always meant to be.

There is no wisdom wallowing in the hard stuff and the hurts, but there is nothing more wise than being obedient to the One who not only designed this whole "race" but designed the runner as well. I have no illusion that the application is simple, but I have full confidence that the process is, because God says it is. I CAN cast these things that weigh me down heavily upon Him, if I want to. I just have to want to badly enough. I have to want to run.

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2

Battling Bitterness

2011-07-30T00:54:00.001-07:00

When I was in the 6th grade, I remember a lesson that we had about the 5 senses. We sat outside on the grass near the basketball courts and our teacher was talking about taste. He held out a plate with chocolate on it and all of us took a piece gladly. Waiting till he told us to take a bite, when the moment came, for half of us, what we got was far different than what we expected.

Popping the chocolate in my mouth I tasted nothing for a second, and then as I began to chew, my mouth filled with bitterness. I'd been fooled, I hadn't been given regular chocolate, it was baker's chocolate, and it was awful! Half the class made sounds of spitting and gagging, over the sound of my own spitting and gagging, I heard the "distaste" of several of my peers as well. The rest of kids, who got the good old fashioned milk chocolate, just stared at us in confusion.

What I remember most was that even after I spit all the chocolate out of my mouth, the nasty taste remained. That's the thing about bitterness, it lingers, sometimes long after it's cause is gone.

The week we were studying about laying aside bitterness in the Becoming a Woman of Freedom bible study, I asked Neal to build me a cross. I also asked him to buy me a big bag of rocks. The night we all met for study I used both props to share what the Lord had been showing me about needing to lay our hurts and offenses at the foot of the cross. That night I carried the very heavy bag of "offenses" and my cross back to my can and brought it home.

Late that night, I felt the Lord draw me out to my car to unpack it, and that's when He used the same props to speak to me. I knew I was supposed to set up the cross and the rocks somewhere here at home to serve as a reminder. As I stood in my yard after midnight, rocks and cross by my side, I looked for a proper place to set it up, finally the planter in the center of my yard seemed like the ideal place.

I set the cross down, and began to unpack the rocks. Too heavy to lift the bag up into the planter to pour them out, I began to unpack them one by one. It took quite a while, and as I unloaded the offenses, I talked to the Lord. I asked for help to be a woman of forgiveness. I prayed for help to heal from hurts that had been done to me. I begged the Lord to help me be quick to lay offenses at His cross so as not to let a bitter root even begin. Eventually I just found myself thanking and praising Him for even allowing me the privilege to come to the foot of His cross and find health and wholeness there.

When I finished laying all the rocks around the bottom of the cross, I noticed how similar it looked like a grave. I prayed the Lord would help me keep bitterness and unforgiveness there. As I stood up I realized where the Lord had impressed upon me to plant the cross, it was beneath our olive tree. The olive tree, which represents both victory and peace. I knew it wasn't an accident.

There is both victory and peace in the decision to let God be sovereign, even over our hurts and offenses. If I choose to hold my offense, it is the same as saying that God can not be trusted to bring good of it. The truth is, all that holding on to it does is weigh me down.

Later that week our assignment for bible study was to spend quiet time alone with the Lord. We were just supposed to sit quietly in His presence, resting, and listening for the voice of the Lord should He choose to speak. On this particular day sitting on the curb across the street from my house, I was having a hard time laying some of the offenses I'd been feeling at the foot of the cross. I was holding on to them, not trusting the Lord. As I sat dwelling on hurts I felt at the hands of other believers, I heard the Lord speak to my heart.

He said, "You're right." And I bolstered in the pause. Then I heard Him say, "Because of what Jesus did on the cross." I felt the wind leave my self-righteous sail a little, but He wasn't finished, and then He said, "And because of what Jesus did, so are they." It pierced to the core of my heart. The realization that offenses are settled in the body of Christ because of what Jesus did on the cross. I find not only forgiveness there, but I also rightly surrender my right to justice. If my idea of justice can only be played out in some real time validation, then I have lost sight of exactly what happened at Calvary. Jesus died once and for all. So if my sins are covered in his blood, so are the sins of those of His kids who have offended me, and likewise, if there is no grace for their sins, neither is there grace for mine.

As I walked back up to my doorway, I stopped momentarily at the cross by my olive tree, symbolically I tossed the imaginary rocks that represented my hurts at the foot of my little cross. The thing is, this was one little victory, one battle won in the war that lasts a lifetime as a follower of Christ. Today I found out someone very dear and close to me had been talking about me behind my back. It's actually the second time I have heard something like that in the week's since we began the chapter on forgiveness. This time though they really hit me where I lived, calling me a bad mom and tearing down my kids. I spent some time being wounded and hurt tonight before I realized I needed to go and sit at the Father's feet.

The Lord showed me that what had been spoken had been overflow out of a bitter heart. Bitterness begets bitterness. The conversations that had been had and the root of the attacks came out of a bitterness that didn't even have anything to do with me. And the Lord showed me, I had a choice to make. Would I let that person's bitterness infect my own heart, or would I choose to go back to the place of victory and peace.

It wasn't an easy offense to lay down, but I responded to the lie with Truth. The Truth is that even if I am not the perfect mom, I am loved and accepted by my heavenly Father. The truth is that my sin is covered, and if I believe in God's sovereignty, I have to let Him cover the sin of this offense as well. What I found was that the best way to do that was to change my focus.

I took my eyes off of myself, and off of my hurt feelings. I took my eyes off of the offender and the hurtful words they'd spoken over me. I took my eyes off of all the imperfect and looked firmly at the Lord. I gave Him the offense and my hurt, knowing and trusting that His pierced hands can be trusted with my wounded heart. He is sovereign and He has promised. He can be trusted, so that's what I decided to do, to trust the One who loved me enough to cover all my sins.

Becoming Free (Part 1) - Knots

2011-07-28T00:31:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks of our Bible study Becoming a Woman of Freedom, the study has really lived up to its word. I have felt myself moving into freedom in some really challenging areas in my life.

The last two weeks of study have been about Forgiveness and laying aside bitterness, and then Rest, laying aside busyness.

As I spent the week studying about forgiveness and and preparing for our meeting to discuss the chapter, God and I did a lot of talking about forgiveness and bitterness, and anger too. By the time the day came for our meeting, God had given me several word pictures to share with the ladies about what the Lord was speaking to me about.

I spent the week talking to the Lord about offenses. We've all experienced them, from both sides even. We have all been offended and we have all been offenders.

I spent several evenings that week with a ball full of yarn. Each night I slowly unwound the yarn, tying knots in it, one after another. By the end of the week I had pulled out about a third of the of the yarn and had it tangled and tied into a mess of knots. As I held it in my hands, I realized there really was no way to untangle it. Truth be told, knots were on top of knots and you couldn't even separate one from another. Each knot was so tight and some of them were so close together, there was just no way to rectify the problem.

By Monday afternoon, a few hours before our meeting, the Lord had spoken volumes to me about this ball of yarn. He showed me several things:

(1) The knots in the yarn represented offenses. Sometimes one offense leads to another. Offended people are easily offended.

(2) The tangle represented the bitterness. The knots took on a life of their own, and bitterness allowed them to get so twisted up, the yarn had become useless.

(3) He showed me that sometimes you have to just make a clean break and and try to salvage what remains.

He also showed me where this hands on example applied to a real situation in my own life.

I had someone special to me who I felt betrayed and abandoned by. I was hurt, I was offended. And what did start as one offense, him not being a good steward of friendship, my reaction to it caused that one offense to become the cause of several more, because a perceived offense is in fact an offense, because it is defined by the one who is offended. But like I said, offended people are easily offended.

As my bitterness developed, Something happened. I allowed myself to go from being the offended to the offender. Although I didn't start the damage to the friendship, I completely exacerbated it. Little knots that could possibly have become easily undone became a knotted mess because I was angry and eventually bitter. I became a knotted mess, our relationship became damaged and tangled, useless.

This revelation led to a phone exchange with my friend. I apologized for being so angry for so long. And his response was relief. I asked for forgiveness for my bitterness and what I received was grace. My friend seemed genuinely happy to hear from me, ready to forgive me, and willing to make a fresh start.

Truthfully, the relationship won't ever be what it was. When the "yarn" is cut, and all the knots are removed, the ball that remains isn't what it once was. There is a loss, however, there is also a restored potential for what remains of the yarn to become. Restoration begins, hope is renewed, and life can move forward with healthy potential.

When I "cut the yarn" on the phone that afternoon I told my friend he didn't have to be uncomfortable around me anymore. I confessed the sin of my bitterness both to him and to God. I really was willing to lay the knots aside- both the ones I tied and the ones he tied. I was willing to dispose of them, and let there be potential for new life and purpose for the rest of the "yarn". Even if nothing new is "knit" together, at least what remains is in good condition.

My husband had built a cross for our meeting that night. As I shared, I laid the knots down at the foot of the cross to show the other ladies at Bible study what God had spoken to me. One of the ladies said jokingly, "Don't pick it back up!" but she was right. Even after I had the conversation with my friend I felt the temptation to mull over the offenses again. When it crossed my mind I told the Lord, "Yes Lord, I know, I cut it off, and it's at your cross."

I may have to remind myself of that again a few times, but it will be worth it. Because now what remains can be knit together into something good and God might just get glory in it.

Reigning in the "ten-year-old"

2011-07-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

Sat down with a couple of dear ladies for dinner last night. IF I said they were my "friends" that would be accurate, but not sufficient to describe them.

Truth be told, my time with them has been limited, and I truly don't know a lot about them, though I learned a little more last night, but there is a bond and a connection that knits our hearts together. The Lord has put me on their hearts, and they are reaching out to invest in me, because they see something worth laying hold of. They believe in me, and have confidence in me. They are too dear sweet women who I feel like my name is safe on their lips. That's what I told them last night as we left the restaurant.

For me to feel that way about someone is somewhat rare, and sadly it seems to become more rare all the time. They aren't the only people I feel that way about, by any means, but the list is still short. And because the Lord seems to have gifted me with these two women, these "mothers of the faith," it is particularly dear to me that God has placed them in my life. When I am with them, I feel unconditional love and acceptance. What a rare gift that is.

Truth be told, I didn't want to go last night. I was very close to cancelling just because I am so worn out. My body is not my friend. I have been in chronic pain long enough now, that I have finally lost count of just how long. Even as I sit here and type now, the pain in my neck and shoulders is throbbing. My emotions likewise have taken a beating. I am hurt and raw. The pain of it seems ongoing, and rising up in new places all the time. Even as I sat with the ladies and we talked, new arrows pierced my heart, not from them, but through our conversation.

These women because they love me, and although they support me, and even truly like me, I think, are far from simple cheerleaders. They are willing to, dare I say, determined to speak truth into my life, even hard truth. They do it lovingly, but they don't hold back. And I have to say, it is far easier to receive from someone who you feel your name is safe with than it is with anyone where there is even a hint of distrust.

These mothers of the faith, fast becoming like spiritual moms to me, know and see that there are hard things I am called to do. Things that bring about the emotional pain and personal hurts. Hard things that are hard when you feel good, but feel almost burdensome when your body is not your friend. But because they love me, they wouldn't accept my excuses.

They held my hand and spoke words of life as I sat there crying in the corner booth, but they didn't relent from speaking the truth. They didn't let the compassion they felt for me overwhelm the truth they believe for me. And every time I said "It's too hard," they countered with "But in Christ you can." I've spoken those words to others myself, and I have to say, they are hard to hear but necessary just the same.

"Take your thoughts captive," they instructed. "Speak words of life," they said. It's true, every time I say it's hard, it really gets a little harder.

Finally the Lord gave me the word picture that I understood. When my kids were littler, and I was chasing after the three, ages, 2, 3 and 10, it was easy for life to get consumed by the 2 and 3 year old who were needy and insistent and demanded their wants NOW! It made it harder to keep track of the ten-year-old who took advantage of my distraction and would wander off on his own way. He'd wander off and get himself into trouble, the more distracted I was, the further he went.

My emotions and my body are like the 2 and 3 year old, screaming out, throwing their tantrums, demanding all my attention NOW! And while it is easy to become consumed with how I am feeling both emotionally and physically, my mind, the 10 year old is off and wandering in the wrong direction. The one who KNOWS better is willingly going astray. And the further it wanders, the harder it is to bring it back, and the more havoc wreaked in the mean time.

When the kids were little and that happened, it meant putting the young ones somewhere safe, but a place that required less focus, down for a nap, in a time out, in a playpen to pay- their needs no less important, their demands no less intent, but the priority they were given was lessened, and the focus was brought back to the 10 year old, to bring him back under his proper training. To remind him of what he already knew and raise both the expectation and the focus to it being accomplished.

My body and emotions are what they are. I can't mature or heal them instantly out of the place they'r ein, but I can put them aside safely and get my mind back to focusing on the place that the battle is truly to be won, over my mind and thoughts.

These two women gently yet firmly reminded me, I know the Truth. I am to live by the Truth, and my focus needs to be on the Truth. It's time to reign in the big "kid" and get him back on track.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.
II Corinthians 10:3-6

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
John 8:31-32

The Mess of Forgiveness

2011-07-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since I last posted. It's been a week of highs and lows, a little like an emotional roller coaster.

This week someone I love very much finally arrived at the happiest day of her life, and it was a joy to be there to witness it and be a part. It was the high point of the week, and the thread of it was something to look forward to all week long.

But my body is constantly working against me it seems. My ankle is still sore and weak. I'm sure I haven't helped matters by wearing flip flops and walking bare foot without it being wrapped, but it's summer and well, I'm a tad bit stubborn at times. In addition the pinched nerve in my back that I have been managing (or failing to manage) for the last two months has been relentless, and now I am struggling with pain in the right side of my neck as well and my left knee is sore from walking awkwardly on my bad ankle. Last night I felt a shooting pain through my lower back that felt like something was going to slip or go out, but so far, it's just a twinge here and there. But I am getting really worn down from all the aches and pains.

Pain does that to you, it wears you down. Not just physically, but emotionally too. And for almost as long as I have been nursing the physical pains, I have been nursing some emotional ones as well.

I was told recently, in essence, that I am (1) not teachable, and (2) not reachable. If not "not reachable," then I have certainly been told I am not worth the effort. The people who have spoken that to me, one in actual words, the other in specific actions- or rather inaction, have wounded my heart, and have felt justified in doing so. It's actually a bit of a pattern in that specific area of my life, and it has been a source of great frustration to me. Frustration is like my sore knee, it's not the actual source of the injury, but it is a byproduct that has resulted from it.

This week in the Becoming a Woman of Freedom bible study, we have been learning about forgiveness. The title of the chapter has been "Running with Forgiveness: Laying Aside Bitterness." The running metaphor has not been lost on me since my physical injuries have prevented me from a lot of physical activities these past few weeks, likewise, spiritual injuries can hinder us from "running" our spiritual race.

The theme verse from our Bible study, and week one's memory verse was Hebrews 12:1:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us...

The metaphor of the physical process is simple, whatever slows you down, you throw aside. If a rope wraps itself around you, you unwind or you cut and you move on. If a rock is placed in your arms, you toss it aside, you drop off a backpack, you tie the untied shoelace. Simple.

Spiritually speaking, the reality of laying things aside is not so simple. Those things that entangle us are not seen by the naked eye. Sometimes we think we have snipped off the snare only to find it was longer and more deeply wound than we even realized.

The Lord has been speaking a lot to me about forgiveness this week. It isn't a simple recipe to be followed the same for every offense. So many factors play into it: the offense, the offender, your own emotions, your history; all play a part. Some offenses are easy to overlook, others are not so. Sometimes it's a single offense, sometimes it's a long list of offenses. Sometimes the offender acknowledges the offense, other times they justify it, and sometimes they don't even acknowledge the offense at all.

The problem with an offense is that it becomes such because of the way it makes the offended person feel. Intentions mean nothing when a person walks away wounded. "I didn't mean it that way," or "You took it wrong," means nothing to the person who is nursing the hurt. Usually that exact response adds to the pain.

But God doesn't put conditions on His command to forgive. The truth is, forgiveness, in our case, is for our own good as much as it is for the good of the the one who has offended us. We are called to forgive because we are forgiven. The command is simple, the process is not. But it's difficulty isn't an excuse not to pursue the obedience to it.

I'll be honest, I'm not there, but I'm also struggling with the difference between bitter vs. angry. Sometimes when people hurt us, whether with their action or their inaction, with their words or their lack of words our anger is justified at the offense. And the Bible says, "BE angry... yet do not sin," so the reaction to the offense CAN actually be justified, but we have to guard our hearts from the crossing over from anger to bitterness. And I think the only sure way to do that is to get on to the business, messy as it is, to forgiving as quickly as possible. However, complicated that process may be.

The Right to Choose

2011-07-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the pressure is pushing in so powerfully, it's making me want to react. It makes me want to be rash, to be reactionary. It makes me want to do what I know would (at least in the moment) make me feel better.

It isn't a constant feeling, it isn't overwhelming all the time, but it rises up suddenly. It's almost like standing in the surf at the beach. When the water recedes, it is peaceful, even pleasant. But I turn in the surf and suddenly a wave rises up and hits hard and the calmness is replaced by a tidal wave of emotion that begs for a response.

I think about the way of the world. If I lived by its code, my response would be to do exactly what my heart cries out for. I would worry about myself and do what I want to do, and everyone else be damned. That's what the world says, "Do what feels right." "Look out for number one (because no one else will.)"

But that isn't the way things are in the Kingdom of God.

First of all, I no longer belong to myself, and so I have surrendered my right to choose for myself to the Master.

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Also as a Christian there is another factor tat has to be accounted for, which is how my decisions will effect others. The bible warns us (specifically in the time appropriate example of eating the meat of idols:)

Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak.
1 Corinthians 8:9

I have been accused recently of not giving consideration to how my actions affect other people. But it isn't true. The truth is, in every decision I make I am always contemplating both how it will affect my relationship with the Lord, whether or not I am glorifying Him and whether or not my heart is right before Him, and 2nd of all I am always thinking about how my actions effect other people, because contrary to the accusations, I care deeply.

Sometimes though hard things have to be said. And sometimes you have to bear the backlash of hard choices.

Sometimes hard choices have to be made too. And sometimes the hardest choice to make is the choice to do nothing. Sometimes the choice is staying between the rock and the had place. Sometimes the choice is sucking in the wave of emotion and not responding or reacting.

Sometimes the hard choice is living with the hurt, being misunderstood and even being judged. Sometimes it has to be done, and sometimes it is so damn hard.

At the end of the day though, no matter what the reactions or judgments of another may be, I have to look around and see the good that God is doing in my life and even through my life and I have to remember that I know He knows my heart, even if no one else does.

A couple of months ago I had an experience I shared here on the blog. In the end, the Lord posed a question to me about what I was afraid of: man or disobeying God. It's a question He has posed to me again recently on a few occasions. It's funny how that day in the parking lot at Coffee Bean He settled that question with me, because in the days since, the answer has not been nearly as simple, but I knew the answer because He showed me in the simpler task.

So for now, I have to make some hard choices and say some hard things. So for now I have to accept the judgment and labels of people who believe they have me defined but really don't know me or my heart at all. So for now, I have to choose not to react or respond in my emotion or defense for the glory of God and for the good of others.

It's hard, it's really hard. But the right to choose is not my own. I have been "bought at a price" and I have to remember that there is so much more that matters than my own comfort and credit. Sometimes it doesn't feel fair, but God is bigger than what feels fair. I read a quote on Sunday that I've been holding to:

Since God is just, all that He permits is consistent with His justice... God's justice guarantees that ultimately all that is unfair will be dealt with.
-Joseph Stowell, The Upside of Down.

I'm not going to look at the rock, or the hard place. I'm not going to dwell on the accusations leveled against me. I'm not going to give heed to my own emotions or desires. I am going to surrender my rights to choose in all those things and wait on the Lord. Because if I do, He'll not only take care of me, but He'll do what is best for everyone involved, because He is the only one who has a full and accurate grasp or what is the truth.

Mirror, Mirror

2011-07-06T22:38:00.000-07:00

If I'm going to look into a mirror, I'm going to do it with someone who will sit next to me, who'll look with me, arm around my shoulder, unafraid of their own reflection. They may point at my flaws, but not without being willing to look at their own. Their head on my shoulder, or sometimes my head or theirs, arm in arm and looking together into our reflections.

This is a person who may point and say, "see that, it needs work," but if it hurts, I can be confident that it's a wound of a friend, someone who won't try to hide their own flaws, maybe even will say, "See, I have a little of that issue myself." Or at least be willing to acknowledge their own ugliness.

We all have ugliness. When we look into the Mirror, no one can escape it. Not just flaws and shortcomings, but ugliness, true grotesqueness even. The face of sin is there.

But what I won't do is look into a mirror with someone who stands behind it, unwilling to catch their own reflection, only looking to point out my flaws. Holding the mirror between us, pointing out everything they see, considering oneself the expert on what needs to be fixed on me. Standing, pointing, magnifying... And hiding.

Don't hurt yourself reaching over that mirror, patting me on the hand to say, "Wounds of a friend," because if you were my friend, you'd be sitting here next to me, real and exposed, not hiding behind the mirror.

What's even worse is when it isn't a mirror at all, but your own depiction of my likeness. You are not my mirror, and it's not your place to assume I'm not looking into the True Mirror. You don't really know, you've never truly sat here on this side of the mirror with me at all. You shouldn't speak of what you don't truly know, from your own opinions and distant observations. You certainly shouldn't consider yourself the expert.

I am willing to look in the mirror. I do it constantly, and I do see my flaws. But I also know they do not disqualify me. They do not define me. They are not who I am, even the mirror does not condemn me in them. I'm not afraid of the mirror, but I will not look into it with a judge. No, only with a participant am I willing to sit and take inventory.

Mirror Mirror, on the wall,
I know I'm not the fairest of all.
But Your reflection does not condemn,
I know what I see is only dim.
Though what You show can be hard to see,
It isn't yet the complete reflection of me.
Thank you for those who'll come and stay,
And sit beside me night or day.
Side by side our reflections bare,
Arm in arm with friends who care.
We'll look together into the mirror,
Of what we'll find we will not fear.
For the flaws and scars will not remain,
So from despair I will refrain.

By Diana DePriest
© July 6, 2011

Handicapped

2011-07-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

I was in a head on collision Tuesday afternoon in the parking lot of Baskin Robbins. There were no cars involved mind you, I was run down directly by my 6'2", 230 lb. seventeen-year old son. Mom's first lesson of the week: Be careful who you tussle with (even playfully). In hindsight, the revelation that came to me is my Jake is a little like an oversized puppy. He means no harm, but can be a little dangerous, nonetheless.

Long story short (is it too late for that?) in the process of our tangle, I ended up with a sprained and bruised ankle from the process of the fall, and a big bruise on the back of my head and an extremely sore jaw from the landing. (My head, on the asphalt.)

I came home from the ER cleared, but feeling pretty battered and bruised. I forsook my crutches quickly for a cane because I felt like I was going to kill myself trying to use them. Walking was almost impossible the first night, but painful after that. Eating quickly lost lots of it's luster because quite frankly, my teeth are not lining up properly and it hurts to bite down. And the back of my head - very sensitive

That's what I was well aware of the first night, but in the days that have since passed, I have been far more aware of aches and pains in far different places.

Wednesday we had to drop our kids off at summer camp, and unwilling to miss the tradition of dropping them off in their cabins,I had to do some heavy trekking for a newly sprained ankle. The walk between my daughter's cabin and the cabin where my boys were was particularly steep. But what I noticed as I walked slowly down the decline and then back up the hill as well, was that the place I felt the worst pain was not in my newly injured left ankle, but rather in my "healthy" right leg.

I noticed also that my left shoulder and arm attached first to the crutches and then to the cane was really feeling a lot of pain. The only comfortable way to move on my tender left ankle was to turn my foot out slightly when I walked, that caused pain in my hip. Bottom line, the injured "body parts" was specific, but the pain was very general and felt throughout the whole body.

It reminded me of a scripture. Interestingly enough, my friend who sends me scripture via text message every day, sent me this passage Thursday morning:

For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.
Romans 12:4-8

This passage came to me as well:

Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.
Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
1 Corinthians 12:12-26

I know that's a lot of reading, but it's critical. Wednesday morning before I took the kids to camp, I said to Ethan, "You really don't know how much you use your ankle for until you injure it." I would feel the pain of its weakness in ways I never imagined. Who realized you need your ankle to sit down? But you do.

It makes me think about the "Body" of Christ and how it can be weakened and hurt when people don't perform what God has called them to. The Romans scripture says it perfectly, what God has called you and gifted you to do, DO! If you don't, then other parts of the "Body" are bearing more weight than they should, and feeling the stress and strain of it.

Likewise, as a "Body" we shouldn't be hindering one another from serving in our gifts. We shouldn't be letting "hands" decide that "ankles" serve no good purpose, because when we do, suddenly the abdomen is feeling the pain of it. But sadly, it happens every day. But those hands are not The Hands that rule the world, so trust that the "Head" (Jesus, Himself) will reveal to you the place He has for you to serve even when other body parts don't think you should. So press on, find your place.

Don't be handicapped, and DO what God made you to DO. Remember, where it's God's will, He'll make a way.

The Garden

2011-06-28T00:24:00.000-07:00

The garden grows, full and fine,
Flowers and fruit, from the vine.

Sweet is the fruit, fragrant the flowers,
Yet for some, their heart it sours.

They stand afar off and "it's wrong" they declare,
But how can they know from way over there?

They can't, that's the problem, there's no way to know,
When into the garden they won't even go.

Maybe it's not what they'd choose to plant,
But they shouldn't decide that it's bad based on that.

If they don't walk among the flowers and take in the scent,
How can they decide the seeds were misspent?

The sweetness of the fruit speaks for itself,
But they can't ever know if it's just stuck on a shelf.

But if they just decide that the garden is bad,
Then none of the beauty is theirs to be had.

The value of the garden, in the fruit it is found,
Good things only grow out of good ground.

By Diana DePriest
© June 28, 2011

Authentic

2011-06-16T00:07:00.000-07:00

Sitting alone with the Lord tonight, the word seems almost to taunt me. Authentic.

It's a quality I value. It's a quality I aspire to but when I look myself in the mirror, I have to ask, is it a word that could be used to describe me?

Sometimes I find myself in a room full of people and I can't help but wonder if any of them truly know me at all. I feel misunderstood often, and insecurity is a battle that wages itself against me a lot. It's all tied up together, the sense of not being known or understood and the fear of being judged or rejected. It takes me inside my own head, and I cry out inside, "Am I being real??"

It's a scary question to ask, because if I am being real and it leads to being rejected, what does that say about who I am? Does it speak ill of me or ill of the one who is rejecting me?

I'm very black and white in what I believe. What you believe defines who you are. I am a hard person to sway. Some people might call that being narrow minded, but I consider myself to be a person of conviction. What I hold dear to my heart is the Truth of God's Word, and if you want to change my perspective on something, you have to do it with a biblical argument. If you can't convince me with a biblical argument, you can't convince me at all, and a lot of people wold say that description takes me from narrow minded to judgmental.

I hear myself saying (a lot) "But the Bible says..." and I wonder, is it a copout? Am I not thinking for myself? It's what the world would accuse me of, considering me a lemming. But I don't know how not to filter my decisions through the Word of God. That is who I truly am. I've seen the wisdom of believing God at His word. and as it says in Matthew 11, "...wisdom is proved right by her deeds.” (vs. 19)

My mind is just twisting tonight with concern. I want to be real. I want to be a genuine person. But sometimes, I truly wonder.

All I know is that all any of us can do is our best to live our lives in the Light, open and honest, in both our struggles and our victories. We have to remember that we are all works in process and maybe that is part of the challenge.

Maybe the reason it is so hard to feel authentic is because none of us is yet who we were truly created to be. Hopefully every day if we do our best to seek the Lord with our whole hearts, He, the Author and Finisher of our faith, will mold us a little more into the form of who He has purposed us to be. There is a Master plan for each and every one of us, and no two of us are on the same path, no two of us have the same "blue print," if you will. And not one of us has yet to arrive at the finished product, which interestingly enough for every one of us will be a clear reflection of the Savior who is molding us all along the way.

I want to be real. I want to be genuine. But much like growing into shoes when I was a child, the fit isn't quite right yet, and many days I am more aware of the awkwardness than the progress, but perhaps if I remember on those more uncomfortable days that God is molding and shaping me, I can look forward with anticipation to the completion of authenticity, rather than just wallow in the weirdness of the process. At least I hope so.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
1 Corinthians 13:11-12

Seventeen!

2011-06-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

Super excited....

Seventeen women are kicking off a summer Bible study tonight. I am filled with joyful anticipation about what the Lord is going to do over the next couple of months.

We're doing a small booklet called "Becoming a Woman of Freedom" by Cynthia Heald. The book is small, easy consumption for summer fare. Just like the heat encourages salads and fruit for the physical appetite, this will be just substantial enough to keep us filled, without homework that will weigh us down. It's tough to commit to lots of study time when the summer sun is calling- when freedomis calling, but it's enough to anchor us so we won't sacrifice seeking the Lord over the summer.

And I think that 17 women together can do some seriously exciting seeking. I am REALLY looking forward to it. I think the Lord has some special things in store for us, I know He's already giving me some neat ideas about added little visual lessons and such. I'm really excited.

I am also really excited to announce the winner of my first ever Giveaway! I kept my list of all my entrants, and today I used an online number checker to make my choice... and the winner is... #17! Maybe that's a good sign?

Congratulations to Ms. Allison Parillo! By the time you read this, I will have already given you the book at our first Bible study meeting. It's going to be a GREAT summer!

GIVEAWAY!!! The Vision - Retreat part 3

2011-06-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

It's been more than a week since I posted Part 2 (click to go) of my retreat series. It's been more than two weeks since the actual retreat. To be honest, the last couple days have been a challenge, and all of the afterglow of the time of retreat seems to have disappeared, but the vision that I saw during our time in prayer that Saturday night at retreat remains extremely vivid to me even now, and it's worth sharing.

As my friends and I poured our hearts to the Lord there in our cabin, I was a bundle of emotions. I came to him with hurts, I came to him with deferred hopes, I had bitterness and resentment but I also had faith, a hunger and thirst for the Lord Himself. I was crying, literally, before the Lord, and that just doesn't happen in my life very often. I am NOT a crier, and so this moment, between me an the Lord and with my sisters in Him was profound for me.

As we were praying, and I was crying, I saw a picture. I saw a woman's figure, almost like a silhouette, the dark shape of a woman in worship with her hands lifted to heaven. But as I looked at her I could see long deep cracks into her shape. And as we continued to pray, I could see the Holy Spirit pouring into her outstretched hands. As I saw the Holy Spirit pouring into her, I could see how He was filling the cracks. I thanked the Lord as we prayed for a God Who fills the cracks and holes in our spirits. It was a profound picture. I struggle to put it into words.

After our prayer time was over I was treasuring the picture the Lord showed me in my heart and I felt Him speaking to my heart. He reminded me about how when a mirror is broken, it both reflects and refracts light improperly. The light is distorted both in the mirror and from the mirror. Likewise when we, God's kids are cracked and broken, His Light is not only distorted when we take it in, but it is distorted when we shine it back out as well.

What I mean is, our cracks and broken places give us a wrong interpretation of Who God is. As good as the perception may be, it falls short of the reality of Who He is. We cannot fully take it in, and so in our brokenness, in our "cracks" we often misread God in our feelings and circumstances. And likewise, we often do a poor job of being Jesus' reflection to those around us, we fall short, reflecting the brokenness in the lives of those around us.

The clarity of the vision for me is hard to express. It was so clear, and such a profound truth that testified to my soul. I want nothing more to be able to show you what I saw, and even in my gift of painting pictures with words, I don't have the colors on my palette to express it.

Last week during my devotional time I was reading from Volume 3 of Unlocking the Bible and Colin S. Smith came very close to capturing the truth of my vision. Speaking of the Holy Spirit he wrote, "He is able to touch all the deep places of your soul, renewing your mind, redirecting affections of your heart, molding and reshaping the will, cleansing the imagination, and healing the memory. He can created new desires within you so that you follow Christ not out of a sense of duty but from a heart that hungers and thirsts for righteousness. He can give you the power to live a new life for the glory of God."

What a beautiful word picture of the work of the Holy Spirit, our Helper and Comforter. He fills the cracks in our soul, so that we can both better comprehend who our God is, and so we can better reflect Him into the world around us. We just need to open our hearts to receive more of Him. Hearts of expectation and worship, open to allow the Holy Spirit to do what He desires to do in us continually, until the day the work is complete and no cracks remain and the Light is reflected perfectly.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
1 Corinthians 13:9-12

It blesses me to share something precious with you in the vision I saw, and the confirmation of the word in my devotional time. It's also my pleasure to share a little more with my first ever giveaway.

I have been EXTREMELY blessed by the teachings of Colin S. Smith and his Unlocking the Bible series. I highly recommend you check out his website and his books by clicking here. Last month I had intended to do a giveaway in honor of the blog's 3rd anniversary, but it didn't work out. But Unlocking the Bible did make a donation for the giveaway at my request. And although it's not one of the four volumes that have been such a huge blessing to me personally they did donate the littler book "10 Keys for Unlocking the Bible" (pictured below).

The back of the book reads in part: "The 10 keys are condensed from Unlocking the Bible Story, a series of four books that cover the story in greater detail. If you enjoy the high altitude flyover and want to get closer to the ground, Unlocking the Bible Story will give you a map and a compass. But those of you who are new to the Bible or want a quick overview of the Christian faith, this is the place to begin. Join Colin Smith on the journey. The views are breathtaking!"

Perhaps that's not deep enough for you, but it could be a handy tool to have to share with someone else at the right time. Or perhaps it's enough to create a thirst that will cause you to draw deeper from the well. If you are interested in purchasing the bigger volumes you can visit the Unlocking the Bible website, or you can purchase them through my Amazon.com store (click to go).

So want to win? There are SEVEN ways to try, so that means you can get up to seven entries for the chance to win this great little book.

How to enter the drawing:

1. Post this blog to your Facebook.
2. Tweet this post, be sure to include @dianadepriest and #MyWalkOfFaith in the tweet.
3. Become a follower, found in the right column. (If you are already a follower, let me know.)
4. Grab my button (in the left column) and put it on your blog or website. (If my button is already on your site, let me know.)
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Saddened

2011-06-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

Part 3 of my reflections about women's retreat are going to be delayed by this post regarding other matters we are currently facing in our home.

Yesterday on the family blog(click to see), and over the last few days on Facebook ,I have been sharing about what has been a pretty disappointing experience as a parent. Summary, my oldest son Jacob's high school drama ~~team~~ ~~group~~ ~~class~~ program presented a production that I found really offensive. Even Jake, specifically, said a word that I didn't approve of coming out of his mouth.

Long story short, I made myself heard. I wrote a letter to both his teacher and his principal. In all honesty, I got a really cruddy response from his teacher, and wasn't thrilled even with his principal's response. The teacher's bottom line was annoyance, and the principal's was basically that he could not speak to the matter because he wasn't there to see the production. Don't even get me started on that one.

I am not naive, and I know that our strong Christian standard isn't held or really even respected in the public school system. I know the stand for "righteousness" is against the grain, and the flow of norm in society today as a whole, specifically on a high school campus.

My first response was to pull Jake, my extremely talented actor of a child, from the drama program for next year his senior year. I don't really want his teacher to be a strong influence in his life, and he is schedule to actually take two classes with her next year, just as he did this year. It goes beyond even what she allowed on stage last week, it was something about her and her attitude as she was forced to interact with me as Jake's mom. (She called me "because her principal asked me to" not because she was actually interested in the dialogue.)

Now, I can already hear the peanut gallery in my head, and have heard a lot of it on Facebook and in personal conversations. There are those who would respond and say that Jake is almost 18 years old and an adult and it's not really up to me. There are also those who would say to yank him out and sheltre him completely from the experience. And I have to say, I can't agree with either. I will always be Jake's mom, and it will always be a part of that role to be wise counsel for him, but especially at this stage of his life, he still needs to be parented. The decisions are not in his hands yet. But, it's also foolish to think I can guard him completely, how strong will his faith and conviction be if he never has to stand up for them?

Neither of these responses actually throws me though, the one that does is the somewhat prevailing attitude that this particular area, of acting and entertainment, is impossible for Jake to work or participate in without any compromise. I have had that response from almost all Christian angles, the former participant, the young (newer) Christian and even the more mature and seasoned Christian. From each of those angles, I have heard it labeled impossible for Jake to make an impact or a change.

At this point, as a family, the way we are headed is to allow Jake to continue in the program, and even under the teaching of this woman, of whom I do not approve. He stumbled last week in his participation, two-fold, one in a word he let be uttered from his own mouth, and also from his endorsement of the rest of the program without knowledge of what was going to be on stage. He wrongly (in this case) gave his teacher the benefit of the doubt about what she would allow on stage, and in that error he exposed us, particularly his younger siblings, to things they should not have seen and heard. As a mom, I too made an error when I let me kids remain instead of walking out when I saw what was going on. We both have to learn from that.

But the prevailing message I am hearing that things will never change, that the theater industry is too liberal, and the entertainment standard too low so there is no purpose in even trying, makes me really, really sad.

We have challenged Jacob to evaluate what he really believes. We have asked him to take stock as to whether his actions and words are lining up. In this incident, they did not. I talked to him this morning about how open I have been with this situation among our friends and family and even in the blogging world, and please know, Jake is aware, and he knows that standard of accountability is there, and he is fine with it. But I am disheartened by the hopeless response of so many Christians.

I am saddened by a Christian writer deciding they had to put a word of profanity in a one act play, just because.

I am saddened that my 17 year old missed the check in his spirit when he agreed to say it.

I am saddened that as a whole, this group of young people is convinced that filth equals entertainment.

I am saddened that people don't think there is any point for Christian kids to try to take a stand and hold a standard that will be an uphill battle in Jake's "arena."

What I am not, is convinced. I am not convinced that Jake cannot take a stand and make a difference.

My pastor has been talking about "Faith the Changed the World," and we've been studying the book of Acts. It gives accounts of many who stood up against persecution for their beliefs. As I look around and this topic of discussion is ongoing about how it's impossible for Jake to make an impact, I can't help but note that that kind of "faith" might just be exactly why thing shave become what they have. Too many Christians unwilling to take a stand because of fear of the backlash or because they don't believe one person's efforts are enough to make a difference.

What have we as Christians given up because we don't want to fight the system, or worse because we don't want to be rejected by it?

The more I think about it, the mor eI am inclined to think that Jake will be in those two classrooms next year. I am becoming less and less concerned about what impact the darkness there will have on his light, and more and more hopeful to help my son shine in such a way that he will overcome the darkness.

No, maybe he won't change the whole system, but what if one person reconsiders how they express themselves, or his teacher reconsiders next year what she allows on her stage because of our efforts to call foul.

All I am certain of is I do not want my son to go out into the world believing that he cannot take a stand for righteousness and make a difference. I don't want him to decide it's ok to hide his light "under a bushel." I do want him to believe his faith can change the world, and more importantly, I want to help him learn to exercise it.

“You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.
Matthew 5:13-16

Unscheduled - Retreat part 2

2011-05-29T20:53:00.000-07:00

When I went to one of my very first retreats, some 19 years ago or so, I roomed with three "older" women. It's funny as I have been thinking about that retreat over the last few days, and I realized those women were probably about the age I a now, if not even a little younger than I am today.

It was a typical retreat, and Saturday afternoon brought "workshop time." My three roomies, only one of whom I actually really knew at all at that point had decided not to participate in the workshops. The roommate I knew was an "older" woman who was making an effort to be a mentor in my life. She had teenagers at the time, it's just so funny thinking back over my perception, but I digress.

I went off to my workshop obediently and when it was over, I headed back to our room. When I opened the door to the room, it was a profound experience for me. There was such a thickness of the presence of God in the room, it was like walking into pea soup. I could feel the weight of it all around me.

I was a new baby Christian, and I had NEVER experienced anything like that before. I remember quietly crossing the room and crawling onto my bunk bed and just soaking it all in. I listened as the women prayed passionately and I just soaked in the sense of God's presence. It was so sweet.

I'm going to be honest, one thing that disappointed me with this year's women's retreat was the lack of "ministry time" that didn't go on. I remember past retreats where the worship would continue after the message and the women would minister to one another in prayer. There was some of that after the Saturday morning service, but both the evening services ended very abruptly and didn't have any time like that. It made me a little sad.

There was an option of signing up for a prayer time prior to the Saturday night service, but to me t seems the "need" for ministry can be hard to plan for, and I didn't sign up, in pat because I wasn't sure if I needed it or not, not to mention some other challenges the formality of it presented for me personally. I think I have been to too many youth retreats where the Lord completely leads the service, worship and ministry. Young people are far less formal and far less concerned with schedules and agendas, and I think they've ruined me a little for the concept of retreats.

All throughout the weekend I carried my prayer journal with me, and unlike most of the time where I set aside specific time to sit down and journal to the Lord that weekend I was "in and out of it" all weekend, even in the middle of worship at the retreat when I found myself struggling or having difficulty focusing. After dinner Saturday night I made my way back to our cabin and found myself there alone and was crying out to God in my prayer journal.

After a time one of my roommates made her way back to the room and we talked about the difficulty we were both having with the formality of signing up for prayer, but she was considering "crashing" even though she hadn't signed up in advance. As we began to talk and share, we decided instead to just seek God there together.

It began with just the two of us, long time friends on our knees and seeking God together, for ourselves and for each other and for all of us up on the mountaintop last weekend. As we continued to pray we heard our roommates milling about. Eventually they came in to the room and bowed down with us. I wondered if when they walked in the room they could feel the thickness of the Lord's presence. I wondered if they felt the sweetness the way I did, both that Saturday evening, and on a Saturday afternoon nearly two decades before.

It was a wonderful time of prayer and though it wasn't a "scheduled" appointment, God met us there. He spoke strongly words of hope, words of encouragement, and words of life. It was amazing to me how he touched each one of us, and touched each one of us differently. For one, rest; for another, courage; for another, direction; For me He gave me a very specific word of encouragement- a word of life to hold onto.

If you want to hear more about it, I invite you to come back soon and read part 3.

Splinters - Retreat part 1

2011-05-24T08:42:00.000-07:00

Retreat was good.

Even going with the best of attitudes and the most purposeful expectation, there are certain things for me that rise closer to the surface than any other time at retreat, this trip was no exception. But I didn't go unprepared and I was in battle mode, ready to take up the fight required to bring captive my thoughts to the obedience to Christ.

The fellowship I had with the girlfriends in my cabin could not have been better. There were seven of us, six who came with the intention of spending time together and the seventh who was God bringing us perfectly to the number of "completion." Everyone got along and enjoyed each other so much. We had lots of laughs playing games and sharing meals together and it was an awesome time.

Saturday was a particularly battle filled day for me. I took some time to wander off alone in nature to seek the Lord but He was very quiet. While I was out I got a several splinters in my hand. I tried to pull them out, and was able to remove all but two. The two were deep. As I came back into "civilization" with my friends I was doing my best to pick them out.

I took note that when I didn't pick at the two splinters, they were uncomfortable, but they didn't hurt. It was only when I tried to pull them out, without the proper tools mind you, that it really hurt. The irony of the comparison to the thoughts and hurts I was battling wasn't lost on me. That's the thing about heading up to retreat, the "discomfort" of my issues develops into full fledged pain because of the picking that it brings.

I eventually went to my cabin and grabbed a safety pin, a "proper tool," to remove the splinter, quite literally, the thorn in my flesh. As I came back and sat at a table where my friends were playing cards, I began the work of removing my thorns. The first one came out relatively easily, but the second one had sunk deep and required some serious digging. I got it out, but it left it's mark. It hurt a little even after the splinter was out, but it was the kind of hurt that I knew would heal.

Unfortunately, thorns in the spirit aren't always as easy to pull out. And over the course of the weekend, one of my friends and I talked about the fact that sometimes, God chooses not to remove the spiritual thorns in our flesh. Instead He speaks straight to our hearts and says, "My grace is sufficient."

That was kind of how I felt this weekend about my spiritual splinters. I think the Lord did a little digging and actually removed one or two that I didn't even bring to Him. I wasn't unaware of them, but they weren't painful, so I was satisfied to leave them there. But now that He removed them, I am glad, I realize it's so much better.

But there is another deeper thorn that I feel like the Lord said, "My grace is sufficient." Interestingly enough, that brings a whole different kind of healing.

When I came home from retreat, my nightly devotional made this statement: "Focus on God's Presence in your present." (paraphrased) It was a profound statement for me. So much of my "splinter" issue comes from looking in the past and from focusing on the future, instead of being where I am and focusing on Him, remembering His grace is indeed sufficient.

What I have taken from this admonition from my devotional, and all the things the Lord has been speaking in the weeks that led up to it is this:

"Dwell, delight, depend."

The Lord is in my now and He is with me and for me in it. He has left my past and has asked me to hand it over to Him as well, not to keep carrying it around. My future is in His plans, He will be there, but He's not there yet and I should never try to run ahead of Him. I need to be here in His presence now, abiding in Him and enjoying Him, and relying on Him, in confidence and trust.

Anticipation

2011-05-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for women's retreat tomorrow. Historically women's retreats are not the best experiences for me. There are a few that I have very for memories of, but on the scale, if I set them all on the positive or negative perception sides, the scale would tip to the negative without a doubt.

So it's very interesting for me that I am looking forward to tomorrow with joyful anticipation. I'm actually really excited. And I believe that the anticipation in my heart has been placed there by the Lord in order prepare me for a very special weekend that lies ahead.

Mind you, it's not all about me - and I don't even think the anticipation is necessarily just for myself. I know a lot of women are going up to this retreat out of obedience. Many women are allowing themselves to be stretched beyond their comfort zone, or giving up other plans they had for their weekend, and I believe God is going to bless them for that. I am anticipating getting to be a witness of a lot of blessing.

Of course, anticipation isn't always a good thing. A week ago my husband came home from a trip no feeling well. I sent him to the doctor first thing Friday morning, and he wasn't well. In the miscommunication of what he brought back from his doctor's appointment, we interpreted the information pretty negatively. By Saturday night I found him alone in our office. He confessed his fear to me, he said, "What if I never see my daughter get married?" He was anticipating the worst.

Not long after, I started down the same path. I was anticipating my impending widowhood. It was NOT a joyful anticipation in the least. It was quite an overwhelming and fearful anticipation, rooted in misinformation.

Wednesday I was driving to pick the kids up from school. (Not sure why that seems to be a favorite day and time for the Lord to speak to me.) As I was driving, I was beind another van stopped at an intersection. At this particular intersection, when you cross through, the "slow lane" quickly merges into a single for about 40 feet then widens back out to two. I was in a bit of a hurry and I tried to pull into the short passing lane because the car in front of me was going too slow.

I couldn't see what was in front of the van before me, and as I accelerated to pass him along his passenger side, I had to hit my brakes almost immediately. The reason he was moving so slow was not because he just wanted to move slowly, but instead there was a slow moving vehicle up ahead. Truthfully, I could have caused quite an accident had I pushed the issue.

As I slowed and pulled alongside the curb to wait for both vehicles to move ahead, the Lord spoke to my heart. "Don't try to move ahead of Me. I know what's up ahead, you don't." Bottom line what I knew He was saying was not to anticipate Him. There is no wisdom in it.

Now, expectation on the other hand carries a great deal of wisdom. Expecting the goodness of God, that's wise. In fact, expectation is a gift, and an overflow of our faith in Him.

My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
Psalm 62:5

We should come to Him in expectation, for His goodness, His faithfulness and His love for us. We should remember His promises, and we should expect to see their fulfillment in our lives. He has many good gifts He longs to give us, and the greatest of all is Himself. He longs to give us more of Him. And we should come expecting always for that deeper relationship.

I'm going to retreat tomorrow, and I am expecting good things!

But without faith it is impossible to please Him,
for he who comes to God must believe that He is,
and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
Hebrews 11:6

PS Neal went to the dentist today and they found a great deal of infection in his teeth, we are beliving his other complications are directly related. They drained the infection and we are believing soon all the health issues will be resolved.

Fear is a cancer

2011-05-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

My husband isn't well. Last week before he and Ethan left for a marathon two day trip in Sacramento with school, he made some passing comments about some discomfort in his neck. To be honest I didn't pay a whole lot of attention.

After flying home Thursday night it was after midnight Friday before they got home. I asked about the trip and helped shuffle the very sleepy Ethan off to bed and then Neal mentioned his neck again. This time he put my hand to his neck where I felt a lot of swelling and a "lump" I could move around inside. It scared me. I drew my hand back and anxiety began to fill me.

We went to bed, but I didn't sleep well. Neal, on the other hand, exhausted from his trip crashed. When morning broke, I woke and just lay waiting till I could call a doctor's office. When 9 am finally came, I made the call.

Currently we are "between" doctors. Our doctor of more than 20 years is converting into a "concierge" medical practice. If you don't know what that is, basically it means you pay $1800 a year just to have a "membership" with the doctor. It's supposed to bring about better care and attention. For us it meant finding a new doctor. Fortunately I had started to do some investigating when we found out about our doctor's change, but we are the kind of people who don't go to a doctor unless we need one, which hasn't been very often.

Friends had recommended a doctor they liked, so I called him and made Neal an appointment. He was able to fit him in just a couple hours later. We were met that morning with car trouble, Ethan was still asleep recuperating from his trip, and my Victoria, who was suffering from strep, was still sound asleep late into the morning as well. So I armed Neal with his medical card, our medical credit card and a check to pay the doctor and sent him in his way.

It was not long after noon before Neal got home and I asked him what the doctor said. All the doctor told him was he had no idea what was wrong with Neal. It could be an infection, but he didn't know. Swollen lymph nodes can be caused by infection, virus or disease. He had let the doctor know we had strep in the house, but the doctor said definitely "no." Could be infection, and the fact that there is pain and tenderness in the area is actually a good sign. But bottom line, the doctor didn't know. He told him to take a prescription of antibiotics and return a week from Monday.

Neal's been on the antibiotics since Friday, but so far, no improvement. I keep catching him reaching up and fondling at his neck. He actually says he thinks it might feel a little worse, and he's concerned that the tenderness seems to be spreading up the back of his scalp. I've been watching him be preoccupied with it, and started to realize it was "metastasize" from concern into fear. As I have watched his fear grow, I've felt mine increase too.

Yesterday we were in the kitchen together making sandwiches, and with his back to me he said, "Are you afraid." I admitted I was, and he said the words, "I'm afraid too." It buckled me a little, because my Neal isn't one who struggles with fear.

Last night we were busy with Jacob and his friends. It was a fun busy night, but all throughout I keep watching Neal's hand go to his neck. Every time it did, I felt my fear increase. At the end of the night after all Jake's friends had been picked up or delivered home, Neal wandered back to the office. After a while I went back to check on him.

I asked him if he was OK, and he said to me, "I just want to see my daughter get married." There was something in his voice and in his eyes that actually buckled me. It was like all the fear I had been pushing back suddenly flooded the room, and flooded both our hearts. Once again, as many times in the 48 hours since Neal had gotten back from his trip, I laid my hand on his neck and I prayed and asked the Father to just take this invader away.

Neal and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this week just before he and Ethan left town. We've been talking a lot about how blessed we are for the 20 years of marriage we have shared. I adore my husband, and of all the things in the world that frighten me, losing my husband is at the very top of my list. More than losing a child or having something happen to myself, the fear that I struggle with is losing Neal. And now it's like something is tugging at the darkest hidden place in my heart.

When I woke up this morning, Neal was already gone to church. He was playing worship for the children's ministries. As I got up and spent my morning time with the Lord, I poured my heart out about this situation and our fears, just as I did as I sat with the Father last night. I prayed first for God to heal, but even more, I prayed for God to conquer the fear. Then I sent out a text message to friends I trust and people who I know love and care about my hubby, and asked them to pray for it too.

I keep thinking about how much the Word of God speaks against fear. "Fear not!" He told Joshua (repeatedly.) Timothy tells us that God hasn't given us a spirit of fear. Neal came and sat with me after playing worship this morning in big church. I shed a few tears before he got there during worship and repeating the words he said to me last night to a friend. I almost can't utter them out loud. When service was over I pushed Neal to the front of church to ask for prayer. A good friend and godly man prayed for us, and as we bowed to the Father others came up alongside. I watched as my husband shed a tear or two as well.

My pastor's wife prayed out over him the verse I have been meditating on, 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I yes'd and amen'd because I know, that whatever Neal may be facing in his health (and we have certainly run ahead in the possibilities) the fear is a dangerous enemy in the fight. Fear grips and chokes. Fear is like a cancer that tries to weaken our faith and hope.

This morning as my Facebook status I wrote, "The "unknown" taunts, while "what if" and "could be" tries to chase you down a dark and scary path. It's why you can never let go of Daddy's hand, He sees all. He's then close enough to focus on. It doesn't make the dark any less scary, but it keeps it from having all the power it longs for."

I'm trying very hard to hold to this truth and and hold on to what we DO know, God is big. God tells us not to be fearful or anxious. God is for us. I keep repeating the word of God to my fears, silently praying them over my husband. But I'm not going to lie, it taunts me. In between the prayers and scriptures I find myself watching Neal, trying not to imagine what life would be like without him.

If you think of it, say a prayer for us. Pray for healing in my hubby, and for God to cure the cancer that is fear that is trying hard to grip our hearts. I hope to report back soon with how silly we have been when everyting turns out to be just fine - in Jesus' name.

A Psalm of Diana

2011-05-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my circumstances make me angry. I see something, hear something, and this rage rises up.

I question desires that I thought were from You.

Why bother with unused gifts?

What is the point of talents if they are never used?

Maybe they aren't even real.

Maybe what I thought once was,

Or what might be,

Was all just in my own mind,

Figments of my imagination.

So I pray.

I ask You to take away the wants and desires,

but they remain.

I hold them in my heart

and they curdle

and spoil inside me.

I'm judged. I know it.

Some who judge me claim to be my friend to my face,

but their true feelings seep out.

"I love you," they say,

but it isn't true.

Others point from the distances.

The distance of time,

or false friendship.

I get angry at the people who You use as boundaries in my life,

but the Truth is,

You are the one who gives them the power of those positions.

And it makes me angry at You.

I watch others climb, even soar,

often attached to the back end ahead of them,

and it pisses me off.

But over that as well, You are sovereign.

And it makes me mad at You.

It makes me want to shake my fist toward the heavens

to demand an answer.

I want to kick and scream at the returning silence.

You don't answer me.

Days, weeks, months go by,

it comes to the place of counting the years,

and it makes me want to scream!

False accusations.

Unjust judgments passed.

Labels tattooed in permanent ink.

I long for validation, but it never comes.

And in my hurt and impatience

I struggle not to become the one

that they say I am.

Unfulfilled dreams weigh heavy on my soul.

Unacknowledged hurts don't heal,

and the wounds fester.

Judgments carried sap me of all strength.

I try to carry them to the cross...

again...

and again...

and again.

"Faithful, faithful, faithful - fruit" they say.

And I stand in a desert.

Maybe I'm not faithful at all.

I see no fruit.

Not even a bud.

But who am I to rage at You?

I am but dust.

I just don't want to want anymore.

Aspiration and dreams suffocate me.

Take them away.

Or take me away.

Please.

I heard His voice

2011-05-02T22:17:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is, my 300th post. In my mind it was going to have fanfare, it was going to be a big deal. I had big plans, and wanted it to really stand out. I thought first of doing it exactly on the 3 year anniversary of the blog, which was the 17th of April. But I didn't want to rush and write posts just for the sake of it, so the anniversary came and went without note. Then I thought to myself, "Well, if I hit the same month..." but here we are 2 days into May, and I missed that idea too.

I was going to do my first ever giveaway. I actually thought about doing a 3 part giveaway, I was even going to spend $30 dollars of my own money, because the 3's appealed to me. But now that the day has passed, the urge to empty my wallet has passed. Though I do have a little book I solicited from Unlocking the Bible that I am going to give away soon. As much as I was in for fanfare, it just didn't pan out that way at all.

Instead, here it is, #300, and I just want to share a little story about what God has been doing and speaking in my life.

There has been a lot on my mind lately. I've been asking my God lots of big questions. Among them, but not limited to, "Should I leave my church?" "What is Your call for me in ministry?" "Am I supposed to be working on a book?" An it has been an ongoing seeking, persistent, at times passionate, sometimes out of pain and frustration, other times out of vision and desire. I have sought and sought, and the Lord has remained primarily silent.

Often it has felt like I have been pounding on bricks. Sometimes it feels like my "fists" and other times it feels like me "head." I have begged, cried, demanded (and then repented.) I have wondered and willed, and I have sat at His feet feeling stuck in the mire of uncertainty.

The silence has been so profound, that it had actually begun to drown out my questions. Instead of striving with my wonderings, I began to struggle with God's silence. Was I in sin? Checking my account with a "sharp eye." Had I angered God? Had I just missed Him? A whole other kind of brick wall in my midst to to bang my proverbial head against. I got to the point I began to pray for God to take away my gifts and the desire to use them. I asked Him to make me not want to know the answers to my questions at all. And His silence continued.

The Wednesday before Easter as I drove from work to the kids school to pick them up I got a word picture from the Lord. It was a glimpse, but it brought about a wonderful time of celebratory worship for me in the short drive over. Later that night at midweek service I was able to enter into the worship time better than normal, (it's typically a struggle for me.) As I was worshipping the Lord brought the picture from the afternoon back to me. And then I felt a tap/push on my left shoulder. I looked behind me only to see my friend deep in worship. No one else was even near me. I turned back and began to worship and felt it again. And I knew. It was the Lord, and He was telling me I was supposed to share.

For a long list of reasons this isn't something I wanted to or was even comfortable doing, so I began to argue with God. And I told Him (yes, "told" him, haha) that if He really wanted me to share, I'd need Him to tap me again. So as I stood waiting, I knew He had spoken to me, and I knew He wasn't going to tap me again, so the choice was mine, to obey or not to obey. So after a little more fussing at God, I did what I knew I had to do. So I walked to the back of the church to tell my pastor the word.

It was awful. I fumbled and faltered and it was all I could do just to vomit it out in ugly disconnected chunks. And then I left the pastor there standing in it to work it out. It was all I could do to obey, even if I didn't do it well. And when my pastor didn't seem to share or pass on the word, I spent the rest of service silently fussing with God and grumbling at Him about what I had accomplished other than making an ass of myself. (Sorry, that's the right word.)

I grumbled at the Lord about the point of it for days. And He answered me with... silence. It was a tough week.

Then this past Wednesday, something happened.

On my way to work in the morning, I stopped for coffee. As I pulled into the parking lot I took note of a man sitting nea the curb a little ways away from the coffee shop. He looked sort of homeless, but he was very clean. He seemed sort of lost, and sad. As I walked into the coffee shop I looked his way, wondering about him, and being very drawn to his presence.

I went in and got my coffee and when I came out I looked toward him where he still sat. I got into my car and felt like something was gripping my heart. I knew I was supposed to do something but didn't know what. But the way that the parking lot was structured, I had to drive away from him as I pulled out my car. I had a flash of a thought in my mind, "What if he is wondering if anyone cares. what if he is thinking about killing himself." And then it felt like the thought wasn't even mine, and I said out loud, to the Lord, "I can't God, I'm afraid."

I had to stop my car to wait for passing traffic and I heard the Lord say, "Which are you more afraid of, going to him or disobeying Me?" And without hesitation, I turned my car back up the next aisle and drove toward the man. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, but I knew I had to do it.

I pulled up and rolled down my window, "Are you ok?" I asked. He looked up at me surprised, sort of nodded his head and mumbled. I closed my eyes for a moment at a loss about what I was specifically I was supposed to be doing and then I turned and he stood right at my window. "Do you have any change you can spare?" I grabbed a handful of quarters out of my ashtray and began to put them in his hand. A nickel and a few pennies remained in my hand and I said, "You can have these too."

He shook his head and stepped back a little. "It's going to be a good day after all," he said, "God bless you." It was my tuen to mumble, because there was just something in that moment, I knew I had met God. Or rather, God had met me there. He turned and walked away and as I pulled away suddenly I thought "I should give him more cash from my wallet, I should go to Trader Joe's andbuy him food." But as I looked in my rearview mirror, he was walking away toward an arriving bus. I had donewhat God had asked of me, and there wasn't more to be done.

I began to cry as I drove away. It was like a drink of cool water on my very thirsty soul. God had spoken to me. He wasn't silent, His voice had just been small and still. I had been looking for big answers to big questions, and in this moment, the Lord made it very clear to me, He was looking for my obedience in the little things.

I know many who read this will think I'm nuts, but I know it was no ordinary experience. It was deeply profound, and the Lord was teaching me an invaluable listen. Heisn't looking to give me a game plan, or even a map for the long journey. Instead He wants to instruct me in my steps along the way. Sometimes I will undertand, and sometimes I will not, but the importance is in the obedience, not in the understanding of it.

I'm listening differently now, and I know in His time and in His way, He will give me whatever answers He thinks I need.

Holding On

2011-04-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

I had a word of prophecy spoken over me last year. He said (paraphrasing) "You are like Naphtali, birthed through struggle." And the constant struggle is so evident, but like any labor, what is to actually be birthed remains ahead, uncertain, undefined.

I know last year was a time of great sifting for me. Sifting isn't the same thing as refining. It's a work of the enemy, not of God, though He allows it. It's a test against temptation. The things that I was tempted with, and the level I was tempted by them was far beyond anything I have ever fully confessed, to people anyway, but not to God. I know there were times when my faith walk and my character were in real jeopardy. Thankfully God did not let me slip, no matter how close I came to the edge.

This year my priority has been the Lord, and time with Him, unlike last year when I even actually stated I knew He's be there when I was ready to return. Don't get me wrong, I didn't fall away, and I didn't even give in to the temptations I battled, but I did move the Lord down my priority list, and I dwelt on temptation far more than I should have.

To be honest, I feel far greater a struggle now, in choosing rightly, than I ever felt the struggle of pulling away from God. There was very little struggle at all walking toward temptation. It's sort of scary to realize just how easy falling away could be. It's frightening really. What is even more frightening is how easy it would be to put on a "show" of piety and give the false sense of continuing in the faith. I fear it's far more common than I ever realized before.

I remember one very prideful moment last year where the thought crossed my mind, "No one would ever believe I would do such a thing," and I knew I could have gotten away with it because my reputation was strong enough to mask my choices. It was a crossroads for me. And I will be thankful to God until my dying day that He pulled back the veil on that day and showed the depth of depravity in that thought alone. It was a defining moment, and a moment of decision. Would I continue to feed my temptation or would I turn from it.

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.
James 1:14-15

It would have been an "easy birth," but it would have brought about destruction and devastation. And I am grateful that God spoke a warning to my heart.

Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren.
James 1:16

Don't be deceived my beloved daughter.

No, you yourselves do wrong and cheat, and you do these things to your brethren! Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals,nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God.
1 Corinthians 6:8-10

Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” Awake to righteousness, and do not sin; for some do not have the knowledge of God. I speak this to your shame.
1 Corinthians 15:33-34

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.
Galatians 6:7-8

I thank God for opening my eyes to the deception. I have seen others fall, and I have wondered, "How?" And I now know. None of us is beyond the fall. In fact, a fall is far easier than a climb. There is no struggle to just letting go, and there might even be a thrill in the fall, but the bottom is there, and isn't worth it.

The struggle is in holding on. It's in standing against temptation. It's in standing against discouragement, against fear. The struggle is in standing against judgment, or hurt. The struggle is in not letting go of hope, of faith. The struggle is in holding on to God's word when everything you see around you is contrary.

I am weary, and worn. I am discouraged and disheartened. I hurt. But, I am holding on. I am in the struggle because I know whatever God wants to birth, will be worth it. I want to let go, but I won't. I've heard my Father's warning, and I will not be deceived.

Easter Week - Sunday, Resurrection Day!

2011-04-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

From the Book of John Chapter 20:11-18 But Mary was standing outside the tomb weeping; and so, as she wept, she stooped and looked into the tomb; and she saw two angels in white sitting, one at the head and one at the feet, where the body of Jesus had been lying. And they said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” She said* to them, “Because they have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid Him.” When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, and did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?” Supposing Him to be the gardener, she said to Him, “Sir, if you have carried Him away, tell me where you have laid Him, and I will take Him away.” Jesus said to her, “Mary!” She turned and said to Him in Hebrew, “Rabboni!” (which means, Teacher). Jesus said to her, “Stop clinging to Me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father; but go to My brethren and say to them, ‘I ascend to My Father and your Father, and My God and your God.’” Mary Magdalene came, announcing to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord,” and that He had said these things to her.

Total Perfection

No more sadness or tears, no more reason to cry.
Celebrate Life! Jesus Christ is alive!
Just as He'd promised, He rose the third day,
Proving Himself, the Life, the Truth and the Way!
All of God's promises can be counted as true,
Arise and shine, your joy may be made full!
Go out into the world, tell one and tell all,
Tell the truth of the day death took its fall.
Dance! Shout! Leap for joy! Forever live the King of kings!
Praise be to God! We have reason to sing!
Death has been beaten with the King's resurrection,
God's plan's been fulfilled in its total perfection!

HE IS RISEN!!!

Without Easter, Christmas wouldn't matter, this is truly the day of all days!

Happy Resurrection Sunday when all God's Word was accomplished and all His promises fulfilled. May you all know the fullness of the Savior's love today and always!

Happy Easter!
Diana

Easter Week - Saturday Devotional

2011-04-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

From the Book of Luke Chapter 23:50-56
And a man named Joseph, who was a member of the Council, a good and righteous man (he had not consented to their plan and action), a man from Arimathea, a city of the Jews, who was waiting for the kingdom of God; this man went to Pilate and asked for the body of Jesus. And he took it down and wrapped it in a linen cloth, and laid Him in a tomb cut into the rock, where no one had ever lain. It was the preparation day, and the Sabbath was about to begin. Now the women who had come with Him out of Galilee followed, and saw the tomb and how His body was laid. Then they returned and prepared spices and perfumes. And on the Sabbath they rested according to the commandment.

Did Their Dream Die?

When brought down from the cross,
Their Savior was dead,
What could have been the thoughts
That went running through their heads?

No tomb of His own
To bury Him in,
Some "Son of God"
What freedom did they win?

When they placed Him there,
Did their dream die too?
They didn't know He would rise,
And leave an empty tomb.

They didn't know what we now know,
That their King would arise,
That they soon would know true freedom
For the first time in their lives.

Freedom from sin,
From sadness and shame,
Soon their hearts and their lives
Would never be the same.

How dark was the darkness
On the night they all mourned?
Not knowing the joy
That would come in the morn.

A reason to hope or believe
Must've been so hard to find,
They didn't know what I know
In the Truth is where my hope, I find.

They didn't know what I do
But their faith they still held,
But I know His death saved me
From going to hell.

No grieving in my life
As they did that dark night,
For I know the truth
And now live in the Light.

What more do I need
Than what He gave me on the cross that day?
Innocent, but HE paid the price for me
And washed ALL my sins away.

By Diana DePriest
© 1998

Easter Week - Friday Devotional

2011-04-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

From the Book of Mark Chapter 15:12-39

Answering again, Pilate said to them, “Then what shall I do with Him whom you call the King of the Jews?” They shouted back, “Crucify Him!” But Pilate said to them, “Why, what evil has He done?” But they shouted all the more, “Crucify Him!” 15Wishing to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas for them, and after having Jesus scourged, he handed Him over to be crucified.

The soldiers took Him away into the palace (that is, the Praetorium), and they called together the whole Roman cohort. They dressed Him up in purple, and after twisting a crown of thorns, they put it on Him; and they began to acclaim Him, “Hail, King of the Jews!” They kept beating His head with a reed, and spitting on Him, and kneeling and bowing before Him. After they had mocked Him, they took the purple robe off Him and put His own garments on Him. And they led* Him out to crucify Him.

They pressed into service a passer-by coming from the country, Simon of Cyrene (the father of Alexander and Rufus), to bear His cross.

Then they brought Him to the place Golgotha, which is translated, Place of a Skull. They tried to give Him wine mixed with myrrh; but He did not take it. And they crucified Him, and divided up His garments among themselves, casting lots for them to decide what each man should take. 25It was the third hour when they crucified Him. The inscription of the charge against Him read: “THE KING OF THE JEWS.”

They crucified* two robbers with Him, one on His right and one on His left. And the Scripture was fulfilled which says, “And He was numbered with transgressors.” Those passing by were hurling abuse at Him, wagging their heads, and saying, “Ha! You who are going to destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save Yourself, and come down from the cross!” In the same way the chief priests also, along with the scribes, were mocking Him among themselves and saying, “He saved others; He cannot save Himself. 32“Let this Christ, the King of Israel, now come down from the cross, so that we may see and believe!” Those who were crucified with Him were also insulting Him.

When the sixth hour came, darkness fell over the whole land until the ninth hour. At the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, “ELOI, ELOI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?” which is translated, “MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?” 35When some of the bystanders heard it, they began saying, “Behold, He is calling for Elijah.” Someone ran and filled a sponge with sour wine, put it on a reed, and gave Him a drink, saying, “Let us see whether Elijah will come to take Him down.” And Jesus uttered a loud cry, and breathed His last. And the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. When the centurion, who was standing right in front of Him, saw the way He breathed His last, he said, “Truly this man was the Son of God!”

What Were You Thinking?

Jesus came to share the message of grace, and prophecies to fulfill,
He came to walk upon the earth and to do the Father's will.

He had the message of how from the bondage of sin we could be free,
He came to make a better way for all, for you, for me.

He walked among the people, speaking of truth, of peace and love,
Sharing, living and showing, the Father's message from above.

No thanks or love for Him they had, they wanted Him to die,
When asked what they wanted done to Him, they screamed out, "Crucify!"

My Jesus, beaten and mocked, ridiculed and abused,
Was there no other way to save? No other way He could have been used?

Still even as He hung on the cross, in His heart He did forgive,
Willing to suffer so much up there so even these might live.

Sinless, He hung up on the cross, all our sins He bore,
Sacrificing Himself to atone for all we need forgiveness for.

Father, how it must have hurt Your heart, could You have even cried?
When You had to turn Your back on Him the day that Jesus died.

Father, what were You thinking when You sent Him here to die?
Did it have to take His sacrifice for me to find eternal life?

He broke down all the walls that stood between God and me,
So I could be reconciled to the Father for all of eternity.

Lord Jesus, I can't say "I'm sorry" and "Thank You" just won't do,
Only way I can repay what You did is to make my life a sacrifice for You.

You committed Your Spirit to the Father's hands, my life I commit to Yours,
Having only one prayer that I will pray, "Jesus, I want to love you and know you more."

By Diana DePriest
© 1998

Easter Week - Thursday Devotional

2011-04-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

Past His Tears...

"Come, stand and watch, wait for me as I pray,
Be with Me, I hurt, I don't want to be alone this way."

Not a request too hard for a man to keep,
But instead of keeping watch, they went off to sleep.

Our Lord was forsaken in even the simplest request,
If we can't give Him that, how can we give Him our best?

My Lord, alone, distressed, in pain, was it fear?
Even then my life, my soul, He held dear.

He loved me enough to overcome His fears,
Loved me enough to look past his tears.

He prayed, "Father, let this cup pass if it may...
"But I want YOUR will done, and with My life I will pay."

Three times He did ask as He prayed there ALONE
I wonder, would they have kept watch, if they had known...

By Diana DePriest
© 1998

The Book of Matthew Chapter 26:36-46 Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to His disciples, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and distressed. Then He said* to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me." And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said* to Peter, “So, you men could not keep watch with Me for one hour? “Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

He went away again a second time and prayed, saying, “My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Your will be done.” Again He came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy. And He left them again, and went away and prayed a third time, saying the same thing once more. Then He came to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Behold, the hour is at hand and the Son of Man is being betrayed into the hands of sinners. “Get up, let us be going; behold, the one who betrays Me is at hand!” (NASB)

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful, He cannot deny Himself."
II Timothy 2:13

Easter Week - Wednesday Devotional

2011-04-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

From the Book of Mark Chapter 14:3-9 While He was in Bethany at the home of Simon the leper, and reclining at the table, there came a woman with an alabaster vial of very costly perfume of pure nard; and she broke the vial and poured it over His head. But some were indignantly remarking to one another, “Why has this perfume been wasted? “For this perfume might have been sold for over three hundred denarii, and the money given to the poor.” And they were scolding her. But Jesus said, “Let her alone; why do you bother her? She has done a good deed to Me. “For you always have the poor with you, and whenever you wish you can do good to them; but you do not always have Me. “She has done what she could; she has anointed My body beforehand for the burial. “Truly I say to you, wherever the gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done will also be spoken of in memory of her.”

Will You Pour Out Your All?

Will you pour out your all? Give the best that you have?
Do whatever it takes to honor the Son of Man?

Will you sacrifice your best, give Him all you have to give?
Make him your purpose? Your reason to live?

Others will look down upon you, unable to understand,
Why you have this devotion to the Son of Man.

Are you willing to give back all that's been given to you?
Do whatever it takes to give Him the honor He's due?

by Diana DePriest © 1998

(Original Art by Alice Whisman)

Three Years

2011-04-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

I had big plans. Yesterday was the three year anniversary of the blog, and in my mind I was going to write my 300th post on the third anniversary. I wanted to celebrate with my first ever giveaway too.

But the day passed, and the post count didn't make it. This post will be #293, seven posts short of my goal.

I did get a package in the mail for a giveaway, but it wasn't what I specifically solicited for, although still good. And so I will do a giveaway with it, just not today.

Instead, today I am pondering the process of planning. Funny how it doesn't seem to work out the way we want it to most of the time.

A man’s heart plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps.
Proverbs 16:9

There are many plans in a man’s heart,
Nevertheless the LORD’s counsel—that will stand.
Proverbs 19:21

The truth is, it can be pretty frustrating when things don't work out the way we want them to. Everyone likes enough control in life (even the non-control freak types) to be able to see plans come to fruition.

But often, they don't.

This "plan" of mine was just a little one. It's a slight disappointment that is not too difficult to overlook. I can look at the ways I spent my last couple weekends, one on retreat with a dear friend, the other hanging out during the day with several dear friends and an evening discipling my son and several of his friends, and say, "it was worth it" to pass on rushing to keep up the blog. Truth be told, I don't want to write here just for the sake of it.

I started this blog three years ago as an act of obedience. I was away at a very difficult women's retreat, and as I spent a great deal of time alone with just me and the Lord (that wasn't the difficult part) I sought Him, and more than once that weekend I heard Him say very plainly, "Write." As an unsolicited confirmation, the following week at church He sent a very revered friend and mentor to me with a more specific word. She said to me, "I was praying for you recently, and I felt like the Lord told me to tell you to blog." It immediately testified to my spirit that I really had heard God at retreat.

Saturday night, I was talking with the boys of Envision (our youth bible study with Jake and his friends) and we were talking about passions and talents and how God gives them to us for a purpose. I watch these young men all in the latter part of high school and all of them have the future on their minds. The truth is, even in Christian families, as we guide our kids, our inclination is to do so from a worldly view. If we look at our son and his two options for a future are either worship leader or engineer, we direct toward the engineer, where success is more easily defined and provision is more probable.

I wonder though, if that's how good looks at things. I know I have on many occasions taken stock of this blog, and looked at hits and comments and tried to determine if this blog would qualify as successful. The fact is, most of the time, the answer would have to be "no." But I realized when I do that, I am looking at things from a very worldly perspective, even if it is a Christian worldly perspective.

As I talked with the boys at Envision, we also talked about the challenge of hearing God's voice as He directs us. I do know there are times when the Lord is silent, but I suspect that far more often the issue of His silence resides more in our inability or unwillingness to listen more than in His lack of desire to speak. But sometimes it really is just hard to know.

My advice was to the boys that when that happens, you have to go back to the last thing you are certain you heard the Lord say. If you feel like you might have gotten off track or you're just not sure about the next step, go back to where you knew He was clearly directing. For me, that was three years ago, and I heard Him very clearly, He said "Write."

As nice as it is to get good feedback, it's not why God has called me to write. The Lord has given me a passion for disciplship and sharing His word. He has given me a gift with words and a talent for putting them down for a reader. And whether something I write ministers to one reader or 100 readers, it has value. And the beauty of it being here on the internet is that it could be something I put "on paper" today, and minister to someone 20 years from now or more. The important thing is that I use my gifts and talents for my God given passions and use it for His glory.

So although I still have dreams and aspirations, and I hope that this blog is the beginning of something rather than the end, I know the LORD directs my steps, and it is His counsel that will stand.

God is faithful to me, and I pray in some small way this blog can be an act of worship toward Him, for however long He sees fit.

As for now, happy anniversary to My Walk of Faith. I pray it blesses many.

Duct tape, multivitamins and eating with your mouth open

2011-04-11T16:05:00.000-07:00

I've shared before that I am doing my best to stick to a reading plan to read my bible through from beginning to end this year. So far so good, I have stuck to it and yet to (by the grace of God) fall behind.

I think I also shared that I really like the plan I'm using. My mom bought me the "Unlocking the Bible" series. It doesn't feel cumbersome to me, and I like the way it breaks things up. It literally includes just a verse or two from Proverbs each day, a Psalm or part of a Psalm each day, never more than a chapter of the New Testament (I read all those in the morning) and somewhere between one and three chapters of the Old Testament that I read at night. I really enjoy it, I read the Bible first thing in the morning before I even step out of bed, and it's one of the last things I do when I settle down for the night.

I've already made it through the challenging books of Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy! Those are the places in the past where I have found myself easily stumbled by the very detailed dissertation on the law. But the way it was broken up in this reading plan, I really found myself enjoying it. I tend to be looking at the clock at night anticipating when it's time to go in and read the Word.

I have always been one to remind others of their need to be in the Word, I'm happy to finally be taking my own advice. I really do love the Word, and spending this time consistently in it helps me remember that. This morning I was reminding my kids, and encouraging my younger two that they (at 9 and 10) need to start developing the habit of reading their bibles daily. The Word of God is living and active and has the power to change us and transform our lives.

One thing I am doing this year that I have never done consistently before is not just reading the Word, but reading the Word out loud. There is power in God's Word, and God's spoken Word is powerful too. When God created the heavens and the earth, He spoke them into existence. When Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, He called them forth by His voice. He healed the sick, rebuked the demons, opened the eyes of the blind, even push backed Satan Himself with the spoken Word. Why wouldn't I want to exercise the power of God's word in the same manner.

The Bible also says, So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. (Romans 10:17) and I believe that is true. And when you read it and hear it out loud at the same time, I believe it's like securing it down even further into your heart and mind. Consider it a form of spiritual duct tape, if you will. It's like bathing yourself in the Word, inside and out, and I believe it can make a powerful impact.

Speaking the Word of God builds up your faith and your spiritual fortitude. It is wise to pray it out loud and to praise it out loud. Even in just a practical sense, it strengthens the learning process, it applies both the visual (reading) and auditory (hearing) learning styles, and I believe it goes deeper into our minds and hearts.

Now I wish I could say that every time I open my bible I had some palpable, supernatural, hyper-spiritual experience, but the truth is, I don't. It's not as though I never do, but it is not the norm. But I know (and believe) the truth of the power of God's Word and the importance of taking it in. The effects are not always immediately felt and seen, but I consider it a spiritual multivitamin. Just as your body benefits from taking a vitamin everyday, your spirit is strengthened by taking in the Word daily.

So I encourage you, be building up your spirit. You wouldn't eat 2 meals a week, once on Sunday and Wednesday night, and likewise you shouldn't feed your spirit only on such rare occasions. An emaciated spirit is a bad idea. You also would never allow someone else to feed you as you grow. And likewise, we shouldn't just go in places where pastors and teachers are spoon feeding us, we have the buffet of goodness at our demand, and we ought to indulge continually. Unlike a thick waistline, a fat spirit is good for us all.

So, go, dig in, and eat with your mouth open!

Anonymous

2011-04-07T22:11:00.000-07:00

Leaving for retreat tomorrow. I'm super excited.

I'm not going with my own church, I'm going with another church. Other than my one girlfriend who I am going with, I don't anticipate knowing anyone at all.

There is something very appealing to me about going and getting lost in a crowd. I'm excited about going and just seeking the Lord, without feeling like there are any opinions or impressions about me that I have to fight to overcome.

I'm looking forward to going without being distracted by any of my own opinions, thoughts, feelings or hurts. I'm looking forward to not having any preconceived ideas to overcome, mine about others, or theirs about me.

I'm going with a friend that I love dearly, and she loves me, and neither of us expects to really know anyone there. She might run into a casual acquaintance or two (in theory, I suppose I could too) but chances are we are both going clothed in total anonymity.

I'm excited about at least starting this excursion to seek the Lord anonymously. No judgment, no expectation, no opinions to overcome. My girlfriend and I are going, with joy and anticipation. All of my expectation is in Jesus alone.

I don't know what to expect, but I am full of hope.

I have hope for sweet fellowship with a dearest friend.

I have hope for hearing a word from the Lord.

I have hope for making new friends.

I have hope for the freedom that comes from being anonymous.

My hope is in Jesus for this weekend, and I am beliving for good things.

Lost in translation

2011-03-27T16:25:00.000-07:00

This morning when I was flipping through statuses on Facebook, I stopped for a moment at one.

It read, "Oggi è un giorno buono."

I don't speak Italian, or read it for that matter so I didn't actually know what it said. I do speak some Spanish however, in fact once upon a time I was relatively fluent, but if you don't use it, you lose it. But there remain enough in my memory bank to recognize the connection between buono and beuno to know my friend was saying that something was "good."

I don't actually know this Facebook friend very well "IRL" (In Real Life)- truth be told I'm not even positive we've had more than a short conversation or two in person. But I have seen enough of her on Facebook and observed her and her faithful service around the church we both attend to know, somewhat confidently, that whatever it was that she was saying, I probably agreed with her. Whatever she said was good, was good. I was confident, what I knew of her and her character was enough for me to feel confident that I could take her at her word, even if what she said was hard for me to understand, lost in translation, if you will.

Immediately, the Lord spoke to my heart.

How often is He "speaking" something into our lives that we don't understand. Perhaps the "words" are tinged in heartache, or even drenched in sorrow. Perhaps our attempts to understand what is happening in our lives is confusing We find ourselves struggling to comprehend the meaning, what in the world is God trying to say?

It's in those moments in our lives that we have to take God at his "Word" not because we fully understand what is being said, but because of the history we have with Him. We have to rest back on what we do know, rather than what we don't understand. We have to choose to look to His character and know that that is enough to be confident of the truth that we don't understand.

My friend did post the translation. "Oggi è un giorno buono" means "Today is a good day."

Today is a good day when we acknowledge God's hand in it. God has given His kids so many promises, that even what we do not understand, even hard and hurting things, we know will serve purpose, because the Lord has promised they would. He has promised to be with us in the midst of even the darkest times and most difficult challenges. Dare I say perhaps we are never more aware of His presence that in those dark days? Which that alone makes them that much more valuable.

God's character is sure, and that is why whatever He "speaks" into our lives, we can trust even if we struggle to understand. Look to Him. He is trustworthy.

As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the LORD is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.
2 Samuel 22:31

The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul;
The testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple;
The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart;
The commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes;
The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever;
The judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether.
Psalm 19:7-9

This is the day the LORD has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

My friend was right, ""Oggi è un giorno buono." Today is a very good day.

Holy Conversation

2011-03-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

LORD, I'm frightened.

I have not given you a spirit of fear,
but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7

But I don't know what the future holds.

Do not worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will worry about its own things.
Matthew 6:34

But I don't even know what You're planning or what's in Your mind.

I know the thoughts that I think toward you,
thoughts of peace and not of evil,
to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

But I feel so alone.

Where can you go from My Spirit?
Or where can you flee from My presence?
If you ascend into heaven, I am there;
if you make your bed in hell, behold, I am there.
Psalm 139:7-8

I don't think I can do this.

You can do all things through Christ,
I'll strengthen you.
Philippians 4:13

I need help.

I am your refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Psalm 46:1

But what if I fail, when I can't hold on to my faith?

If you are faithless, I remain faithful;
I cannot deny Myself.
2 Timothy 2:13

Do You still love me?

Neither death nor life,
nor angels nor principalities nor powers,
nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth,
nor any other created thing,
shall be able to separate us from My love
which is in Christ Jesus your Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

I don't know why these things have to happen.

I work all things for your good
because you love Me,
because I called you according to My purpose.
I foreknew you, predestined you
to be conformed to the image of My Son,
that He might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.
I'm going to make you like Jesus.
Romans 8:28-29

What do I do now?

I am your portion, hope in Me.
I am good to those who wait for Me, to the soul who seeks Me.
It is good that one should hope
and wait quietly for My Salvation.
Lamentations 3:24-26

Trust in ME, and do good; dwell with Me,
and feed on My faithfulness.
Delight yourself also in ME,
nd I shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to ME, trust also in Me,
and I shall bring it to pass.
Psalm 37:3-5

OK, Lord, I will. I love You.

I know, I love you too.
John 3:16